Pictures You Won't See

In my basement, on a ledge, is a stack of pictures set into frames I never hang. Pictures of the boys in matching yellow and blue sweaters. A picture of the three of us for the church directory. Pictures at Tyler's First Holy Communion. Pictures of the boys

Pictures of my boys and me in the years between. Between Daniel and Trevor, between broken and functional. Between here and there.

Those pictures are too painful to look at. Even 14 years later I still hold my breath when I see them. They bring me no joy. No comfort. My heart skips and I feel my stomach plummet when I see them.
It was by far the worst time in my life, the most painful. It was brutal. The visceral reaction to those photos is overwhelming and unpredictable. They bring me nothing but pain.

And yet I was refined by fire, even then.

I keep those pictures so that my boys will have them some day. I don't want them to not have that piece of their childhood simply because it was dark. It was dark for them too, but it was different in their eyes.

I am finding out how well I protected them during those years. Too well it would seem. There are so many things they don't know. So much I will most likely never tell them.

And yet I was refined by fire, even then.

Those trials as difficult as they were, shaped me into who I am. It created in me the destruction necessary to build an even greater masterpiece. One with faith as the glue.

I was a pretty blue vase.
The was shattered back then. The pieces were so small I couldn't fix it myself.
I had to give myself and all of my brokenness to God.
He created , in me, something amazing and even more precious.
He made me a beautiful serving platter, to serve my family around me.

Here I am , broken again.
The pieces no longer something I can work with.
I have no choice but to hand my brokenness to God and let him work with remains of that platter.
Because as beautiful as it was, it still isn't what I am meant to be.

I have no doubt that I will be remade many times within this parenthesis. Not every time will be this brutal.

But for now,

I am refined by fire.

Sam- the transformation

Those of you that have followed us from the beginning know the struggles I have had with Sam and his behavior in the past. That was my biggest fear when we decided to pull him to home school him.
I saw us fighting to get anything done.

flying!

We have been at this since August with Samuel and he is doing great! In Fact, it's been amazing.

In August when we started Sam refused to read anything even close to grade level. He insisted he was a bad reader. He would cry at the mention of reading anything other than books the girls liked. I kept telling him how much the girls liked him reading and how great he was doing. He kept reading. Then I found him picking up other books. Now I find him reading books that surprise me.

after Quiddich 

He almost always gets his work done without and issue. Usually before noon, which is pretty awesome! He often says " I love being home schooled!"

He is struggling through some of his math though. He can't quite get the multiplication. He doesn't seem to know / understand the facts. So as soon as he doesn't get the answer right away he freaks out and cries. he is working on it slowly, but it is clearly difficult for him. I don't think it's because of the math itself but more because he is so afraid to make mistakes!

magic tree house book club

He has blossomed so far this year and I am amazed at how well he is doing.

Kisses and Blessings

My sweet girl has turned one.


525,600 minutes.. one year. How fast it Flies

How do you measure a year?

For us this week  we are celebrating 525,600 minutes of pure love and amazing blessings. The truth of every second  is nothing more than love.

From moments of doubt and uncertainty. Was I really even in labor? Shouldn't this be more painful?

To a screaming, squalling, cuddly little ball of pure love!

She settled into our lives as though she had always been there and was exactly what was missing.

When the nights and days ran into each other and I just prayed to live through them.

 

When the sun began to shine and the smiles came. The blessings knocked on my door.

Despite the sleepless nights and the long days full of worry. The awe and wonder of it all broke through every ounce of fear.

And She Smiled. Not just at me but into me. Her being presenting itself in a way no other child before had. Her presence was unmistakable

She would cuddle close and hold on tight as though her life depended solely on being in my arms. I reveled in the wonder of the child that surprised me.

And yet each day the wonder and awe grew. It bloomed like flowers in the spring after heavy rains.

She would not quit. She held the world in her hands and studied each moment as though it was the only one.

Laughter and sunshine despite many grey and bleak days.  She surrounded me in stars and moon glow.

She smooshed into me as though she were part of my body still. Cuddled deep into my heart and soul.

Watching through her eyes as the lights sparkled on the tree, sensing the wonder of all the world around me. I counted my blessings as she slept peacefully in my arms.

At almost a year I began to wonder how the year sped by. 

Now she is one. Self confident and aware. She knows what she wants. Her smile lights up my day and her tears tear at my heart. She does also still hate her carseat. Yet, I am amazed every day with how much I love the tiny, powerful, unexpected miracle that God has blessed me with.

I am blessed beyond belief to have such a wonderful little girl in my arms.

I can simply hope that my love is enough and that His Grace keeps it that way.

