Wonder Hubby Strikes Again

My darling husband has been caring for me for the last 2 weeks since Evie was born.He has been doing laundry, cleaning house, taking care of children, cooking meals and waiting on me.Not once has he given me a hard time about it. He just manages to get it done. I hope he knows how grateful I am that he works so hard to make me happy.

15 minutes before Squish joined us Earth side

He held my hand and rubbed my back during labor with all our babies. He holds my hand for no reason. He kisses my forehead because he knows it calms me. He loves me without complaint. I could learn a lot from him about love and service.

I tend to complain, cry, pout and sometimes I even sulk. He doesn't. He just takes care of me gladly.

I'm pretty blessed.

  

Fear, Focus, and Moving Forward.

Yesterday was hard. Not in the "I can't do this  because I might die" sort of hard, but the "remain in the moment and be OK" kind of hard. Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembered day is never easy and it brings the flood of emotions I am never really prepared to handle. Adding into that a few of my dear friends have just lost babies as well, and I am pregnant now so I was a wreck yesterday. Sammy had a rough day, Nate had a rough day and baby was like velcro on a wool sock. My guess is that they felt my stress and emotions.

Sammy also had his bake sale yesterday for kids with cancer. he sold out in just 2 hours and made 36$. I have never seen that boy glow like he did yesterday. He went over to people at the football game to tell them about his fundraiser. Daddy went and helped him get the right words but he did it himself.

So we have been trying to figure out where to send the money and I think we have it figured out. Just a little more checking into things first.

I ended my day with a candle burning for Emma, for my friends, and family. I ended the day with dry eyes and full arms. I ended my day blessed beyond belief , peaceful but sad because I know my sweet girl would have fit in this family perfectly and I will miss her forever. I ended my day cuddled between my three youngest kids with Squish dancing inside my belly and all I could think was "how blessed I am to know, that even the end is not really the end. That what lies beyond me is more powerful than anything I could wrap my head around. I am blessed with all I have. I am surrounded by light and love."

I am going to let that be my focus as I move forward.

Broken

You can see it bubble up  across his body. It only takes a few seconds before the entire thing takes over my soft sweet boy. His little (or no so little anymore) fists clench tight, his calf muscles twitch and he grind his teeth together, all of this happens in seconds. I mean it, just seconds, before whatever is near him goes flying across the room, onto the floor, into the wall or at me. I have been hit by shoes, chairs, and most recently a notebook.

The good thing is I have been doing this long enough that I can usually keep everything safe. The bad news is, even though I try I often cannot keep everyone and everything safe. Either because he is being watched by someone, or because I am not paying enough attention, or sometimes I am just not fast enough. I miss the warning signs one out of every 50 shots or so. Not great odds I guess.

We lost the battle this week when the only real laptop in the house became a casualty. The screen was shattered. I was gone for less than an hour at one of the older children's open house. Less then an hour.

I am so frustrated because he KNOWS better, but he just can't help it. I am frustrated because I KNOW he can't help it but I still get so angry. Sometimes I am so mad I feel like I am going to explode. That won't help anyone. It won't even make me feel better. Then of course I feel guilty for being angry, I have to remind myself that he isn't like everyone else. Isn't that why I get so angry at other people?

Terribly humbling

The Finish Line

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill

Fifteen percent concentrated power of will

Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain

And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

(fort minor-Remember The Name

Sunday morning was fantastically perfect for a half marathon. I had packed the car the night before with a change of clothes for each child and snacks for them in the morning. I had everything set and ready to roll with at 5:30am when we had to leave. The Team Up! with Autism Speaks Boston 13.1 Half Marathon started at 7 am and the group photo was at 6:40.

I still ended up late after getting turned around and then missing the exit. I got to the race just after 7 am in tears and panicking. I had to pee and that only put me farther behind. 

+When I signed up for this race I had planned on running it and I had not planned on being pregnant.

This race was never about me though, it has always been about supporting Sammy. When I explained to Sammy that I was doing this for autism awareness he asked " So people know kids with awwwtizzm (he always says that word with a weird inflection) aren't just stupid?" Sammy's insight has always astounded me. This whole morning was about him and supporting him and yes, trying not to cry.

 I got there late and I had to hustle to catch up. My oldest boy came with me so I wasn't alone, he is a spectrum kid as well. Sometimes I forget that because he does so well. I had only two goals 

1. finish

2. not make an ass out of myself.

I did the first, not sure about the second. I am often as socially inept as Sammy. I don't like to be around people, I don't read social cues well. I always wonder if people are just humoring me when they  are nice to me.

I caught up about mile marker 3 or so and somewhere around MM4 This Awesome Lady here passed me. I was fine until about MM8 or so then I began to fall apart and my hips began hurting. My legs were almost numb and my hips burned. Then "Remember the Name" came through the i-pod. I saw This blue haired guy running the other way and he waved and it made me feel better... a little. I powered through anyway and just kept going.

It was so amazing to me that every person that had a team up jersey on cheered me on. I gave a thumbs up to every person I saw with one too. I met an amazing momma who ran in a tu-tu and cape, a woman who had a double hip replacement (who finished before I did BTW), another friend Paula, that I met through twitter ran by me. She check on me, made sure I was OK, and offered support.

My beautiful boy Tyler encouraged me and pushed me and made me laugh every time I thought about quitting. He even rubbed my shoulders. I sat down at one point near MM11 and thought about waiting for the sweeper van, but all I could think was SWEEPER NO SWEEPING (thanks Jess). Someone walked by made sure I had water, asked if I was ok and encouraged me. As I came up to end of the course, two other women were walking the other way and gave me hope that I was almost there in the form of an OREO COOKIE. you have no idea how good that freaking Oreo was~!

My family met me just outside the finish line and I crossed it, in tears, at over 3hrs and 35 minutes. 

Why was I crying?

No, it wasn't the amount of pain my body was in. It wasn't hunger, pride, pain or exhaustion, or anything of the sort.

 It was the distinct realization that I was done, I had crossed the finish line...and that Sammy doesn't have a finish line. There is no end of the race for him, every day he gets up he is in it. He doesn't get to just be done. I didn't quit because he can't quit. I didn't stop because he never does, but I crossed the finish line and that is something he will never really do. I was done, and tomorrow Sammy will still wake up and be autistic. He will struggle to get dressed and brush his teeth. He will still loose it every night when it is time for homework. 

I may have finished the race, but my work is not done. For that reason I will be doing this again... after the baby of course. 

not just chub 16.5 weeks pregnant with baby number 6