Tuesday, April 15, 2014

For Direction

Daniel and I have some major choices that we are trying to make. We are praying for discernment and fasting for answers. Not because we feel that it has to be done this way but because we believe God has put this on our hearts for holy week.

Easter is coming. The bright light at the end of Lent and I CANNOT WAIT.

I gave up any and all alcohol during holy week. Last night was a tough night. The kids were crazy. The floors that I vacuumed and mopped were covered in dirt from teens that didn't wipe their feet after digging out a project for me. I am behind in laundry. I am stressed about money. I am stressed about Dan's work.

I prayed furiously for direction last night. I felt as though I was spinning out of control and ready to crash. Too many plates spinning at once inside my head that they would all inevitably crash.

I woke to these lyrics today from Mandisa

"So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There's nothing He can't do
He's telling you

(Take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises)
You're an overcomer"

and this



ok God. Thanks.


Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Moving Away

For as long as I can remember in my adult life I have wanted to get out of Massachusetts. South Carolina, Georgia, and Virginia have called my name for decades and I just feel so at home when I get there.

A big part of the need to move is my inability to handle the winters here. The cold makes my body hurt and my fingers and toes burn from October to June. I am anxious about snow and watching my husband drive to work in 6+ inches of snow. It's pretty, on a Saturday, when we are all home with no where to go. Otherwise. No, Just No!

The kids may miss it though. they love making snowmen and sledding. But poor Nate always ends up with hurting fingers. Sam refuses to wear anything remotely warm on his feet or body. I have to hide his shorts because he would wear them in the snow. Grace is always naked, even when it's cold. I can't keep shoes on her! Then of course there is the coats and car seat issue. such stress! then winter hats at the kids school that could spread lice. Months of bitter cold with chapped lips... just ewwww

Daniel and I have been praying about what to do. I have some family here and it is hard leaving them. There are a few things that make me worried about leaving the one place I have always lived. I can feel God tying up the ends I need to feel peaceful about moving. I can almost see it happening, as though I am watching a chess game of my life. I have no idea what the end result will be but I am starting to get some real peace about moving.

 We are going to florida in June and we are hoping to get a jump on moving then.

Prayers and Positive thoughts welcome

Monday, March 17, 2014

The Rice Experiment




We did this at home
we did some things differently however.
we used the same size glass mason jars.We sterilized each one as well as their lids and collars.
I boiled the rice and placed the same amount in each jar. We covered it until it cooled and then placed the lids and collars on.

the first 2 weeks there was no mold at all. I was wondering if maybe the original experiment had worked simply because of contamination. Admittedly, we were not very good about saying things to the jars.
We got better about paying attention and speaking to the jars.
A small spot of mold developed on the I hate you jar directly in the middle.
Then some sad / negative issues came about.
suddenly We noticed both the I love you jar as well as the I hate you jar began to show signs of some mold.

4 weeks later.





The I hate you jar was covered in thick green and black mold.
The I love you jar never molded more than that small amount.
The ignore jar was not moldy but had become dried up and shrunken.


Saturday, March 15, 2014

Trying Something New for Nate

Most of you know that Nate is homeschooled and doing well. He is solidly into the first grade work and loving it. Sam will come home at some point. I am just not ready yet.
I struggle with finding new and interesting ways to teach lessons. making sure we dont miss anything makes me feel a little worried sometimes too. 
So this next month I am reviewing something new . Time4Learning.

I've been invited to try Time4Learning for one month in exchange for a candid review. My opinion will be entirely my own, so be sure to come back and read about my experience. Time4Learning can be used as a homeschool curriculum, for afterschool enrichment and for summer skill sharpening. Find out how to write your own curriculum review for Time4Learning.I am going to have both Sam and Nate use it. 

Goodbye Too Soon.

A friend very dear to me has suffered a terrible loss. A life Gone too soon. I see people saying that they don't understand how things like this happen. How can one person feel so hopeless.

I understand too well exactly how someone gives up all hope.



22 years seems like long ago and far away.
I was 14.
I was lonely. I felt like I had no friends.
I was emotionally unstable.
I was self abusive
I was anxious all the time.
I was angry all the time.
I was sad all the time.
I would cry for no reason. Sobbing.
 A friend of mine took his life over a girl. I still remember my friend Kevin telling me in the band room. I was sitting on the left hand side of the stage. He was behind me when I asked him what was wrong. He told me.

I don't remember the rest of the day.
It was as though my brain shut off and I just couldn't function. That kind of emotional disconnect can be scary for a teenager. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I was isolated and scared and numb.

It started to make sense to me. I was drowning in a giant sea of despair.

Now I know those were all warning signs but back then I had no idea that I was in the process of a breakdown.
That weekend I took a bunch of pills.
I distinctly remember the clock in the car on the way to the hospital. 5:55pm.
I remember thinking make a wish.

"Dear God, please, please just let me die"

The next thing I remember was an incompassionate doctor shoving a tube down my throat to pump my stomach. I remember talking to the woman from the mental health ward as I threw up the charcoal they were pushing into my belly. I remember her asking me if I heard voices. I remember wanting to punch her.

22 years seems like a long time.