Feathers in the Sun

We have an old down comforter someone gave to us years ago when they bought a new one. It's probably about 8 or 9 years old. It's soft and worn and so very cozy. It's also quite old.
It has a small tear that I tied together with a hair tie until I could get to it. It also has a bunch of smaller holes now because the cat loves to play on it and chase the poofs.

The kids were all in my bed the other day. I was so tired because Evangeline had a rough night. I wanted the kids to go play, or go to sleep, or go to college. or something!

then I saw it.

I giant fluffy feather. It was high above Grace and Evie and it was softly falling down. The sun danced over the small wisps of feather edge and it made me smile.

Suddenly those babies couldn't be small long enough. We blew that feather around and caught it and giggled.

I felt like I was right where I wanted to be and I wanted to stop time. I was so overcome with pride and joy for the life I have.

It isn't easy here. Most days it isn't even fun. But we are working on it. Even if it takes a feather in the sun to remind me

45 Days

It's been 45 days since our van was stolen.

They never did find the thing. It is either out of state or it has been scrapped. Either way it's irrelevant.
That van was on it's last leg. It's inspection sticker was over a year expired, the doors fell off if you opened them wrong, the brake light was out, it smelled of something similar to old cheese, it would die if the brake light stayed down, it had a check engine light that stayed on for over a year, the oil gauge light came on every time you stopped, the front seats didn't move so I had to drive with a pillow behind me (since I am so short), and the brakes were going.

It was dying.
I don't care if it didn't move at all. the fact remains that someone took it. I don't care why or how. I don't understand why people don't understand that if it isn't yours DON'T take it. I don't care if it shows up on your door step. unless it's wrapped and addressed to you IT ISN'T YOURS!

I had been praying for a new van. This wasn't what I meant. Sometimes prayers are answered in ways we can never understand because it is all for his glory. In the end, the outcome was better than I could have imagined.

The van was replaced but there was more to it.
Again we were given amazing gifts of love and support.
A fractured family relationship was repaired.
Our community, church, family, and friends showed us what true selfless giving is really about.
In the end we were blessed.

I think about the people who stole our van often.
I was angry for a second. When my beautiful Grace cried giant tears of true loss and sorrow over her shoes and her car seat, I was ANGRY.
I don't care if you hurt me. So many people have and will again I am sure. My babies are a different story.

It's those moments I find it hardest to pray for the thieves. It's those moments that I need to pray for them the most. Because, anger can be so caustic. It destroys you from the inside out until all anyone sees is a bitter angry old person that cannot or will not smile.
I can't let them take any more from me then they have already
and so
I pray for them.

"Heavenly Father, you above all people know my heart and theirs. you know their motivations, their needs, and their wants. I ask you to bless them Lord because you, not I , are the final judge. Help them to be so blessed they hear your words and return to you. Help them to listen to your calling and change so that they do not inflict pain on anyone else intentionally again"
In your name ~ Amen

I have prayed it more in the last two weeks then ever before. I am certain I will be praying it more in the weeks to come.

Counting

I pretty much got sideswiped by November. We lost 3 cars in 4 weeks, I learned I have multiple disks bulging into my spinal cord, I got a severe breast infection complete with cellulitis and abscess, and we got hit with some financial crappiness. Seriously November was terrible!

But it's December now. It's Christmas time and while huge part of me want to cry in my cornflakes and pout about all the crap that I have been handed, I refuse to.

I am so blessed. I am so loved. My life is awesome because I woke up today.I may be home bound right now and I may have to rely on other people right now. But, I am blessed to have those people.

The person who stole our van also wrote themselves a check. Our mortgage was refused due to ISF. That all got fixed right away and for that I am grateful.

The person who stole our van took our children's car seats including a beautiful britax seat. That was all fixed right away as well and Evie doesn't hate her new seat as much. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also took my 6 wrap, my ergo, and my meitai wrap- my three favorites for out of the house baby wearing. A stranger to me sent us a beautiful 6 wrap in colors that make me feel happy and safe and comforted. A complete stranger sent me a beautiful Tula in the same print I had been drooling over forever. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also stole Grace's stroller. A friend made time to send her DH up with one for us. I got to visit with a delicious little two year old with the best cheeks ever. I am grateful.

My church, my friends, strangers, and even people in our family have pulled together to fix this. For the first time in a long time I feel loved by some people I really thought didn't care and I am reminded how loved we are by these people who are in our lives. People that just made an effort to let me know they are thinking about us, praying for us, loving us, even from afar. I am grateful.

