No Click

I keep forgetting to grab my camera when I go out. So many missed opportunities for great pictures. I haven't posted much because things have been a little more up in the air here than usual. We have some house guests and while they have been wonderful, it's still a change.

We have had lots of fun too!

We had a pool party! A friend of ours from church invited the entire family over to play in the pool. Remember when Sam was afraid of the water?  He isn't anymore! In fact he has been difficult to get out of the water. He even went in without a giant life vest! This is the THIRD time in 2 weeks he has gone in a pool and enjoyed himself.

Some of the kids and I went off to a farm and learned about carrots. yes, carrots. We had a blast!

Then we all went to a playground with everyone but Tyler. I gave some of the kids a great lesson in what boogers are made of. It was a homeschool group meet up and it was a blast. The kids ran until they were ready to fall over. The information about the meeting talked about a big red slide. I thought , OK a big slide. I saw what I thought they were talking about and didn't think much of it.

Then I looked over at Samuel and Nate running for the break in the trees. I squinted a bit and notices stairs... and THIS

They weren't kidding about the slide. It was GINOURMOUS! The kids were using cardboard to make themselves go even faster! We enjoyed food and some great people.

Our house guests had their kids visit yesterday and sleep over (8 kids in one place) and it was great. I do enjoy all the different personalities.

Today I did laundry to make up for playing hookey all day yesterday.

Anyone want to help me put it all away?

HAPPY EASTER

HE IS RISEN

IEP

The numbers are hard to hear sometimes. Seeing where the real deficits are and knowing how hard my boy is working is a tough pill to swallow. Most of you know we struggle with homework here  and so we had to talk about it at the meeting. We tossed around ideas and thoughts on how to motivate Sam and we came to the conclusion  that there was no answer. We have tried consequences, rewards, loss of recess, and nothing worked. Even missing recess didn't phase him. He wouldn't be angry or upset. He just didn't care.

It wasn't until the end of the meeting, when the reward system for his classroom was brought up,  that we figured it out. Actually Mrs G. figured  it out first. Mrs HM jumped on board and Mrs. A agreed. she came up with a great way to approach it with Sammy. He came home thrilled he had a new plan.

I am so blessed to have a team that works and understands Sammy.

In case you forgot...

 I know I forgot. I have officially been reminded.

Sometimes... I'm not so smart

I can be thick headed and strong willed. I have always been a fighter. For as long as I can remember I have been "the strong one". People would comment on how I they thought I was so strong, so tough. Well let me share a secret with you. It's all an act. It isn't strength or toughness. Sometimes, things just need to be done and I just get them done. In fact, I handle emergencies and stresses really well usually. Its after its all over that I fall apart.

 If you read my post yesterday you know I have finally conceded because I have no other choice.Let me explain just a little. It may be rather raw and disjointed. I can't guarantee it will make sense , but I will try.

I found out I was pregnant with Evie at the end of June. I knew we wanted more babies and we have always allowed the Lord to choose the timing and size of our family. I just wasn't as prepared as I thought. During the pregnancy our financial situation became precarious because I was no longer working. The pressure was on, Sam was out of control, my S.A.D. became overwhelming, it triggered extreme O.C.D. behavior. I couldn't do the things I needed to do in order to satiate my compulsions which just compounded the crazy feeling that was spinning out of control. I felt so frightened and overwhelmed. I even considered the idea of adopting out the baby.

I still didn't stop or slow down or deal with everything going on in my head. I didn't ask for help. I just buried my head and pushed. It's what I have always done and it use to serve me well, back when things were simpler.

Then Evie arrived. She was beautiful and amazing.

Then Chaos. I had no idea the ramifications would be so far reaching this time. I had no idea that I was about to land on my butt for the next 3-4 weeks. I suffered a Postpartum hemorrhage. It could have been far worse. It went from an amazing birth experience to a scary moment in the blink of an eye. My midwife, the nurses, OBGYN, and my husband all made it less traumatic then it could have been. My poor husband stood by and watched the chaos. I remember telling him that if something happened to me to not leave our girl. I was never actually afraid. I felt weirdly calm and peaceful.

