Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Every moment

make no mistakes

 I am not saying that  we should not or cannot complain when we are upset and stressed. I am not saying that we don't all have the right to cry, and be upset at some of the hands given.

But, every single moment in life has a purpose, a value.

With every pregnancy after loosing Emma I would panic from week 14 to week 15. Somewhere in that week is when my sweet girl passed. I would wake in cold sweats, my heart racing inside my chest so hard that I felt my ribs could break at any moment.

I lost my mind when I discovered that Evangeline's due date was a mere 10 days from Emma's. It was too close. I was convinced the pain would find me again. I was panicked and frightened.  I was also clinically depressed , one might think.

Evangeline's birth provided me with closure I hadn't expected , but because God is bigger than my fears, I was able to feel safety again.

Then the healing began. It took the tragic loss of someone else to bring me to a point where I was able to heal and not feel so broken inside my heart.
Seeing that moment in my mind's eye and knowing my sweet girl is safe and waiting healed the deepest places inside of me.

That doesn't mean that I don't miss her, or that I don't think of her all the time. What it means is that it is no longer a chain around my neck.

I cruised through week 14 this time. One dream of my sweet girl. Holding hands on the dock sitting quietly.
The healing continues for sure.

This time, it's different for me.I am grateful for every moment,kick, and heart beat this little baby growing in me has.

So much is the life around us. The person-hood of everyone around us. The unique and irreplaceable soul that God gave all of us.  The sick, the young, the old, the afflicted, the perfect... those dying with terminal illness. they all have a unique place in this world. Every moment of every life. Every single one. Even the ugly moments that hurt.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Sam- the transformation

Those of you that have followed us from the beginning know the struggles I have had with Sam and his behavior in the past. That was my biggest fear when we decided to pull him to home school him.
I saw us fighting to get anything done.

We have been at this since August with Samuel and he is doing great! In Fact, it's been amazing.

In August when we started Sam refused to read anything even close to grade level. He insisted he was a bad reader. He would cry at the mention of reading anything other than books the girls liked. I kept telling him how much the girls liked him reading and how great he was doing. He kept reading. Then I found him picking up other books. Now I find him reading books that surprise me.

after Quiddich 
He almost always gets his work done without and issue. Usually before noon, which is pretty awesome! He often says " I love being home schooled!"

He is struggling through some of his math though. He can't quite get the multiplication. He doesn't seem to know / understand the facts. So as soon as he doesn't get the answer right away he freaks out and cries. he is working on it slowly, but it is clearly difficult for him. I don't think it's because of the math itself but more because he is so afraid to make mistakes!
magic tree house book club

He has blossomed so far this year and I am amazed at how well he is doing.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Fingerprints on the Window

 We all see it. Our own messy places that scream out to us every second of the day that somehow we aren't good enough. Those  fingerprints, peeling paint, wall scribbles, smudges, and drips that we all have if you look hard enough. We don't often notice other peoples drips , spills, and messes though do we? I know I don't.
 My own though, cannot be silenced.

I could list the things I fail at daily. The list would be so long that most would loose interest before getting halfway through.

Why do we , as women, compare ourselves so much to those around us? Those messy spaces we have are not unique to us. Everyone has them... don't they?
I often catch myself in my mind watching families wishing I had just a little more of what they have. The "put together"  or the "well behaved"  scream to me, not they are doing a great job, but that I somehow am failing.

I struggle with this a lot.

I work hard to remember that I too am a child of God, and that he loves me. He called me to serve and be where I am. I am not here by accident but purposefully and by his design. Simply put.
My life, exactly the way it is, is not a mistake. Even my drips, spills, and fingerprints.

So my house isn't magazine clean, and my laundry pile may eat me if I don't get to it tomorrow. I may have a ton of gray hairs, and wrinkles on my forehead. I may be selfish, and angry, and bad at empathy. But...
I have amazing children who did not get that way by accident. Yes, thankfully God makes up the difference between where I am and where he is.  I am not perfect, but I am good enough.

I don't know the eyes in which my children see me, but I do know the eyes through which I see them.
I need to be as kind with myself as I am with everyone else.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Forever and a Day

It has been forever since I have been to this space. I miss pouring my thoughts out here.

So much has been going on in my house.

We are expecting another baby! I have had a tough time adjusting to this both physically and emotionally. It was unexpected and though not unwelcome, a little hard to digest at first.

But I remember being pregnant with Evangeline. I felt like my world was caving in around me. I was heart broken  and miserable. I am sure some of the issue was hormones, but some was just me.

I was fighting against God's plan for me. I was fighting against what people thought about us. I was fighting against finances, and energy, and capability. I was fighting against myself.

At one point I considered adoption for Evangeline. I seriously debated the option of giving her away. No one seemed happy for us (except our church family) I was bombarded daily with people that made rude comments when they saw me out with the children. It weighed on me.

... and then I held her...

Everything changed.

It was one of the hardest times for me in the last few years. I just couldn't see my way out of it.

Evangeline is such a joy to raise. She snuggles close with her face against mine, just to be close to me. She can often be found simply sitting beside me, snuggled close with her thumb in her mouth and her hand on my ear. