Thursday, July 26, 2018

When It's Endless

Do you see those clouds? The seem endless don't they? As if they simply go on forever and never ever end. they seem so beautiful don't they? Those clouds as beautiful as they are carry rain and thunder. An intense storm dropped shortly after this photo was taken. Just a few hours later and these clouds became dark scary and powerful.

That is my life right now.

I am in the storm, not the eye , since that would be calm, but the thick of it. Swirling winds, pounding rain, and debilitating pressure.

I am drowning.

There doesn't seem to be an actual end in sight. There isn't anything I can do and I am just so tired of fighting.

You know , no one wants to talk about this stuff. Depression scares people. They don't want to deal with it, they tell you to pray, they offer platitudes that do absolutely nothing. If a hallmark card fixed it , don't you think I would have done that already?
 Depression and talking about mental health makes people uncomfortable.
It's time we stop treating mental illness as though its a big scary monster under the bed. It isn't

It's a big scary monster sitting beside people in your life right now

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Sometimes It's just hard to breath

Most of you know the feeling, the weight on your chest, the restlessness in your body. That feeling that you just want to be anywhere but here. The feeling that your life is somehow being sucked away from you into a vortex of inability and disappointment. It will fade sooner or later. I have learned that much. This feeling doesn't stay forever, it just feels like it will.
This, restlessness...
It consumes me more often than not

It could be because I am not doing what God wants me to. It could be because I am and somehow I should be learning from this. It could simply be that my brain is broken beyond repair. It could be this time , this feeling doesn't go away.

I just can't breathe and honestly I am just so tired. I am tired of trying to smile when I feel nothing. I don't even really feel sad anymore. Just broken and restless.

I feel like a failure. It's as if I just can't put the puzzle together even with the pieces numbered and placed in front of me.

I just want to be anywhere but here. I want to be far away from whatever this is supposed to be.
Most of all, I want to feel something.