I thought once I got home it would all be fine, but it wasn't. I was told to rest 2 weeks. I was told no lifting, no house work, no grocery shopping (my MW was specific about that) and I did as I was told. But the bleeding didn't stop, in fact it got worse. More medication and more rest. Every time I did more then get up and go to the bathroom It would start again. I finished day five yesterday. It should be over, but it isn't quite over yet. I have no choice but to sit it out and let my body heal ...slowly.

So yesterday I finally submitted to HIM.  and today I woke up to his message...
HERE
HERE
oh yeah and
HERE
Three places in my face within 5 minutes of logging on... 5 minutes .
I feel protected right now by HIS GRACE... strangely enough. I have every reason to be blue. Every reason to be sad and anxious. I have suffered with PPD though 4 out of 6 of my babies. Just Grace and Evangeline have been born without me feeling sad. Even when Grace would cry, even when Grace got sick and was placed in Hasbro Children's Hospital, even when Evie cries without a reason I can understand, even being stuck to this chair, dependent on people. It still feels like the sun is shining.

Don't get me wrong I am frustrated beyond belief. I am humbled and broken and listening.
However, I have learned that I am far more loved than I have ever imagined.. and that is a humbling experience.

(It's been a while but I am linking up with Shell over at PYHO)

Delicious

I have been recuperating from a wild ride the last week. I have been in a chair for days getting up only when I have to. Dinner time could pose a serious issue for our family if not for the work of some wonderful ladies and an incredible husband. A few of my momma friends sent over food to help out. Pizza, soup, lasagna, and shells and they were all amazing. My mom helped out and picked up some rotisserie chickens. Another friend brought over fruit and meats and other healthy options too.I am looking forward to getting back on my feet and I am getting there slowly.
This little girl here was totally worth it though so I won't complain.

I feel so blessed to have ladies that care so much about me so I can just sit and enjoy this ball of sugar.

Attachments

I watch my sweet girl Evangeline sleeping. I sit and drink in her scent like the worlds most expensive perfume. I barely put her down because without her my arms ache. They physically ache without her. I bury my nose into her neck, her skin is so soft.
 There were some serious complications following the birth. It was scary for my husband. My care provider handled it wonderfully. I felt cared for and safe despite being terrified  I don't feel traumatized.

I just feel blessed to be here. Blessed to hold my sweet girl. Blessed to see the connection happening between Sammy and his newest sibling. Nothing brings him out like a baby does. nothing. You can tell me that our kids cannot connect. You can show me the studies about autism and empathy. You can list any statistic you like but i KNOW better. He has a hard time connecting to me some days , but it's there. He never struggles to connect with his siblings.

Super Dan

So I know I say it a bunch but my husband is amazing. Today, my hips were hurting more than ever. He has been helping me get up and down all day while still helping with Grace. He got the boys to clean up the first floor and has been so wonderful to me today. I feel especially blessed today.

365days

I tend to forget all the wonderful positive things I have going on in my life. I really want to work at focusing on the wonderful amazing things that happen every day. My goal is to try to post at least once a day with something positive and happy in my life. It may not always be about Sammy. Feel free to join in if you like.

January 1, 2013

Sam was able to keep it together for the entire evening last night while we were at a friends house. 

It may not seem like a big deal to some but there were quite a few people and lots of unpredictable possibilities. He was awesome!

He held it together like a champ until the minute the car door closed, but when it mattered he was FANTASTIC. 

Ribbons and Bows

The sound of feet running up the stairs to jump on the bed with joy that Santa came doesn't happen here. Last year Nate got excited and jumped on the bed screaming that Santa came, and Sam decked him. Apparently he learned and it did not happen again this year. Sam came down 2 hours before everyone else and proceeded to have a full blown behavior. A carry over from the night before I am sure, but terrifying none the less.

The night before Daniel had to work his second job so I had to get all five children ready for my mom's house and it was horrible. Sam was physical and angry. He was anxious and that made him uncontrollable. We were supposed to be there for 5...we got there closer to 6:30. I just wanted to cry and quit to be honest., but the other 4 children deserved a Christmas. I cried a lot and by the time I got to my mom's house I was spent. The boys opened their gifts and enjoyed it all well enough. The littles got these cool helicopters and the spinning blades were enough to center Sam.  By the time we got home Sam was on the edge again and lost it. He got so upset he threw up everywhere.