It made me think again about God.
Time and time again I have been questioned about faith. "how can your God make this happen"
I do not believe that God placed me here, but it was allowed to happen for a reason. Those reason may be about me, my kids, my husband, or anyone in our circle. I don't know why. But I do know this...

It is all for his Glory. It is through his fire I am refined. That thought and the support of a few really amazing people I get p and I keep focused. It is that thought that keeps me from delving into an OCD nightmare. I can feel it looming one false step it will take me down. I do not doubt it.

But I have faith.
He gave his only son for me. I got this. Because compared to that , what I got isn't even close,
My kids weren't in the van. My kids are healthy. My MMIL is also healthy (praise God). I have an amazing husband, parish, and God. Everything is under control.

To the person who took our van and cashed that check.
I don't know what you are feeling or thinking. I don't know if you still have our van. Please know that I am asking everyone to say a prayer for you too. That you see how much you are worth in God's eyes. That you know the kind of outpouring of love I have seen since you took our van. I pray for you every time I pray for me. Because you can strip me of my possessions, my money, my sense of safety, and my sense of peace for a moment. But nothing you can do can make me stop loving and praying for you. Because God loves me even when I screw up ( and trust me have I ever screwed up) and he loves you too. You don't have to believe the wind exists to feel it and even when you can't see it, it is still there.

Bittersweet

Let me very clear. I am proud of Sammy and who he has become. I am amazed by Sammy and everything he is. I love him so much that it hurts to try and quantify it.

But it is often hard. It is usually a challenge. It is always just a little extra effort.

It's Sammy.

My rainbow boy.
The boy who smiles from inside out even if he doesn't ever smile back at me. He loves to hug me these days and always asks "Why do you smell so good there Mommy?"  He tells me now that he has big feelings. He cries from sadness now as well. It isn't just angry and happy. But , he still has some of the most annoying stims (currently a screech), he calls names when he gets even a little bit angry, and he hits. He makes me so angry sometimes that I want to run away from home. Just take the itty bitty and go far far away. But to think about life without him makes my eyes burn and my throat catch. He is after all my rainbow baby ...right?

He has taught me so many incredible things. Far more than I have taught him. He frustrates me beyond belief and makes me so very proud every day.
Some days, like today, it's hard to breath. The weight of life with Sam  can often feel like falling into an endless hole filled with jello.
Green Jello.
My Nemesis.

What is the alternative though?
Life without? I know what that is like to some degree. I don't have my Emma with me.

Sam Blowing out the candles

So my Darling Rainbow Boy,
Please know I love you with all that I am. Every moment. Every breath. Every second of every single day. Forgive me for the tears that fall because sometimes the bittersweet of it all is just too much to hold inside.

Emma's angel Dan Bought in 2010 for me

My Dearest Emma,
Please know that even though i spend the day laughing and celebrating you are also so very close to my heart. Know That I love you as well, though I never held you in my arms. There will always be empty space where your hand belong in mine, silence where your name belongs on my lips, and longing in my arms for you.

Happy Birthday My Sunshine Boy Sam and Dearest Emma.
today we celebrate all that you are.

HAPPY EASTER

HE IS RISEN

One Month

It's been one whole month since Evangeline arrived earth side. Shes a spirited little thing. She loves to cuddle and snuggle up and she loves to stare at us.



We are so in love. We had her picture taken by a friend who has a photography business. Since my camera broke in the hospital and I have yet to settle on what I want. She fit us in on the fly even though she is super pregnant.

Peace

Due to some unforeseen circumstances I need a little more help the next few weeks. Recovery hasn't gone as easily as I would like and I am left feeling powerless and stressed. My house , my life, and my laundry are all a mess. The pile of dirty clothes is now taller than I am. I think ... since I am not allowed downstairs right now.

I am a do it yourself kind of girl. I don't often ask for help or accept help. I don't like to be vulnerable. It's very difficult for me for sure. This has been a humbling experience.

A dear friend of mine has begun organizing some help me while I am down for the count. I feel so blessed to have the friends I do. My sister in law came yesterday and spent the day with me while my friend Michelle took the littles for the day. It was very restful.

I am so grateful to have people that care about me this way

Wonder Hubby Strikes Again

My darling husband has been caring for me for the last 2 weeks since Evie was born.He has been doing laundry, cleaning house, taking care of children, cooking meals and waiting on me.Not once has he given me a hard time about it. He just manages to get it done. I hope he knows how grateful I am that he works so hard to make me happy.

15 minutes before Squish joined us Earth side

He held my hand and rubbed my back during labor with all our babies. He holds my hand for no reason. He kisses my forehead because he knows it calms me. He loves me without complaint. I could learn a lot from him about love and service.

