Monday, July 28, 2008

yummy lunch.

got the idea from Dr. Sears and another mom on Mothering message boards and I am so excited

muffin tins filled with yummy snacky food goodness. Oh I am so excited. my kids are eating and my clean up is minimal

fresh mozzarella
cuke slices that look like donuts
almond butter
flax seed pita bread
SCD crackers
sliced American cheese

Friday, July 25, 2008

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

weird dream

go to church at st Joe's see Gretchen from the old life teen (would never go to st Joe's, some things there are better left alone) Nate is a baby and starts crying. i leave the church and go into the flea market connected to the church. I'm walking with him and just kissing him.
church lets out and Dan and the kids join me. I see her. I ignore her because really what else CAN i do?
I am now at some grey haired lady's house. with cats and ferrets. I take pictures of the door/.window , the boys, obscure yellow thing covered with grass and a video of Nate being carried by Dan. the photos are set to rocky theme song. sometime later in my dream Sharon explains that is because she has adhd. we are in the yard and Sammy isn't there and the boys are with friends somehow i get separated and the alarm goes off she shuts the door on me (grey haired lady) and this big thing blows up that looks like a garment bag. i cover my ears and worry the zipper will dislodge and kill me.
suddenly I'm at work. i don't wake up in time to feed the babies and both parents are up. cant find the milk or the fridge for that matter. the fridge pissed momma off so she beat the piss out of it . dad wants to test my boundaries and starts pushing me around in a silky open robe and i kick him in the nuts. feed the babies and lie about when (I WOULD NEVER EVER DO THIS)
riding home with Sharon to her stainless steel house with palm trees brushed on it. we pass rocking chairs, she says she ffound a gold one 25% off. i let her out and my car is kidnapped i call to Sharon and she thinks i am being silly until i scream HELP then i wake up

ill spell check tomorrow

Thursday, July 17, 2008

out of step

Not sure what is going on right now with Sammy. He is back to the old and difficult Sammy from days gone by. in 4 days I have restrained him 15 times. Not as bad as it had been, but not as good as it has been either. i am loosing touch with him again and it hurts more now then when I didn't know it was happening. I can't possibly explain what it is like to be beat on by an angry 4 year old (OK so he isn't four until next month)who is as strong physically as a ten year old and has the understanding of a 22 month old. How do i win that battle? I don't is the answer.

I wont go said SAM I am!!

will you go with your shoes?

will you go with something new?

could you... would you...

just this once?

get in the car,Sam please don't punch!

He will not go with his shoes

He will not budge for something new.

He could not would not

nope not this once.

Get in the car and not try to punch

he will not go that angry man

He does not like to

He's SAM I am.

How can I put into words what i feel inside when i see my baby struggle so hard. it isn't even the big things that frustrate most kids. It's little things. The kicking and the punching just because he didn't hug me before we went through the door.

I love that little man with every . single. fiber. of . my . being

I see him playing with his lint babies and I just cry.

I want to fix him. I want to make it easy.

I know he can say he loves me

but I want him to feel it. Right now it's all just words and sound. how much meaning it has for him I probably wont ever know.I hope he feels me, the way I feel him, in his far away smiles and the stim of the moment. I feel him, within the walls of my heart. jumping over each beat in a perfectly choreographed ballet that only him and I can dance to. a song only he can hear. it makes my heart dance that much harder to keep up. I am forever out of step, out of touch and behind. I can't hear the music we are dancing too, i can only stumble through and hope and pray (oh how I pray!) that it will be enough and just a little more.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

It's a beautiful day

just for pure cute factor

Daniel, the two younger Chagnon children and I went to the Rochester Farmer's Market.
What fun that was.

we got some pea greens and a book 4 gimp bracelets and an adorable taggie lovie for Nate from BeeHandmade. I wanted to get a yummy brownie from artisan kitchen , however some of the items had pecans. I couldn't take the chance of cross contamination. I have to be alive for my kids. I ended up going over to the bakery/convenience store and buying some cookies.

I am off to summer fest tonight for a bit and just trying to decide if I need tickets for one or two days. I know I want to go to the farmers market in fairhaven tomorrow as well. there were some really yummy things there too