Monday, June 16, 2014

What's Missing?

Today was Father's Day and we celebrated with a breakfast out.

 First we made cards while Daddy got a little extra sleep, but of course Miss Gracie wanted to be with Daddy. While I retrieved her Evangeline got into the yellow paint. It's was everywhere.

Then we went for a walk and had a lovely breakfast together. If you are at Margret's in Fairhaven try the Honey Custard French Toast. Super Yummy.

Then a cook out and cake and fun.

Then we went to church.

The entire time I felt like something was missing.

I am happy with my family and my life, though the stress right now often takes my breath away.

It occurred to me tonight as I sat there folding laundry.

I missed Vavoo.
I would give my arm to sit with him and hear his stories about the war. I miss him so much. He was the one person that always treated me like I could do no wrong. He loved me despite the angry , awful, depressed teen I was. He loved me. period. My brothers, my cousin, all of us. he loved us.
I miss him.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Swirling Sea

It's been a long time since I have had time to write. Things have been so busy here and I just haven't made time for this.

I have 4 birthday posts to complete, a week of having the Holy Ghost to write about, the decision to bring Sam home and home school next year needs to be explained, and now this.

Something ridiculous happened this past week.
Grace got out of the yard. Naked. In two minutes life changed fast. She is fine and unscathed, I however, cannot say the same.

Grace asked to watch TV. I reminded her that if the sun is up the TV is off. She was angry and I had to pee. I went into the bathroom. AJ was in the basement getting laundry, not folding it, just retrieving it. I walk out of the bathroom and hear Grace screeching, Nate yelling at Grace to get in the house, and some strange person's voice.  It seems that in the amount of time it took me to pee. Nate and Sam went out and left the door to the house open. Grace spotted the opportunity and ran out the door. Of course she first stripped naked!
She would likely have gone in the yard but she saw a cat, so she opened the gate and went one house down the street to pet it.

At which point someone woman came up and tried to pick her up . Nate turned hearing Grace screech and ran over to get her. Grace ran home and I came out. At which point this woman began yelling and swearing and flipping out. She called the police, the police called DCYF. After everything that happened to the little boy in DCYF care last year the system is on high alert. So just to be safe they are coming out on Monday.

I get it.
I can't be mad at the boys. It happens.
I can't be mad at Grace. She is only 3 and does not understand the yucky stuff in the world. She is an incredibly capable young lady and she doesn't always understand her limits.
I can't be mad at the woman. Though it shows 0 discernment on her part my guess is that she has some sort of trauma. So I told my boys we need to pray for her.
I can't be mad at the officer. He was clearly stuck between a rock and a hard place. He was fair and calm.
I can't be mad at DCYF they need to cover their... bases. I get it.
I can't be mad at myself because I had I am allowed to go pee.

Anger isn't really constructive anyway. So Instead I acted  I put a padlock on the fence and alarms on the doors. My poor neighbors must hate me! but it's working. the boys are remembering to shut the door more often and if they don't Grace can't get out!

I am beating myself up over this. The internal turmoil this has caused is really hard for me. I have been in constant panic mode since Monday night. I can barely sleep and when I do the anxiety dreams wake me up. So many past hurts have been brought to light with this. I think this may be the wrecking ball my friend Michelle talks about. Either you deal with it, or God makes you deal with it.

So I am praying through it all and giving it to Mary.