Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Depression - Suicide - and the lies that your brain whispers

Let me start by saying -
I am safe.
I am in no danger.
I am in treatment.
I am on meds.
I am trusting in God.
I am safe.

I am not posting this for advice. Honestly, I just have to get this out so I can move forward.

Suicide - the check mate of the battle with depression. It's final. It's brutal. People are left in the wake of it, shattered, and drowning themselves.

Thet begin to ask why. How didn't they know they were loved? Why didn't they tell me? How didn't I know?

There is this fine line of deception that happens in the heads of someone that is depressed. Our brain plays tricks on us.

We begin to believe that no one wants to hear it, no matter how many times other's reach out.We begin to believe we are a burden to our friends . That they don't want to know, because it's always us.
Your brain begins to tell you that you are a burden on everyone around you.
You believe it.
You feel isolated.
You fall deeper into the void of your own mind.

You convince yourself that you aren't worth it, you aren't loved, you aren't able to take one more breath.

Because your brain whispers to you. It tells you that you are a burden to your parents, your children, your husband, your friends, your church. You begin to see that everyone would be better off without you.

And you move forward with the belief that the world will be brighter without you. That no one is going to miss you.

The truth is...
The sun will still rise and set without you.
The rain will fall, the birds will sing, and the flowers will still grow.
The people that love you will never see those things again. Because your light is gone from their day.
Because darkness swallows everything whole. It's the largest monster you will ever face down.
I am facing it now, and I am terrified.
 But I refuse to let it take those I love too.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

24 hours and counting

In 24 hours I will be in plane. I hate to fly. Just thought makes my heart beat extra fast and my mouth get dry. I am so afraid. Flying for me is like standing in front of a firing squad. It triggers my anxiety in ways I can't even place into words. But in 24 hours I will be on a plane.

You see my boy has been at BMT ( basic military training) for 7.5 weeks now. The young man I would sit with on the couch and talk to about his day, the boy I hugged every day, the boy who made me laugh and scream ( sometimes at the same time) is graduating from the air force training program.

The boy who took over 2 years to walk. MY LITTLE boy is now a man and a member of our armed services. He left me scared, and uncertain and I know I will see a confident man.

As scared as I am I will do anything for my children.
and now one of my children is doing anything for his country.

my heart broke the day he left. You see it had to. That was the only way that it could ever have grown enough to encompass all the emotions I have running around in there now.

I am so proud of him. I could just burst. He is part of the 1% of the population that chooses to support our country. I am proud of the man he is and how hard he has worked. He wanted this and he went for it.
I am fearful. I am so afraid I will be handed a flag sitting by a graveside. My heart fears this like no other fear I have ever felt. I know I have no control. I know that I cannot change God's Will. I KNOW THIS. But this fear is always in the back of my mind.
I am uncertain. I do not know what his future holds. Not that I ever really did mind you. He could be stationed anywhere in the world. I can't call his CO and complain they sent my boy too far away.

But this is what he wants.
In 48 hours he will be a real AIRMAN!
In 48 hours I will hug him.

How did my itty bitty baby get here so fast?