Thursday, July 26, 2018

When It's Endless

Do you see those clouds? The seem endless don't they? As if they simply go on forever and never ever end. they seem so beautiful don't they? Those clouds as beautiful as they are carry rain and thunder. An intense storm dropped shortly after this photo was taken. Just a few hours later and these clouds became dark scary and powerful.

That is my life right now.

I am in the storm, not the eye , since that would be calm, but the thick of it. Swirling winds, pounding rain, and debilitating pressure.

I am drowning.

There doesn't seem to be an actual end in sight. There isn't anything I can do and I am just so tired of fighting.

You know , no one wants to talk about this stuff. Depression scares people. They don't want to deal with it, they tell you to pray, they offer platitudes that do absolutely nothing. If a hallmark card fixed it , don't you think I would have done that already?
 Depression and talking about mental health makes people uncomfortable.
It's time we stop treating mental illness as though its a big scary monster under the bed. It isn't

It's a big scary monster sitting beside people in your life right now

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Sometimes It's just hard to breath

Most of you know the feeling, the weight on your chest, the restlessness in your body. That feeling that you just want to be anywhere but here. The feeling that your life is somehow being sucked away from you into a vortex of inability and disappointment. It will fade sooner or later. I have learned that much. This feeling doesn't stay forever, it just feels like it will.
This, restlessness...
It consumes me more often than not

It could be because I am not doing what God wants me to. It could be because I am and somehow I should be learning from this. It could simply be that my brain is broken beyond repair. It could be this time , this feeling doesn't go away.

I just can't breathe and honestly I am just so tired. I am tired of trying to smile when I feel nothing. I don't even really feel sad anymore. Just broken and restless.

I feel like a failure. It's as if I just can't put the puzzle together even with the pieces numbered and placed in front of me.

I just want to be anywhere but here. I want to be far away from whatever this is supposed to be.
Most of all, I want to feel something.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Mother's Day Without the Son

It all happened so fast. Time flew by and my babies grew. One is a Soldier, one is an Airman. One is married with a child, the other turned 20 today. One is working hard to be the best young man he can despite the difficulties that are in front of him.
It's my mother's day without the Sons. It couldn't be more fitting for the day to have been rainy , dreary, and sad. I tried to be happy but it was difficult.

I had a moment in church when I realised that we fit in a smaller pew now. the girls with us, and Nate serving. I miss having all my children with me. I missing hugging them whenever I want to.  Wrapping my arms around them , reminding them they are loved, and being silly with them. I miss the big boys breaking into wrestling matches everywhere. They really are best friends. Maybe I did something right after all?
I hope they know how loved they are. How blessed they have made me, and that no matter how far away we are from each other, I am just a phone call away.

Friday, May 4, 2018

Little Hands and Gentle Hearts

Those little hands are Annabelle's. She is 3 now. I am not entirely sure where time went or how she is now a preschooler rather than a toddler. She is loving and strong and vibrant. Everything she is meant to be. She is amazing.

But those hands, those hands remind me of the gentleness I need to put forward. The soft that makes me the woman God created me to be. I focus on helping my children to be who they are called, but I often forget who I am called to be.

Life is hard. Very hard. So many moving parts that create an insurmountable wall of fear and sadness. I often want to quit. I want to give up on everything and just fade into the darkness in my mind.
but I don't
and I won't

Because those little hands need my guidance still.

Some days I can hardly breath. I just don't have the energy. But I keep going, because this is part of what I am. Who I am. 
I am trying to learn from it rather than be destroyed by it.
Often, I am bitter and angry. I want to be spiteful and vengeful. I am after all human. But instead I silence myself and quiet my heart.
I just pray that this cloud goes away.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Batteries Not Included

I'm here. Sort of. Albeit in pieces. I can hardly breath most days. My life is heavy and uncontrollable often. I put one foot in front of the other. Not because of any sort of determination but simply because dying is not an option.

Our family has hit a rather dark and difficult place, as a result things have changed here dramatically. It will work itself out and I am doing everything I should. That does not make it easy though.