I tend to complain, cry, pout and sometimes I even sulk. He doesn't. He just takes care of me gladly.

I'm pretty blessed.

  

Evangeline's Birth Story

I have to put it somewhere so I don't ever forget the awesome that was her birth


 had an apt with my midwife on Friday (39w2d) and baby was super low. It was getting difficult to walk around between the SPD and having such a low baby. We went over my birth plans which essentially came down to " don't touch me unless you need to or I ask for help" I laughed and told my MW that I would see her Sunday (my last 3 babies before Evie were born on a Sunday) I left and double checked my apt. for the next week and told the receptionist I likely wouldn't be there for it. I just really felt like baby was going to come very soon.

Saturday I didn't even have so much as a Braxton Hicks and I was not thrilled. I was starting to wonder if my intuition had been off. Sammy had a major behavior and as a result broke his brothers metal toddler bed. we decided to go shopping at an IKEA for a bed set I wanted for the boys to replace it. I had no idea that IKEA was like the Labyrinth and you couldn't get in and out quickly. The littles had a blast and we found what we needed. It took us hours to find the exit and then the lines were INSANE so we opted to leave without what we came for because at that point my hips hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I lost the remainder of my plug while walking around IKEA. We stopped at a Panera on the way home and I had half a sandwich but didn't really feel that hungry.

Suddenly I began to have a panic attack and I realized Baby would be coming sooner rather than later. I felt that way before each of my babies births. We went home collected the older children and went to church. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while and they were all asking when I was due. When I told them Wednesday but I felt baby was coming tonight everyone was excited. I felt especially anxious this time and asked our deacon and priest for extra prayers.

We got home and fed the kids and I just wasn't hungry.  Around 11 I started to feel some real contractions and really got nervous. I just felt like Something wasn't right and there was some sort of impending doom.  I started to feel hungry but everything I tried to eat made me gag. I was so mad that I didn't nap earlier because now I was tired and too keyed up to sleep.

I put on my birth music (full of eminem and fort major as well as some great praise and worship music) I sat on my ball and tried to be calm. I wasn't in any pain yet and the contractions weren't even time-able yet. I just wanted to nap and it was making me so mad that I couldn't. Around 1 am we called the midwife to let her know that yes I was in labor and would head over when I felt ready to. At about 130ish my legs started trembling and I started gagging after every contraction. The hospital was 25 minutes away and it was snowing so we called the midwife and let her know I was heading in.

I got in the car and prayed a rosary with my husband and that brought some relief of the fear and feeling something just wasn't right. I didn't have one single contraction in the car at all on the ride there. As soon as I got out of the car however I had one on top of the other across the parking lot into the ER.It was now just after 2 am.

I got up to L&D on my own without a wheelchair but had contractions every 10 feet. It felt good to be moving and to have something to focus on outside the fear. I got hooked up to the monitors and had my stress test (hospital policy) it felt nice to hear squish on the monitor and see baby was doing fine. it calmed my fears some thankfully. I was still gagging and puking after every contraction at this point. My MW checked me and said I was 4 stretchy to 6 so we were in business.there would be no other checks for the rest of labor! I got in the tub and it felt lovely for about 30 seconds.

I started to feel trapped in the water and wanted to get out it was now 3am. and my contractions were every 7 minutes or so, some worse than others. I was still feeling the need to pee every 5 minutes so I sat on the toilet and had a wonderful strong contraction. we listened to baby for a second and everything sounded great. I tried the ball but baby was so low it hurt. I could feel squish filling my hips at that point. I got something to help with my nausea since I couldn't stop gagging and it was making me crazy. I needed to stay hydrated if I wanted to avoid an IV. I decided to go for a walk and got about 5 feet from my room when I had to pee again. I tried a few more times to go for a walk but had to pee constantly. I felt like I had something prodding my bladder constantly.

I figured out that raising the bed and leaning over it felt awesome.The contractions weren't super painful except for the very peak of it. sometimes I pictured god hugging me. So I did that for the next few contractions it was now 345.I asked them to lower the bed so I could sit on it one contraction later I had to pee again and went over to the toilet. DH informed me that I had a bunch of bloody show on the pad on the bed. I figured I had about another hour or so to go . As I sat on the toilet I suddenly felt my body push and felt Squish slide down and I found myself growling. The midwife came in and checked just to make sure baby wasn't going to be born in the toilet.
SURPRISE!
There was baby crowned and ready to go. it was now 355

She asked if I could get up and I told her I couldn't move. Her and my Hubby picked me up and moved me to the bed where I asked to be I could not move on my own and they helped me position myself so that I could push when I was ready.The pressure was intense but not painful I felt full and slit in two along my pelvis. then my water broke as my body pushed on it's own again.. I remember saying "oh that took care of some of the pressure" then in the same moment baby came out with her hand by her face and she kicked at the same time. She flew out of me as the midwife tumbled her out of the cord that had corkscrewed around her body. 358

I looked and realized what I saw and asked " DID I JUST SEE BABY VAGINA?" (hows that for tact?!?)
baby was placed on my chest and latched right on. I squealed with absolute delight over baby. She was latched on cord intact for about 15 minutes. Then I cut the cord (first time in 6 babies) and about 10 minutes later the placenta came.