Christmas morning was more of the same and I dreaded church.I left my camera at my moms so I have no pictures from Christmas morning. Daniel and I were in foul moods after dealing with Sam, not enough sleep, stress, and just holiday blah. I was sulking on the ride to church when I saw a tiny cross in the window of a house we passed. I must pass that house every single time I leave my house. But today I saw the little white cross and it made me think...
There are 26 families celebrating without someone they love in CT. 20 families that likely had gifts for their children wrapped and hidden and would give anything for the messy house and wrapping paper blizzard. 20 families that aren't going to get a Christmas morning at all. There will be no giggling kids, no toys, no joy in their house at all.

I snapped out of my funk really fast and looked back at Sammy, all puffy eyed and red faced from crying. I told him I loved him. I looked back at Nate and told him too...and Tyler...and AJ. I adjusted my attitude to one of gratitude and calm and it all seemed instantly better. I kissed my husbands cheek after church and reminded him.. we. are . blessed.

Almost time...

It's almost Christmas and we have been so busy getting things done, lots of knitting and baking, some crafting and sewing, and a whole lot of eating too.

We celebrated Dan's family Christmas last weekend while his mother was here from Florida. I made tutus for the little girls and capes for the little boys,caramel for the teens and hats for some of the other teens. One of the kids even received a Grover hat! The littlest family member received a beautiful knitted cap.

Grace got quite a few baby dolls which have now become her very best friends, some very sweet clothes, and a tea set. We have had a tea party every day since. Nathaniel and Sam got Legos and cool remote cars, markers, tool belts and a house to color. The children were all very pleased.

totally ready to party

our morning getting out the door was difficult to say the least. All our gifts were ready to go, the food was waiting to go in the car, and true to form Sam was beside himself. Social stories did not seem to help him this time like last year and he just could not pull it together. A quick text to my MIL to let her know we may not be going and to please come get the gifts for the kids. When she showed up we had just finished restraining Sammy, he had no shoes on, his face was puffy, and I was in tears. We couldn't find Sam's shoes anywhere. a hour of looking resulted in absolutely nothing more than being totally frustrated.

I made an executive decision to jump ship. I sent him with my MIL and older son. He put on my crocks and he went.
he spent the day in the basement , alone. He played alone the entire time the party as going on (after I made sure he was not going to get hurt or escape). He did come up to eat. He did not want to come up for presents and at one point even told Daniel he just didn't want any presents. An hour or so later I saw him from the corner of my eye walking along the hallway rubbing the plaster. He came in and opened his gifts.

Lego Reaction

In the long run, it was a win. It still makes me sad to see him separate himself from everyone. I am glad he knows what he needs and that we know enough now not to force the issue. A few years ago that wasn't the case. He just enjoys these things in a very different way.

Sam inside the bench, with the Legos.. Sammy Heaven

I spent the difficult times during the party (before and after too)  giving up the stresses for the souls in purgatory. It's no secret social responsibilities are hard for me too. I have tried very hard this advent to keep the focus where it needs to be with the children and myself. So many times I came up short on what I had hoped for myself.



But like everything else, God isn't done with me yet. I look forward to celebrating the birth of Christ with my family and making next year better. I am blessed beyond all measure to have healthy wonderful children, a loving husband, and Faith that all the things that suck in my life will get better.
Those tough days, are the days when God is working his magic on me to help me be the person I was always meant to be.

The Finish Line

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill

Fifteen percent concentrated power of will

Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain

And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

(fort minor-Remember The Name

Sunday morning was fantastically perfect for a half marathon. I had packed the car the night before with a change of clothes for each child and snacks for them in the morning. I had everything set and ready to roll with at 5:30am when we had to leave. The Team Up! with Autism Speaks Boston 13.1 Half Marathon started at 7 am and the group photo was at 6:40.

I still ended up late after getting turned around and then missing the exit. I got to the race just after 7 am in tears and panicking. I had to pee and that only put me farther behind. 

+When I signed up for this race I had planned on running it and I had not planned on being pregnant.

This race was never about me though, it has always been about supporting Sammy. When I explained to Sammy that I was doing this for autism awareness he asked " So people know kids with awwwtizzm (he always says that word with a weird inflection) aren't just stupid?" Sammy's insight has always astounded me. This whole morning was about him and supporting him and yes, trying not to cry.

