This is Hard

This is hard. Parenting a child with a disability is hard. there is no real way around that. It's hard, and sometimes, it sucks. No sugar coating it.

Like when you are at church with your 8 year old in the crying room because he just can't contain himself.
When that same 8 year old tells you he hates you and says mean things because he is just a mess over not finding his favorite shoes that morning. When the entire day is a  never ending series of blow ups, explosions, walking on eggshells, and teetering on the edge because of those damn shoes. When you begin to feel like maybe, just maybe, God made a mistake giving this child to you because , seriously, You are not equipped         in any way for this. When you find the shoe in the most ridiculous place and for a second fantasize about beating the teen that put it there, with the shoe. When you loose your cool, and scream and cry as though you have truly lost your mind... Those days suck. Those days are hard.There is so much else going on and so many other kids that need your attention too.When you haven't taken a family vacation in years because money is so tight.  The stress of taking your son somewhere unfamiliar is just too much. Because , after all this time you STILL worry what people think.

It's hard. No doubt about it.

but THIS ( possible trigger warning) and THIS (possible trigger warning)
makes my heart hurt in ways I can't possibly explain.

Because as much as it sucks he s still my boy. I still love him with an incredible fierceness. Despite the days I just don't wanna... I do
Because tomorrow the sun comes up. It isn't the end of the world
No matter how bad it seems

Because, once, at 14 I really thought there was no way out but a bunch of pills. Because clinical depression CAN happen and does happen even at 14. Even when people around you don't get it and think you should be happy. Maybe someday I will tell that story.



Even if it feels like no one cares... someone, somewhere does.
Even if you think it is bigger than you... it isn't bigger than two
My faith get me through those days now. By the Grace of God I make it through those days into tomorrow

I Love You

Sam has a new stim.
I see him doing it almost all the time. In places that we are quiet (church, stores, and school) he makes it a soft breathy sound. When he is alone or outside he does it and he is loud. It's constant. When he is watching TV or playing video games. he's very good at being discreet around his friends. I worry about what that kind of control might cost him. I worry that he is afraid to be himself and be OK.

I wish my boy had a world that understood him. Where people didn't say things like "see He showed empathy , he can't be autistic" or " he seems fine to me"
I want him to be in a place that people defend him and love him. I am grateful because our team does that for him. The kids in his class don't understand. They tease him for his weird behaviors, foods, and clothes choices. They tease him at lunch for his allergies and get mad that they cannot bring the snacks they want to.
But, Our TEAM stands up for him. The school Nurse goes in and talks to the kids about how serious allergies are to protect Sam and kids like him. His principle cheers him on when he makes the right choice. She returns my calls every time.

it's because of these people  working with Sam every day that I think we hit this next milestone ....


Those of you that read know how hard it is for Sam to say he loves me will understand how awesome this new development is.

He keeps repeating it to me,over and over again.
He sounds like he means it.
He hugs me every time he says it

In light of the chaos here I am amazed. It almost makes up for his new stim of sudden yelling in short bursts...

Grandparent Salute

Grandpa Gary
Every time Tyler had a fundraiser, needed help, wanted to talk, or had questions Grandpa has been there. 

This is my mom. My dad was working and couldn't make it. Nanni is always there when Tyler needs her. Whether it's for a ride, a phone, fundraisers, or just support , she has been there for him. Even rushing to our house to take care of the other littles when Tyler got hurt .

The best grandparents  that didn't need to be. They didn't need to love Tyler. They didn't NEED to treat him the same. They did it anyway. Never once has Tyler felt slighted by Memere and Pepere. They have been there for Tyler all the way from Florida! Birthday cards, get well cards, love, support and understanding. No wonder their son is so great!

Gran Gran has made such an effort lately and we are blessed by it. The support he offered Tyler when he went for surgery was a welcome comfort. 

To all of Tyler's grandparents. You are loved by Tyler. Thank you for your unconditional, unwavering love of  this amazing young man. He wouldn't be the well adjusted , well rounded young man without everything you have done to show him your unconditional, unwavering, no strings attached Love. So thank you for all you do.

GRADUATION PICTURES

I promise at some point I will stop with all this. Soon. Just not yet.

And so it begins...

Tyler and Emily

Some of the family

How Grace passed the time

The principle , Mr. Dempsey

Ready to go

So happy the day is here. He seriously smiled almost the whole time

Listening closely to the names being called. We received a letter telling us there were no alterations allowed to the cap and gown allowed. Tyler braided his tassel to be different

My graduate after receiving his diploma

Two People that gave Tyler all of the professional building blocks he needed and tolerated him leaving his things behind almost every day

Three generations of Aggie.  

So very proud of my handsome boy

Yes, I am licking his cheek. He thinks it's funny to lick me when I'm not looking. This was my revenge.

His girlfriend, Emily, performing her "Vader move"

How can it be THURSDAY already

How can it already be Thursday. How did my week fly by this way? Tonight is Tyler's graduation and this week has gone by much like the past 18 years. I can't believe its here. Every time I think about it I get a little more choked up. They aren't sad tears really. They are super happy tears.

