Sunday, August 31, 2008

past few days

busy here.
the older boys were going camping with auntie Debbie and auntie Lisa, so... because they cannot eat the commercial marshmallows you buy in the store. I had to make them. I don't mind making them, and I love eating them but its messy. i also messed up the first batch and so it became marshmallow fluff and not actual marshmallows. the second batch was perfect. I rolled them into parchment paper and then cut them when they cooled. they looked just like store bought marshmallows.

dr's appointments all morning on Friday. one for me and one for Nate. all is well. Nate is a whole 18.5lbs. what a peanut, at this rate he will never be forward facing!

farmers market... what a thrill. (i say this sarcastically)
I got peaches for peach butter, blueberries, peppers,corn (which I had tonight with our dinner) some sweets and a butternut squash. some yummy blue cheese and a major surprise.

i already felt vulnerable today. it's the last thing I needed. i must admit. I hate to, but she does look good. but I wasn't prepared. not even a little

so then we went to BJ's (ha!) and got a ton of other things we needed. Im making jam this week.

I bagged chicken stock. chicken legs.pork chops. and a ton of other things.

sadly we lost our bunny this week as well. I miss her so much already. we saw cats at the farmers market... I want tater tot!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

summer pics!

Friday, August 29, 2008

somewhere in my head

I am still trying to shift the focus from one thing to another with Sam. I am past that grieving point and working on acceptance. I am grateful it isn't cancer, or AIDS, or any other such ailment. I hate that my mother once said " at least it's only autism"

only autism
interesting(slightly insulting yes) but interesting concept

only autism
stims on movies, dust, noise.. lots of stuff
creates a world for my son that he is comfortable in
turns every day objects like CD's and sunshine into hours of entertainment
changes his view and mine of the world
changes the worlds view of him
only autism
put me in a place that is starting to make sense and starting to hurt less. there is far more celebrating these days then their was 6 months ago.
i haven't given up. I have changed my mind on how I want to approach this.

i prayed for years for God to give me a real purpose. to call me in a voice I couldn't ignore. No one on this earth could EVER ignore Sammy.
so he called, I wasn't ready to listen 8 months ago.
I'm listening now Lord
as Sammy would say
"less dooin dis fing"

Thursday, August 28, 2008


sam and I are going on a date.
we are going to see WALL-E
i can't wait!!!

making pickles

got this easy pickle recipe here .
i wish I knew how to make that a cool little linky thing with her name in it
while it wasn't complicated it was time consuming. the kids and I enjoyed doing it though. thank you sous chefs Tyler,AJand Sam

first i sterilized the jars

peeled a ton of garlic, chopped one pretty habenero pepper into itty bitty pieces.( they didn't have the pepper the recipe called for because of the salmonella/e-coli outbreak) dill seed and grape leaves.

filled the jar with STUFF

cukes, zucchini, squash, onions,peppers one jar of just pickled garlic and onions. YUM

made the brine with cider vinegar,salt, and water. put it to boil.

filled the jars and closed the lids.

25/30 minute water bath until the lids are sealed and they are the right temp.

i cant wait until its time to try them!

i also processed tomatoes into bags for the winter. yay.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008


i am the ant ... not the grasshopper!
today im making

pickled squash
tomato puree

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


today sammy looked at me and said "i love you sweetheart" so today in my house

autism speaks
and I heard it loud and clear

Monday, August 25, 2008

4 years and a smile 10,000 tear drops and mile

.it's been four years since I held that little man in my arms the first time as "i can only imagine" played. i was blissfully unaware of what would come. i simply held him and whispered the lyrics to him. My husband and I both with tears in our eyes. slow smiles and wriggly fingers and legs those first few months. he was so wonderful.

the first 10months. he seemed so normal. so perfect. he never looked at me when he nursed. he didn't recognize himself in the mirror. but he smiled. he could smile and light up the room. so what if most of the time he was smiling at the fan or the light. he was smiling. he crawled and climbed and played. yeah he lined things up but all kids do that...right?

months and years passed and time slowly stood still for us. a dream for some. then again not so much. I looked at my baby and wondered what I was doing wrong. By 2 he was so aloof I could barely get his attention. he wouldn't hug me or talk. in fact by 2 he said 3 words. I figured he was a late talker. we dealt with his allergies. I thought it was because I was working too much even though he was with me at work. I made excuses i lied to myself and everyone else. but it was getting worse. he could play with trucks and dress himself. he could stack 15 blocks in a tower and stand on his head. he could even do a summer salt. that was exceptional... wasn't it? I cried most nights and made my heart feel better by telling myself the things he COULD do were more important than the ones he COULDN'T.

