Saturday, December 6, 2008

its been 1 whole year

one year since sam was diagnosed with autism.
365 days
52 weeks
8760 hours
525600 minutes
31536000 seconds
countless tear drops, screaming matches with Sam, myself and quite often God himself. Unimaginable guilt and pressure.
smiles, therapies, tantrums, hugs, kisses,punches,bites and moments where the dark just took over and wouldn't let go

those of you that know me well, know I have always suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder, so winter is tough already. Not to mention I hate the holidays. so this last year was a shock in the very simplest of terms.

but here we are one year later.I can't believe all the emotions I have been through in this past year. the fear, the anger, the sadness,the shock, the desperation, the inability to even wrap my head around the journey i was faced with.

last year I had a child who couldn't talk, wasn't potty trained, couldn't eat with a spoon and fork. He hit me every day all day. He screamed for hours and hours on end. He ran away, out of the house at night. he couldn't follow a single step direction, hold a pencil or sit for more than 5 seconds.he hated us all, and to be honest I didn't like him very much either, most days. there were no moments of clarity. there were no smiles or hugs and kisses. there was nothing but complete and total loss and darkness, the kind that is void of sound... and hope, He never invited me in. he didn't play with toys, he didn't smile. He never looked me in the eyes, and he never said I love you.

he smiles and plays and seems to love life. he kisses and cuddles and hugs. he tells me he loves me. he helps me cook. he holds a pencil and cuts with scissors. he sits at school and holds my hand. he has a gentle side and sometimes even astounding moments of complete clarity.he seems to walk back and forth between our worlds and sometimes he even lets me in his. he holds my heart and my hand and we are in this together. he sings nursery rhymes and hugs his brothers. I love him and I LIKE him. he does well in school, he tries so hard. He went from class bully to a wonderful amazzing young man. he Even got student of the week!

there are still tough days and tough weeks. there are still challenges. his diet is so much work to maintain. but it works, and works well.

most of all these days there is hope. a wonderful warm light that washes us and keeps me sane, and whole. there is HOPE. thank God for that