Moving Away

For as long as I can remember in my adult life I have wanted to get out of Massachusetts. South Carolina, Georgia, and Virginia have called my name for decades and I just feel so at home when I get there.

A big part of the need to move is my inability to handle the winters here. The cold makes my body hurt and my fingers and toes burn from October to June. I am anxious about snow and watching my husband drive to work in 6+ inches of snow. It's pretty, on a Saturday, when we are all home with no where to go. Otherwise. No, Just No!

The kids may miss it though. they love making snowmen and sledding. But poor Nate always ends up with hurting fingers. Sam refuses to wear anything remotely warm on his feet or body. I have to hide his shorts because he would wear them in the snow. Grace is always naked, even when it's cold. I can't keep shoes on her! Then of course there is the coats and car seat issue. such stress! then winter hats at the kids school that could spread lice. Months of bitter cold with chapped lips... just ewwww

Daniel and I have been praying about what to do. I have some family here and it is hard leaving them. There are a few things that make me worried about leaving the one place I have always lived. I can feel God tying up the ends I need to feel peaceful about moving. I can almost see it happening, as though I am watching a chess game of my life. I have no idea what the end result will be but I am starting to get some real peace about moving.

 We are going to florida in June and we are hoping to get a jump on moving then.

Prayers and Positive thoughts welcome

Goodbye Too Soon.

A friend very dear to me has suffered a terrible loss. A life Gone too soon. I see people saying that they don't understand how things like this happen. How can one person feel so hopeless.

I understand too well exactly how someone gives up all hope.



22 years seems like long ago and far away.
I was 14.
I was lonely. I felt like I had no friends.
I was emotionally unstable.
I was self abusive
I was anxious all the time.
I was angry all the time.
I was sad all the time.
I would cry for no reason. Sobbing.
 A friend of mine took his life over a girl. I still remember my friend Kevin telling me in the band room. I was sitting on the left hand side of the stage. He was behind me when I asked him what was wrong. He told me.

I don't remember the rest of the day.
It was as though my brain shut off and I just couldn't function. That kind of emotional disconnect can be scary for a teenager. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I was isolated and scared and numb.

It started to make sense to me. I was drowning in a giant sea of despair.

Now I know those were all warning signs but back then I had no idea that I was in the process of a breakdown.
That weekend I took a bunch of pills.
I distinctly remember the clock in the car on the way to the hospital. 5:55pm.
I remember thinking make a wish.

"Dear God, please, please just let me die"

The next thing I remember was an incompassionate doctor shoving a tube down my throat to pump my stomach. I remember talking to the woman from the mental health ward as I threw up the charcoal they were pushing into my belly. I remember her asking me if I heard voices. I remember wanting to punch her.

22 years seems like a long time.

Years later. I drove my car into the water at Jone's Beach.
Again I had lost my focus. I was getting divorced. I was loosing everything. I had no job. I had no money. I had no pride. I had just lost Emma. I was broken. I was raw. I was tired of fighting th demons that chased me all hours of the day and night. I felt unlovable. I felt lost. I felt unworthy of the air around me. I was saved by an Angel.
I was 24. That was 12 years ago.

In those 22 years I have given life to 6 amazing children.
I have married the man of my dreams.
I don't know that those 22 years have had much more impact than that on anyone but me.
But, these days I know that nothing is so hopeless that it cannot be fixed. Nothing is forever. Nothing is lost forever. It may feel dark and cold where you are. It won't always be that way.
These days I have FAITH and TRUST in His Grace and His Glory.

I make this promise to those of you reading this. I am here. If you ever feel as though you don't matter. If you ever feel like there is no way out. I am here. Talk to me. I promise I will be there.
Because I do understand.
I have been there.

Memorial Day

I keep thinking about my Vavoo.

He was my hero and I loved that man with all of my heart. So much so that when he got sick I took care of him even though I had two small children at the time. Our family worked together and made sure he had around the clock care. My aunt and cousin taking the brunt of it.

He played this game with us where he threw change in the air and let us collect it from the living room. He had a chicken full of his rolled up bills and a squirrel full of quarters. He taught me how to make snowflakes from paper, turn a garden with a pitchfork, and how to tell when a tomato was ripe. He use to give me money and send me to the corner store to get his cigarettes with extra money for ice cream. He would sneak me cotton candy at the feast and buy me malassadas. He taught me how to make sublatha ( a red sauce for meats). He didn't beat me when I caused his sweetbread to fall, even though I am sure he wanted to, and he taught me how to make sheshpidos. He would hold me on his lap and sing me songs in Portuguese and he would always do my hair when I slept over. Most of all, he loved me, unconditionally. Without exception.
Even when I turned up pregnant at 17.
For those of you that know an old school Portuguese man, that is a big deal.
He was bigger than life to me. He was my Hero.

I was in mass yesterday and Msg Oliveria was talking about remembering those who fought for our freedoms and served our country. I thought of my Vavoo and how he fought in WWII.
Suddenly it occurred to me that he probably killed people.
My Vavoo...killed people.
I cant quite reconcile that in my head. He was the most gentle loving man to me. He did his job as a soldier. He was proud of his service. But, he may have had to kill people.
35 years it took me to realize that.
He remains my hero and that becomes just one more thing that makes me love him.
Not because he killed someone, but because he was still able to love after it. I am sure it changed him and in some ways broke him.
But that man was my Hero.
Nothing changes that

Magical Moments

We don't venture out often with Sammy to traditional places. We go when it's quiet, empty, and safe. That way when (not if) he melts down we can get out fast. We always have an escape plan.

When you have a kid like Sam , sometimes military tactics are necessary!

We dropped Tyler off at BU for 12 days of wrestling camp. The ride up and back was a little rough for Sammy since sitting still is NEVER his forte. We all survived it. We were coming over the bridge to our house and Daniel mentioned the carnival on the other side. I cursed under my breath. My darling husband wasn't thinking that Sammy had probably already had more than enough stimulation for the day. I wasn't happy, the question "how many blocks did I earn" had already begun being asked repetitively.

If we said no to the carnival, there would be a meltdown.

If we said yes to the carnival, there would be a meltdown.

There was no winning this.

So... we went to the carnival.

I prayed so hard that it would be ok. The last time we attempted anything of the sort it started with spinning pumpkins but ended with having to restrain him in the back of the pavilion as he tried to flip the table to get away from all the people.

I just couldn't take a repeat. 

Then the magic happened. 

PURE, UNADULTERATED MAGIC. 

There was almost no one there, and Sam took a minute to gather it all in. He got flappy for a bit and I was prepared to leave. Then he hugged me and told me I was the best mom ever. He tuned in to me, the world around him. For the first time in as long as I can really remember he was 100% present. He engaged. He went on rides. He loved the Ferris Wheel and the Polar Express. It was such sheer joy just watching him enjoy the fair. He asked to buy a water bottle. That was the best 3$ water bottle we have ever bought. We walked home the two blocks. We played on the cannons. We sang and we ran.

We snuggled and watched a movie.

And just like that, the next morning, he was gone. Disengaged and moody.
It didn't matter because now I have that wonderfully amazing night in my head. I know it CAN happen so there is hope it will happen again. What a blessed night we had,truly magical.