Cookie Cutters

This picture represents the last three children I gave birth too. Grace, Nate, and Evie. All three of them are beautiful. I wish I could find a picture of Sam at this age he looked the same. I do wonder though when do I get one that looks like me? I don't think I am asking too much, do you?

They are so cute though. Their beauty takes my breath away

Friends

We have been blessed with some serious angel friends in our circle. Friends that go to bat for us, support us in difficult times and reach out for us when we really needed it.

I have had friends come visit and help clean up. I have had friends come and chit chat so I don't feel so alone. I mentioned that I was feeling isolated and people in my life made a point to help. I really do feel blessed to know them.

Stepping Into The Sun

It's been crazy with all the snow here. Sam has had a hard time adjusting  to being home and the change of routine.

Today I stepped into the sun with my boy. He asked to cuddle. He wanted to snuggle and he was so sweet. Half an hour of time where the two of us just existed. It was worth every second.

My fluffy headed boy has such a soft marshmellowy side and it doesn't visit us often. I miss it when I don't see it for a while. I am so glad I could connect with him for even a little while

Kids

I am so grateful my kids all get along so well. The older kids like each other (most of the time) Nate and Grace are best of friends. Sammy adores Grace and is looking forward to the new baby coming in just a few short weeks. (By the way if you tried to get to my guessing came from this post, you need to put "squishguessgame in the left hand side of the page where it asks if you have been invited to play. So far we only have 3 entries other than mine.)





today Grace walked over to Sam and wrapped her little arms around him and told him she loved him. He smiled and ruffled her hair. It was so sweet. So many families spend their time fighting, I am grateful mine do not. It isn't always roses. Nate figured out how to really annoy Sam and set him off. Sam goes after Nate sometimes too.  They are after all human children.

Just for The Fun

Sammy's backpack and lunch box both broke this week so tonight we went off to find another.He graduated this past year away from the fire engine red back pack that listed his allergies. I finally trust the school and the nurse to get it right. They are fantastic with it. So this is the first year he has had a "real" back pack and lunch box.

He of course picket a loud brightly colored backpack that makes me cringe but He was happy with it. It also has an insulated area so we didn't need to buy a separate lunch box for him to put his bento box in. So excited about that.

He did look at the lunch boxes and tried to convince us to buy a giant 3 person cooler for his lunch box. Ummm yeah ... no.

He and Dan tried on silly hats and listened to music and Sam got to ride on Daddy's shoulders.

It was a nice night out  for an hour.

Snate

January 8, 2013

Nate is 5 and an absolute handful.  We often find ourselves calling his name  for one reason or another. We have been so use to calling after Sam that automatically we would start calling Sammy and switch to Nate. Nate then became ..Snate.

If he weren't so social, engaged, and articulate I would swear he was a spectrum kid too. He doesn't have any kind of diagnosis as far as anyone is concerned and to be honest I am not sure I am interested in one. He learned a lot from Sam, both good and bad. Now he is teaching Sam.

 Nate will often sit in the car and try to engage Sammy in conversation. He will ask about his day, his friends, his school work, even his lunch. Sam offers one, maybe 2 word answers but it never deters Nate. In fact Nate has taught Sam how to build Lego projects and follow the directions. Nate has showed Sam how much fun it can be to build cities, and create stories.

The fight like puppies and the cuddle up now and then. I am so blessed to have a ray of sunshine like Nathaniel. Some days (like today) he is just difficult too. He has those days where he just doesn't want to listen, just can't get himself together, and is all over the place. No matter how is day goes he cuddles up to me at night before bed, tells me he loves me and falls asleep beside me.

How can I

January 6, 2013

How can I feel anything but blessed with these silly little beans in my life?

A Wink

January 5,2013

You ever have one of those moments that convince you God is just giving you a hug? A friend of mine calls them God Winks. I was so down Thursday night all I wanted to do was cry. I was tired, anxious, spent, and just done. I was tired just thinking about the next day being nothing but the same....

then I heard this.