 I got there late and I had to hustle to catch up. My oldest boy came with me so I wasn't alone, he is a spectrum kid as well. Sometimes I forget that because he does so well. I had only two goals 

1. finish

2. not make an ass out of myself.

I did the first, not sure about the second. I am often as socially inept as Sammy. I don't like to be around people, I don't read social cues well. I always wonder if people are just humoring me when they  are nice to me.

I caught up about mile marker 3 or so and somewhere around MM4 This Awesome Lady here passed me. I was fine until about MM8 or so then I began to fall apart and my hips began hurting. My legs were almost numb and my hips burned. Then "Remember the Name" came through the i-pod. I saw This blue haired guy running the other way and he waved and it made me feel better... a little. I powered through anyway and just kept going.

It was so amazing to me that every person that had a team up jersey on cheered me on. I gave a thumbs up to every person I saw with one too. I met an amazing momma who ran in a tu-tu and cape, a woman who had a double hip replacement (who finished before I did BTW), another friend Paula, that I met through twitter ran by me. She check on me, made sure I was OK, and offered support.

My beautiful boy Tyler encouraged me and pushed me and made me laugh every time I thought about quitting. He even rubbed my shoulders. I sat down at one point near MM11 and thought about waiting for the sweeper van, but all I could think was SWEEPER NO SWEEPING (thanks Jess). Someone walked by made sure I had water, asked if I was ok and encouraged me. As I came up to end of the course, two other women were walking the other way and gave me hope that I was almost there in the form of an OREO COOKIE. you have no idea how good that freaking Oreo was~!

My family met me just outside the finish line and I crossed it, in tears, at over 3hrs and 35 minutes. 

Why was I crying?

No, it wasn't the amount of pain my body was in. It wasn't hunger, pride, pain or exhaustion, or anything of the sort.

 It was the distinct realization that I was done, I had crossed the finish line...and that Sammy doesn't have a finish line. There is no end of the race for him, every day he gets up he is in it. He doesn't get to just be done. I didn't quit because he can't quit. I didn't stop because he never does, but I crossed the finish line and that is something he will never really do. I was done, and tomorrow Sammy will still wake up and be autistic. He will struggle to get dressed and brush his teeth. He will still loose it every night when it is time for homework. 

I may have finished the race, but my work is not done. For that reason I will be doing this again... after the baby of course. 

not just chub 16.5 weeks pregnant with baby number 6

Blessings

I want to write about my heart and my longing for Emma. Knowing it's been so long since my body held hers, so long since she was a part of me physically, makes it difficult not to. I feel like not placing those words down does her a disservice, like I am somehow negating her existence. Right now, I just can't put the words in place. I am simply having an "I Miss Emma" kind of day. I need to keep this inside for now, baby this feeling, feel it completely...alone. I may write on it soon, I may never write on it, and that has to be OK.

Today I am focusing on my blessings, the many wonderful blessings I have in my life. I think Emma would have liked that as well.

Sammy turned 8 yesterday and we went out to dinner. We had the most amazing time. Everyone behaved and not one meltdown was had (not even my own). He chose the place with the peanuts, after being talked out of Taco Bell. I was able to relax and enjoy our family and celebrate a wonderful day. Sam really wanted to sit on the saddle and have everyone say happy birthday! It was all he talked about all dinner long. After explaining that they wait until your done eating (mistake) he decided he was done. We did convince him to eat just a little more though.

Daniel has been struggling with major leg pain for a few months now. His blood work showed a few issues and we assumed he had Lyme. He took the meds and still did not get better. We started to fear the worst. We worried that he may have a tumor that was causing swelling and pain. After an MRI we have just been told he tore a tendon! OUCH. While this is certainly painful, it's not cancer.

My AJ, just started soccer for High School...so much for the kid who had a hard time learning to walk!
Tyler goes into his senior year.
Nate has discovered a passion to learn everything he can.
Grace can sign so many words...good, thank you, thirsty, done, dog, shoes, cookie, help, more, hair, eat and water. She loves to talk and seems to really understand everything.
This is week 13 with squish. the next few weeks are going to be really hard to get through. I am trying to enjoy each day I have squish with me.
And, while I could be just sad and heartbroken that Emma is not here in my arms, she is my heart. She was a part of my body for 14.5 weeks and she will be part of my heart forever. I pray she knows me when we meet in heaven, because I will be looking for her