Monday, December 29, 2008

sammy can be angry

So the other day sammy got angry with Daddy. He yelled and screamed and kicked and hit. it was terrible. Slightly less terrible for me since for once it wasn't me he was thrashing about on. so YAY for that. Dan misses most of those angry moments since he works during the day. So after about 15 minutes Sammy calms down . this was the interaction that followed/

Daddy - are you done being angry Sammy?

Sam - not angry now.

Daddy - Are you done hitting?

Sam - My not hit you. My want to play patty cake (insert pause here) wif you face!

I fell off the couch laughing so hard I hurt myself

Monday, December 22, 2008

by george i think he's got it

at 4.5

for about 6 months I have been working with sammy to teach him "jingle bells" this is the end result

my christmas concert

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I cant

I cant keep doing this. all week every morning getting Sammy dressed has been a nightmare. he screams and kicks threatens and punches me. I can't keep doing it anymore. I'm going to loose control. it's not his fault but how much do i have to endure? I cant keep this up much longer.

it rips me apart having to deal with this. he is so miserable and unhappy lately. I just can't keep this up indefinitely

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


sam got gluten. nice crust of bread. whole wheat honey bread. CRAPTASTIC!
i have this issue with him being gluten free. It makes him behave 100% better. he hits less and screams less. So today there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
However, when he has gluten he is also more alive, more present, more in my world. it's harder for him but he is more here.
How do I make a choice?
he has to behave so he fits in, but what good is fitting in when he is dulled?

on a side note I found gluten free dye free crap free candy canes WIN!

Monday, December 8, 2008

i lost it

my mind , my temper, my hold on life in general. i lost my temper with Sammy today. it was not pretty. I didn't beat him or anything. I stopped myself from going that far but he totally pushed my was totally my fault. nothing more nothing less.

he is a sensory kid. he hates socks and shoes and coats and hats and underwear. he loves brushing his teeth but hates brushing his hair. if he sneezes he is stuck in place because the feeling of it is far too overwhelming. I know all these things. i know because of this it takes 20-45 minutes longer to get out of the house.i also know that I don't always give him much choice when it comes to his sensory issues. I know he can't help it but I also won't put his shoes on 5,000 times. It also doesn't help that my husband is a softy for this behavior and tends to fix it 5,000 times, so Mondays are tough to begin with.

so this morning he puts his boots on and 20 minutes later he says "make me feeeeeellllll weeeeeeiiird!!!" he is almost completely dressed and now needs to undress following the order that he put them on all the way down to the boots. the boots were put on after the pants but before the shirt, coat, hat, and gloves. at this point it is already time to leave and he is throwing a bloody fit. screaming , squirming , swinging, and kicking. I lost it. I yelled at him, pulled his clothes back on (all in the wrong order mind you) and walked out the door. he stood at the stairs SCREAMING. We get in the car his seat belt is too tight, his car seat is crooked, his pants feel weird. I have essentially screwed myself for the entire day! we get to church he refuses to get out of the car , I climb the mountains of crap in my car and yank him out. It is 16 degrees here today at 9 am. he hollers all the way to the church doors, at which time I inform him if he continues his behavior I am putting him in the donation basket. more wailing and gnashing of teeth ensue. NICE.

we get through mass I feel so bad for loosing my temper with him. He really cannot help it to be honest. So I tell him I am sorry I was mean and that I yelled. He hugs me and I feel better. he looks at me and tells " when you angry, you like hulk" great ... a big green monster. niiiiice

Saturday, December 6, 2008

its been 1 whole year

one year since sam was diagnosed with autism.
365 days
52 weeks
8760 hours
525600 minutes
31536000 seconds
countless tear drops, screaming matches with Sam, myself and quite often God himself. Unimaginable guilt and pressure.
smiles, therapies, tantrums, hugs, kisses,punches,bites and moments where the dark just took over and wouldn't let go

those of you that know me well, know I have always suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder, so winter is tough already. Not to mention I hate the holidays. so this last year was a shock in the very simplest of terms.

but here we are one year later.I can't believe all the emotions I have been through in this past year. the fear, the anger, the sadness,the shock, the desperation, the inability to even wrap my head around the journey i was faced with.

last year I had a child who couldn't talk, wasn't potty trained, couldn't eat with a spoon and fork. He hit me every day all day. He screamed for hours and hours on end. He ran away, out of the house at night. he couldn't follow a single step direction, hold a pencil or sit for more than 5 seconds.he hated us all, and to be honest I didn't like him very much either, most days. there were no moments of clarity. there were no smiles or hugs and kisses. there was nothing but complete and total loss and darkness, the kind that is void of sound... and hope, He never invited me in. he didn't play with toys, he didn't smile. He never looked me in the eyes, and he never said I love you.

he smiles and plays and seems to love life. he kisses and cuddles and hugs. he tells me he loves me. he helps me cook. he holds a pencil and cuts with scissors. he sits at school and holds my hand. he has a gentle side and sometimes even astounding moments of complete clarity.he seems to walk back and forth between our worlds and sometimes he even lets me in his. he holds my heart and my hand and we are in this together. he sings nursery rhymes and hugs his brothers. I love him and I LIKE him. he does well in school, he tries so hard. He went from class bully to a wonderful amazzing young man. he Even got student of the week!

there are still tough days and tough weeks. there are still challenges. his diet is so much work to maintain. but it works, and works well.

most of all these days there is hope. a wonderful warm light that washes us and keeps me sane, and whole. there is HOPE. thank God for that