he was diagnosed this December with autism. this unfair,unfailing thief that stole my baby and my dream for him away in the night. autism took my son while I sat there watching. nothing could save him or protect him. Not for a moment. I sat in that doctor's office those words bouncing in my ears. autism...autism... "wait, your saying he is AUTISTIC?" i couldn't wrap my head around it. I couldn't understand. was he talking about the right child? "we are talking about Sam Chagnon right?" I asked and the doctor handed me the tissues and I burst into tears. 10,000 tears I cried over that day, week, month...

but then I got mad! I decided it was time to fight for my son. and i haven't stopped yet. 4 hours of speech a day at home from me. hours of OT and sensory work. repeating everything. thousands of dollars and millions of moments stolen that i refused to give up without a fight. it was slow. we had words and then sentences. and then he said I love you. it changed in that moment. he still may have tough days. he still may lash out and be out of control sometimes. he may still make me sad and cause people to judge me.
this is a slow race. every step counts. were moving and its getting better... after all he's come a long way. the race is far from over, but I think we may have passed that first mile

happy birthday little man. you amaze and delight me. I love you so very much







Wednesday, August 13, 2008

post secret

sent out some secrets today...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

ughhh sammy is making me crazy

Friday, August 8, 2008

yummy lunch

another meal in muffin cups. my boys are asking for these almost daily now. guess it was a hit?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

family trip

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

as of Sunday

I have had no Internet at home. we had a pretty powerful storm that we got caught in. we were at the feast, just bought our malasadas and BOOM the heavens opened... wish I had some soap. that would have saved much drama with Sam that evening when he was convinced the rain was his shower!

great weekend here we went to roger Williams and Sam did FANTASTIC. held my hand listened and everything. melted down 100000% that night though but ah well .
tonight I will post pictures when I come back to work but for now I go

Friday, August 1, 2008

wonderful summer days

Daniel took the day off today so we could spend a little time together as a family, What with my work schedule and his we have barely seen each other more than an hour some days not even at all.

we took the kids to Borderland State Park. What a beautiful place. rolling landscapes, historical facts, a castle, and bugs! The parking machine was broken so parking was free BONUS! (usually its 2$ a car)at the visitors center you can get a bug net, a magnifying glass, a bug box and a book. you get to keep the book, the rest you borrow so you can catch dragonflies and other such creatures as the children see fit. YAY. In the book there are places for the stamps of each state park in MA and when you get them all you get a tee shirt. adventure I say.

Aj caught one dragon fly. we also found a weird Caterpillar that hissed and looked like it had an eye on its bum, a weird lump of moths that were both alive and dead, a horsefly, and a fire ant. Nate discovered the joy of rocks and the fountain. and I got to snuggle up next to my honey while walking the paths enjoying nature. It was truly a wonderful day

Until we got to Dicks Sporting Goods. We had to buy cleats for Sam and AJ since their soccer starts tomorrow. there is a track around the shoe department which Sam was running happily. I could see him just about all the way around except for when he would go behind one display. 3 seconds later he would come out the other end and that was the way it was. until lap 15 or so when he didn't come out after 3 or 5 or 7 at that point I walk over (all of about 6 steps) and sam is GONE! like no where to be seen GONE. I started calling for him the boys are looking for him I panic inside and feel like I am going to throw up. they shut down the store call CODE ADAM and we still can't find him. We are calling his name and all I can think is that "he doesn't know enough to tell me where he is" he wasn't going to answer us. by this point my older two are racing through the store looking in racks and under things and inside displays. dan takes off outside with nate to see if sammy left the store and its now been 4 minutes. I still can't find him and I am still calling his name all the while wondering why the hell I don't just shut up. I keep wondering whose high pitched shrieky voice that is... until I realise that it is in fact my own voice. I bite my lip and start to cry. 5 minutes. still no sam. I am getting the manager of the store to call the police and then someone asks "did you check the bathrooms?" 6 minutes still no sign of sam. I race through the store full sprint praying "dear god please just let him be there, just let him be ok and I swear I will never complain about the cross I bear with him ever again" 7 minutes... he comes out of the bathroom completely shocked and wondering what the fuss was all about. no clue. he is half naked and hopping up and down "i need you wipe sammy bum mum,bum mum bum mum" and I giggle and cry and get angry and cry more. call off the code adam buy the cleats and decide I need a trophy for the worst mom of the year award.
the beautiful flowers you can find all over the park grounds
wonderhubby with the boys.
nate and the discovery of rocks and the fountain. (he kept trying to get in)
bug hunters
in the castle