Broken

You can see it bubble up  across his body. It only takes a few seconds before the entire thing takes over my soft sweet boy. His little (or no so little anymore) fists clench tight, his calf muscles twitch and he grind his teeth together, all of this happens in seconds. I mean it, just seconds, before whatever is near him goes flying across the room, onto the floor, into the wall or at me. I have been hit by shoes, chairs, and most recently a notebook.

The good thing is I have been doing this long enough that I can usually keep everything safe. The bad news is, even though I try I often cannot keep everyone and everything safe. Either because he is being watched by someone, or because I am not paying enough attention, or sometimes I am just not fast enough. I miss the warning signs one out of every 50 shots or so. Not great odds I guess.

We lost the battle this week when the only real laptop in the house became a casualty. The screen was shattered. I was gone for less than an hour at one of the older children's open house. Less then an hour.

I am so frustrated because he KNOWS better, but he just can't help it. I am frustrated because I KNOW he can't help it but I still get so angry. Sometimes I am so mad I feel like I am going to explode. That won't help anyone. It won't even make me feel better. Then of course I feel guilty for being angry, I have to remind myself that he isn't like everyone else. Isn't that why I get so angry at other people?

Terribly humbling