I have been holding on to the paperwork for the Department of Developmental Services for a while now. I keep looking at the web site and thinking about it. I just couldn't make myself do it. It feels like just filling out the papers means it isn't going away.
I know it isn't going away. I know he will always be Sammy and part of him is autism. I know that now, in fact I have known that for a while. This just makes it so in your face real. I put it off because I didn't want him to feel labeled all his life in case the doctors were wrong.
Even though I know they aren't wrong I am still having such a hard time with it.
The bottom line is he needs services, most of which we cannot afford. It's 45$ for each apt for co pay. 10 appointments a month and I can't feed the rest of the kids. We need respite care. I can't keep this up. I will not survive this summer if I don't get help. He has 3 weeks off before summer session. I may just have a nervous breakdown.
So the paperwork is done. It's sitting on my table beside my morning coffee. It took only a few minutes to fill out. Every time I look at it I am overwhelmed by abject fear and grief.
One step forward... stop...
