Breath in

Sam had a tough early week this week. At one point he launched something large and heavy across the room. He had plans that night to meet up with his coach from last year. I wanted so badly to pull the pin and not let him go. I wanted to ground him for eternity. I wanted to cry and scream and yell and stamp my feet much like a child would do.
Breath In.

Breath Out.

 the thoughts running through my head were making the room spin.

"it's because you are a bad mother. You caused his autism and now look at this. If you don't get this under control now he will be a lost cause when he is older. It's all your fault."

That loop plays over and over in my head at least once a day. It's so painful because somewhere inside I am still not passed that second sentence. Getting there, just not yet.

Breath In

Breath Out.

Gentle-

It isn't the end of the world. No one got hurt.
Breath In

What is it that he NEEDS right now?

Gentle -

He must be really anxious.
Breath Out

THAT'S IT

he was anxious because he was going to see coach. I took a few more deep breaths and went upstairs. We talked about why he was so upset and what was wrong with his reaction. He hugged me(without prompting) and apologized.

He went down and  made  tried to make my coffee.

He went to visit with Coach and he had a great time.

Some days I just need to Breath in and remember

Gentle.

Transformation

This blog has always been about Sammy and life with Autism in the house. But so much has changed. I just don't see it the way I did before. Yes, Sam still has autism but it doesn't consume us. it completes who he is in a unique and special way.

So on that note - things will be changing at YLMBreadless.

Some big changes. Some little changes.

It's the new year and I picked a word to focus on this year.

gentle

 I try to be gentle with the people around me.I often fail with the ones I love the most. I explode all over everyone sometimes. Seeing it afterwards makes me feel terrible. 

But where does it start?

It starts here

right here.
If I spoke to my friends the way I speak to myself I wouldn't have any friends.

from looking in the mirror and finding every flaw to mentally flogging myself over every little mistake. I find every imperfection and dwell on it. I tell myself that if I were a better mother / wife / friend /housekeeper these things wouldn't happen.
the fingerprints on the stove would be cleaned already.
my kids would listen better

my house would be picked up

there wouldn't be laundry on my landing

I call myself names and I find every single flaw, wrinkle, and imperfection.

It creates a level of constant frustration and unhappiness. It makes me want to hide from the world. It steals all of my joy. It destroys my relationships and my heart.

So starting right now. I will be more gentle with me so I can be more gentle with others.