I feel so blessed to have had the last 18 years with my boy. Our relationship is changing and I kind of like it. I am enjoying him more. The pressure is gone. I still take time to impart my "wisdom" on him but it just feels different.

I am enjoying this time right now. Every minute really. I will take what I can get, before you know it he will be in another state. I love him so much! I am so proud of him. He told me all about his goals and dreams for the future.  I have to say MY KID ROCKS!

I have the feeling of fleeting moments flying by, of knowing time is short, and of cherishing the moments we do have. I will take whatever I can get and make it worth it. Because, let's be honest, there never is really enough time.

His party is on Sunday at 1pm. My house. If you know where that is you're welcome to come by. We are planning a cookout and then a fire and manhunt after.


The young lady I use to watch is also graduating this weekend. I can't stand it! She has grown into the kind of young woman I want my girls to be. The right amount of sass and soft, intelligence and silliness, poise and whatever the opposite of that is!

So to all the graduates this weekend
Enjoy it. You only get to graduate high school and be 18 once. Live it up and be safe. Chase your dreams! And on your road of life remember those who have been there for you, those that love you, and those that taught you. Everyone else , shake from your shoes and move on

Hello Monday

Trying something new for a change and going to link up with Lisa Leonard for a Hello Monday

HELLO - to a prom that went off without a hitch and a young man that proves time and time again that he has outstanding character.

HELLO - To a graduation and a party for my handsome amazing son Tyler. to phone calls from his future boss. to teaching him how to budget, grocery shop, and cook all in a few weeks.

HELLO - To rain this morning that will help me get the laundry done (otherwise I might just play hooky) and it also means i don't have to water my garden today either!

HELLO - to nap time. both girls are down at the same time and I am beyond thrilled

HELLO - baby squeals. Evie has started to chatter and make all sorts of delicious noises.

HELLO - to homeschool that works at the right pace for my very distractable young boy.

HELLO - to beach tomorrow with people that think like we do.

HELLO - to hot coffee now that I have a keurig (thanks again TracyB) no more barely hot coffe that has been sitting in the pot forever.


its a week of firsts and lasts and so many in betweens. I find myself emotional in so many different ways. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful family. My kids are all so great.

Today I am THAT mom

I should be doing lesson with Nate right now, instead he is watching Handy Manny. We are working on the letter Q. His birthday party was going to be this weekend, but I didn't plan well. So were going to reschedule. Today I am THAT mom that dropped the ball. I spent the first hour of the day beating myself up over things I need to do/ haven't done/ didn't finish.
Today I am THAT mom that lets her kids eat while watching TV even though it's against household rules. Today I am the one breaking the rules, not that my kids are complaining.

You see I am emotionally overwhelmed right now and in some kind of emotional shutdown.
All I can think is

I DON'T WANNA!!! I want to stamp my feet for good measure then curl up under the covers and make it all go away.

Today is Tyler's last day of school. LAST.DAY.FOREVER
yeah... ouch
My little boy is growing up and I can placate my already raw emotions by saying "well at least he doesn't have his licence yet" but that happens soon. Then

HE LEAVES

I am so proud.

Tonight, again, I will be that mom crying my eyes out  choking back tears at least until I get into the car as he goes off to prom. I am quite certain I will embarrass him, which is likely why he chose his girlfriends parents to give him a ride over his own mother.  Also why he wants to hang at her house after prom.
I am  won't be that mom that all the kids talked about in high school in that hushed whisper  "Did you see so-and-so's mom crying like a loon?!"
Because you see... for the last 18 years my goal was to get him here, without a baby, without stupidity, without drama. Now here it is 18 years later and he has done everything I hoped and more. The last 18 years were amazing, filled with concerts and projects at the last minute. Filled with tears and laughter and everything in between.I showed up every single day, even when I didn't want to. Because that's what a parent does, They show up. they fight the fight and they get it done.

Yeah. I'm still showing up today but in muted colors... Normally I am a bright color kinda mom. Today, I'm a pastel water color mom.
so today I will embrace being THAT mom. We will watch TV and play all day. I don't much care. I won't do laundry, or dishes. they can wait until tonight. Because as soon as I blink, it will be Evie's turn

Must Read

Sam and I have had a deal for a few years now in regards to his library card. The deal was

When you can read , you can have a card.

Guess what!? 

SAM CAN READ

Let that sink in for a minute, he can actually read. He may not be up to grade level yet. He may not even be close. BUT HE CAN READ

And with that the pure joy and pride I feel can't even come close to being measured.

He took out three books in accordance with our family library rule for gradeschoolers

one fun

one learning

and one chapter book for bed time

He chose a book on bats, a lego star wars book, and a mystery novel for bedtime. We sat together reading tonight and when i started to fall asleep, Sam (rather than choose to be done with the book for the night) read to me instead. It was a book clearly well beyond his technical reading ability but he still chose to read it to me. Outloud.

He keeps reminding me that its due back in two weeks, that he can call to renew if he needs more time, and that he can take as many books as he wants to. I hear it 3 or 4 times an hour right now. Clearly, he is as delighted at this new development as I am.