18 and Life

My Darling Son,

You are now an "adult" in the eyes of the law, but to me you are still the pudgy little boy in flannel pajamas. You've never moved past that in my mind really. It eventually all flashes back to you cradled in my arms minutes after you were born.  So be gentle with me young man as you spread your wings. You see you are learning to fly and I am trying to learn how to let go.

I will have far less control over the choices you make from this point. Not because I cannot exert my will but because, I choose not to. You my boy have proven yourself to be a man of character and of that I am beyond proud.

Your faith is the core of everything you have been taught. I know your faith is important to you and I am so proud of the way you live it everyday. You stand behind your words with actions that any mother would be proud of.

There will never be a shortage of advice from me I am afraid. While I may be letting you fly, I am still your mother. That same mother that screamed at your wrestling matches, laughed at your punchline-less jokes, and taught you to smile for pictures so you didn't look like you were in pain. I am also the same mother that slept on a couch for a year so that you had a bed and would do it again in a heartbeat. Don't ever be afraid to come to me if you need it.

So many young men your age are faltering and failing because being a young man in the world today is hard. Being a man of faith and conviction in times like this is even harder.

Remember your faith, your love, and everything in between and that my door and my heart is always open for you.

States

When you have a child it's like being given a giant book with millions of pages. It seems almost impossible to read through it, it feels like getting to the end will take forever. Then BOOM suddenly you're at the end of the book staring down the barrel of an entirely new book. That's the way it goes.

Tyler leaves tomorrow for states. He didn't do as well at sectionals as we had hoped and it was incredibly heartbreaking for all of us. I spent most of the day bursting into tears, especially when I realized that this would be the last time I saw him wrestle. He goes to states as an alternate tomorrow. If anyone in his divisional weight class cannot wrestle he does. I physically cannot make it there to watch him. With my due date just 9 days away I am nearly unable to walk by noon most days thanks to SPD.

In a few short weeks he will be 18. Shortly after that he could be moving away for a job out of state. he wants to join the military after that in wrestle there. He wants to spread his wings and that amazes me.
He amazes me. His lack of fear, his fresh look at the world, his youth... it's all so incredible. I have raised an amazing young man that I am so proud to call my son. Despite every single screw up I have ever made, despite the drama of his early years. Despite being a teen mom, he turned out OK.

So many chapters are closing for Tyler this year. So many opportunities are waiting for him. I can't wait to see what the next 18 years brings him.

Glad to Have Dad.

My dad is a hero when it comes to my boys. They tell me that "bapa knows everything"     I will often be asked a question (even by the older two) and be told that they don't believe me they are going to ask bapa.

my dad is a full time student at our local college. He is doing amazing.  It may not seem like a big deal but my dad is an as Aspie   As a kid he was called names and made fun of for being slow and not understanding things. he really believed he was stupid. Things have changed so much in the last few decades for kids like ours. What a blessing understanding can be.

My parents took the little boys a few weeks ago and there was a civil war reenactment over at the High School. My dad and husband brought them over and they LOVED it.

Last One

Tyler is a senior this year. I am still not entirely sure where all that time went.

Wasn't it just yesterday he was a wiggly 8lb new born in my arms? How can he be almost 18 years old already?

Wasn't he just that pudgy little baby that loved to snuggle and sing? I remember how just showing him a camera made him smile.  I remember how he would climb up on my lap and snuggle his face in my shoulder as though it was just the two of us.

Wasn't he just that precious toddler that got into everything and explored his world with sheer tenacity? I remeber asking him once to sing me a song because I didn't feel well. He asked me what I wanted him to sing about and I answered, a lion. The song that followed was exactly that... " bout a yiiion, a yiooon, booout a yiiiooonnn!"

Wasn't it just yesterday he cried on my  shoulder afraid the tooth fairy would try to take all of his teeth? Wasn't it just yesterday that he learned to ride a bike and made his first communion? How did the time go by so fast?

It seems like the last few years went by even faster. I swear he just started wrestling and won his first medal, but last night I watched his final home match.

He placed second at the Vocational State Tournament last weekend and Sectionals is only weeks away. His birthday is approaching with light speed and I am both excited and nervous about what that means for my boy. Last night they honored the parents of the seniors and I received the most beautiful flowers from Tyler.

And then... for the very last time I watched my boy ,who somehow looks more like a man then I ever realized,  walk onto the mat. His final home meet of his wrestling career. Tears sprung to my eyes and my throat felt tight. The season is closing quickly and my little boy has slipped away. I am honored to be the mother of such an outstanding young man. The speed that took us here makes my heart both ache and take flight. 

Winning

Tyler was able to return to the mat today for wrestling. I, of course, was a a nervous wreck. I prayed incessantly before , during, and after ever match. This was a big deal tournament today. It was Vocational States.

Tyler's first match he won by points. The second match he pulled out a spectacular win. Everyone around us was amazed and thrilled he won the match.