Years later. I drove my car into the water at Jone's Beach.
Again I had lost my focus. I was getting divorced. I was loosing everything. I had no job. I had no money. I had no pride. I had just lost Emma. I was broken. I was raw. I was tired of fighting th demons that chased me all hours of the day and night. I felt unlovable. I felt lost. I felt unworthy of the air around me. I was saved by an Angel.
I was 24. That was 12 years ago.

In those 22 years I have given life to 6 amazing children.
I have married the man of my dreams.
I don't know that those 22 years have had much more impact than that on anyone but me.
But, these days I know that nothing is so hopeless that it cannot be fixed. Nothing is forever. Nothing is lost forever. It may feel dark and cold where you are. It won't always be that way.
These days I have FAITH and TRUST in His Grace and His Glory.




I make this promise to those of you reading this. I am here. If you ever feel as though you don't matter. If you ever feel like there is no way out. I am here. Talk to me. I promise I will be there.
Because I do understand.
I have been there.






Friday, March 7, 2014

Friday in Lent

Fridays seem to bring extra practice for patience during Lent. It never fails that on Fridays during Lent I find my job as a mother overwhelming. I remember last year speaking to a friend about how crazy I was feeling one day.  She clued me in to the work God does in us during this time. It's especially easy for him to come into our hearts when we are open. When we are sacrificing for him during lent we are practicing obedience and hopefully growing closer to Him.

Lent opens us up for lots of soul work.

It's no mystery I have been working on not yelling this year. I do mostly ok for a few weeks at a time. Then something breaks or spills and I loose my crap. I beat myself up a lot on the inside over my perceived failings. I have some crazy baggage from years ago that I still haven't worked through entirely. So when something spills or breaks I feel so out of control over it that I flip out.
I am slow. But I am learning my triggers.

Today alone has been one mess after the other.
spilled coffee
discovering so sugar
discovering no cream
spilled flour
spilled dirt
broken glass
missing sponge (dang cat)
laundry
extra laundry
potty misses
sugar messes
marker messes

all before noon.
Instead of loosing it I stayed calm. I even managed to snap a picture!
covered in powdered sugar

But I am trying.
How is your Lent going?

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Day 2 - Lent

Yesterday was a day so full of anxiety I could barely breath. It had me questioning my ability to be a parent, a wife, and even a person without inflicting damage. I had planned on going to church in the morning but I woke up with a yucky headache. Tyler helped out and let me rest while the motrin kicked in.

Then I had planned on going at night but Gracie was just off and it was late. So I never made it to get ashes. I beat myself up over that for a long time. The bigs went, thanks to Tyler's girlfriend giving them a ride. So there was that.

Lent seems to be a time of serious anxiety and stress for me. My hero friend Michelle at Normal Chaos calls them involuntary penances. Every year they seem to become more and more obvious. Last year was a doozy with having Evangeline and suffering through Postpartum Hemorrhaging. I basically had no other choice but to sit still and heal.

Today was day 2 of lent and I find myself in a mostly calm space. It's nice for a change. I even got some coffee this morning while it was still hot!

Grace has been off today and Evie has been ultra clingy. Then Grace woke from her nap and was itchy. I assumed it was her eczema but when I really looked I discovered she was covered in HIVES! 



Sam has an anaphylactic allergy to pistachios. I have an  anaphylactic reaction to pecans. I began to panic with no benadryl in the house ANYWHERE. I went and picked some up and she seems just fine now. I just have no idea what caused the hives.

this next week looks like a doozy for me. 

How is your Lent going so far?















Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Kisses and Blessings

My sweet girl has turned one.


525,600 minutes.. one year. How fast it Flies

How do you measure a year?

For us this week  we are celebrating 525,600 minutes of pure love and amazing blessings. The truth of every second  is nothing more than love.

From moments of doubt and uncertainty. Was I really even in labor? Shouldn't this be more painful?



To a screaming, squalling, cuddly little ball of pure love!


She settled into our lives as though she had always been there and was exactly what was missing.




When the nights and days ran into each other and I just prayed to live through them.
When the sun began to shine and the smiles came. The blessings knocked on my door.
Despite the sleepless nights and the long days full of worry. The awe and wonder of it all broke through every ounce of fear.
And She Smiled. Not just at me but into me. Her being presenting itself in a way no other child before had. Her presence was unmistakable
She would cuddle close and hold on tight as though her life depended solely on being in my arms. I reveled in the wonder of the child that surprised me.
And yet each day the wonder and awe grew. It bloomed like flowers in the spring after heavy rains.
She would not quit. She held the world in her hands and studied each moment as though it was the only one.
Laughter and sunshine despite many grey and bleak days.  She surrounded me in stars and moon glow.
She smooshed into me as though she were part of my body still. Cuddled deep into my heart and soul.
Watching through her eyes as the lights sparkled on the tree, sensing the wonder of all the world around me. I counted my blessings as she slept peacefully in my arms.
At almost a year I began to wonder how the year sped by. 
Now she is one. Self confident and aware. She knows what she wants. Her smile lights up my day and her tears tear at my heart. She does also still hate her carseat. Yet, I am amazed every day with how much I love the tiny, powerful, unexpected miracle that God has blessed me with.
I am blessed beyond belief to have such a wonderful little girl in my arms.
I can simply hope that my love is enough and that His Grace keeps it that way.