This past year I was deeply hurt by a few very judgemental people that I trusted. It has left a rather bitter taste in my mouth and as a result I have shied away from writing here. Words can be twisted, and my heart just can't take that right now.

So forgive me if I am not giving details, or posting here often.

Sam is now 13 and an amazing young man. He is currently back in public school and doing better than anticipated.  He recently cut his hair. He is well over my height (not difficult) and strong as an ox.

 So that's the update for now

Friday, February 16, 2018


re·sil·ience- the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

I have heard it time and time again. I am strong, resilient, unshakable. Yeah, but no. Not this time.

I feel as though I am drowning in a giant sea of cold, wet, sticky, mashed potatoes.

I don't know if I can recover from the mess in my world right now. It has forever changed everything about how I think. How I parent.

Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions. Knowing you don't have a choice doesn't make it easier either.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Sometimes, It's just hard.

Photo by K. Ellington
When you have a child with mental health issues as well as autism things get pretty murky. The world around them isn't set up to deal with it. The medical profession lacks knowledge and sensible options. Getting treatment for a child like Sammy can be near impossible. No one is equipped. No one has answers.

Not even me.

Not even close.

Not even a little bit.

My heart is breaking right now. I won't go into too much detail since I have discovered that some people in my world twist things until they are unrecognisable. I will say, Sammy is struggling right now, as am I. Our whole family is deeply shaken with uncertainty, doubt, fear,and sadness.

Worst of all there is nothing I can do to fix it.
I am powerless.
except for prayer.

So right now, it's just hard.
It's like climbing a mountain, wearing a swimsuit, in February, without shoes.
But I will keep climbing because Sammy is already up the mountain and he needs Hero Support.

so while I still don't want to deal with this. I will. I will fight the good fight and rest on my Lord. Because, sometimes it's hard...

But that doesn't mean impossible

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Everything is ...Fine

It's been months, weeks, days, whatever since I wrote here last.  I can't remember.  You see I've been in a giant black hole for months. It was surrounding every fiber of my being.

I spent days thinking about how I could kill myself in ways that my children wouldn't find me and be broken by it. I wrote and rewrote suicide notes to my children. Telling them over and over that it wasn't their fault. Telling them that I loved them. How could I say I loved them? How could I give up and say I loved them?

So I kept going.

Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. for them at least. It was unbearable some days as I forced myself to get out of bed and teach them.

One day, at my lowest point I was sitting and really ready to just give up. I had cried all the tears, I had nothing left. I was simply a giant black hole.  My sweet daughter Annabelle wandered into the kitchen and climbed up beside me.  She hugged me and said , " I am your gift, You are my gift. I love you".

This baby. I was horrified when I got pregnant with her. I was maxed out physically, emotionally,financially, and mentally. I just couldn't figure out how I would be able to care for yet another baby.
But as always God knew best and gave me her, because that moment was on the horizon. She saved me.

It prompted me to increase my medication, and I am on a much better path right now.

But that isn't why I am writing. I have been thinking about how mental health is treated in this society. People don't know what to say, or how to act when they find out you have depression. Some think they can just tell you to "snap out of it" others will say " well, it could be worse"
I assure you, we know.
we know it could be worse
we know we should be happy
we want to snap out of it
we know we have so much to be grateful for
we know we are loved
we know people need us
we know our children,families, friends,siblings, aunts, cousins... love us
we know we have so much to live for

but none of that matters.
none of it
Because the darkness is stronger than that. It swallows us whole.
We begin to believe that we are being kind to those we love by alleviating the burden created by our depression.

Depression, deep dark scary depression, is exhausting. waking up every day, getting out of bed, and even eating, takes everything we have.

sometimes that is just too much to handle .
So if you love someone with depression, just love them. be there. remind them  they are safe.  Love them. It's ok to be there with them and be silent.
You can't fix it for them. You can't make it go away. We cannot just snap out of it. Just because we seem "fine" doesn't mean we are.