He fought a valiant fight in his third match, but he lost. He made no errors and he truly did his absolute best. The things is, so did the other kid, his opponent's best was just... better. It's a hard lesson to learn, but a rather  important one for sure.

I am beyond proud of my boy. He brought everything he had and he fought with every last bit of it.

Good Choices

 Today is the anniversary of Roe vs Wade and it is no secret that we are very firmly pro life  in every way. 

I can understand the difficult decisions many women face and I don't judge those women in  any way. I feel sad that they were ever in that position. 18 Years ago I found myself in that very position. I was going to start my senior year of high school, I wasn't even 17 yet. I knew a few girls that had gotten abortions in my class. I thought about it for a split second, but I knew it was a baby and I knew I couldn't do it

All these years later I have an amazing boy that is going to very soon be an adult because I chose to have him.

It was the hardest choice I have ever made. It changed the trajectory of my entire life. It hasn't been easy . It has often been unpleasant and brutal and more difficult than I could have ever imagined. 

However, the rewards have been even greater. My son is an amazing kid. I am so unbelievably proud of him and I KNOW without any doubt that I made the right choice. I may not have been able to go to college like I had planned , or join the air force, or even just gone to a graduation party like everyone else my age. But this surpasses all of that in ways you can't possibly imagine. 

family

I am blessed to have an incredible family. They understand my crazy and love me anyway.

Concussed

January 9, 2013

Our oldest boy wrestles and I know I have mentioned before how very good at it he is. It's a rough sport for sure and injuries happen. We knew that going in.

Tyler is an Aspie and has learned a ton of great social coping skills  to the point where most people have no idea. He hides behind humor and silliness and it is one of the MANY things I love about that boy. As my oldest son we have a special kind of bond and we are very close. Ty tells me just about everything and he comes to me for advice. He is 17 and such a blessing to our family. He connects with Sammy in a way no one else can. My two spectrum boys really do get each other.

Tyler was at a meet this weekend and was dumped on his head, hard. He was rushed to the local hospital on a spine board complete with a neck brace. The trainer began to tell him they thought he might have broken his neck. I wasn't there, the meet was 2.5 hours away and Dan had to work. He must have been terrified.

But he is OK. He does have a concussion and he is off the mat for AT LEAST 14 days post headache, but he should be able to wrestle for sectionals. Right now we just want to protect him enough to get him there. Last year he broke his collar bone 2 weeks before sectionals and it ended his most promising season. He won't allow that to happen again and he is terrified it will.

I am so grateful for his coaches that make sure the kids are safe. We have an incredible staff and they all love the kids. Tyler has learned so much on the mat. One of the coaches is now Sam's coach too.

Someone asked how I can watch Tyler wrestle. It's simple. When your child has a passion for something, you watch. You endure crazy early morning rides to Dighton, PB&J for lunch each Saturday, cold toes, and aching backs from bleachers. You go and scream yourself hoarse, call out moves, and pray at the sidelines, because when your child has a passion, you support it even when you don't want to. This is the last sport I would have picked, but Tyler picked it and he excels at it. So I support him in any way I can.

I am blessed he wasn't seriously hurt  and that he can finish out his season chasing his dream and fulfilling his passion.

My Heart Flew Away

I sat there as he grabbed his pack and headed toward the door. "He didn't even look back!" was all I could think as I watched him walk away. I watched the confidence in his step and the pride in his movement and I thought "My God where has my boy gone?"

 The boy with soggy shoe laces and muddy fingernails.
The boy who was such a "mamma's boy" that I was afraid he would be living in my basement at 50.
The baby who cried unless he could see me.
Where did he go?
Where did this grown man come from?

I still see that little boy with the round soft doughy cheeks and bowl hair cut that never sat right in the back. I can still feel his sticky little hands on my cheeks. My God, how did this happen? How did this boy grow up so fast?

Too much time wasted on things that didn't matter as he grew up right beneath my nose. I feel as though I squandered his childhood, as though it would never end. We didn't take enough fishing trips, or cuddle enough, or talk enough... is it ever enough?

I worry about him so far away. He is on the trip of a lifetime and he deserves this. I worry that traveling as an Aspie can be hard or even dangerous. He is with people who know him. They know he would loose his head if it weren't firmly attached, they know how forgetful he is, they know how easily he misreads things. I know he is safe and capable.

After all hasn't that been what the last 17 years were about? Wasn't my job not just to care for a child but to raise a thoughtful,loving,well rounded, capable young man? With that thought, I watched him walk through the doors of the terminal and not look back for a second. I saw a capable young man who is simply AMAZING. I saw my heart walk away with a 5' 6" body and size 12 shoe but in my head he was still that soft little boy who fit perfectly in my arms and cried when he first went to school.

Someday, I may dance with him at his wedding and I pray he will indulge this crazy old woman with a moment to relish in who he was, is and will become.