Thursday, July 17, 2008

out of step

Not sure what is going on right now with Sammy. He is back to the old and difficult Sammy from days gone by. in 4 days I have restrained him 15 times. Not as bad as it had been, but not as good as it has been either. i am loosing touch with him again and it hurts more now then when I didn't know it was happening. I can't possibly explain what it is like to be beat on by an angry 4 year old (OK so he isn't four until next month)who is as strong physically as a ten year old and has the understanding of a 22 month old. How do i win that battle? I don't is the answer.

I wont go said SAM I am!!

will you go with your shoes?

will you go with something new?

could you... would you...

just this once?

get in the car,Sam please don't punch!

He will not go with his shoes

He will not budge for something new.

He could not would not

nope not this once.

Get in the car and not try to punch

he will not go that angry man

He does not like to

He's SAM I am.

How can I put into words what i feel inside when i see my baby struggle so hard. it isn't even the big things that frustrate most kids. It's little things. The kicking and the punching just because he didn't hug me before we went through the door.

I love that little man with every . single. fiber. of . my . being

I see him playing with his lint babies and I just cry.

I want to fix him. I want to make it easy.

I know he can say he loves me

but I want him to feel it. Right now it's all just words and sound. how much meaning it has for him I probably wont ever know.I hope he feels me, the way I feel him, in his far away smiles and the stim of the moment. I feel him, within the walls of my heart. jumping over each beat in a perfectly choreographed ballet that only him and I can dance to. a song only he can hear. it makes my heart dance that much harder to keep up. I am forever out of step, out of touch and behind. I can't hear the music we are dancing too, i can only stumble through and hope and pray (oh how I pray!) that it will be enough and just a little more.

1 comment:

  1. Ohmygoodness...your writing is so beautiful. Whenever you post about Sam you leave me with tears in my eyes. Your family is very brave, and you are such a strong mamma. I'll be reading...


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