Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Time to Let Go

I struggle with my emotions. I find them hard and cumbersome and bothersome. I hate the fact that every so often I get overwhelmed by random feelings and emotions. I don't know that I have felt any emotion fully since I was about 14 or so. I would much rather pull out my toe nails or file my own teeth than deal with how I "feel". I always think through the feelings to figure out if I should allow myself to feel them.
Is feeling this way expected of me?
Is this feeling justified?
Am I over-reacting?
Am I doing it for attention?
Can it wait until I am alone?
Is it my place to feel this way?

I guess that means I am emotionally stunted in some way. My friend Michelle over at Normal Chaos refers to this as "emotional duct tape" and in a way I guess that is it. I spend so much time thinking about how I am supposed to feel I have forgotten how I am supposed to feel. It has left me feeling keyed up and on edge and frustrated. I want to let go and just cry and I can't. I have tried every single trick I know to help me get it out. Sad songs, sad movies, sad stories, sad books and still nothing, Could I have broken myself?

I so desperately need to cry and let out everything that has been building inside of me for weeks and I can't seem to do it. I can feel the catch in my throat and the sting in my eyes yet it still eludes me

I know it's time to Let it Go but I seem to be wrapped far too tightly to let it happen. This blog is all I have to get my emotions out. The only way I can process what I think and feel is by writing them down. Still the tears won't come and I know they need to. I'm so afraid that they will show up at some crazy time as  they have before. Last time I felt this way I began to laugh at something and then it turned into sobbing uncontrollably. I don't want that to happen again... talk about awkward.

Pairing up at PYHO as always, why? cuz Shell rocks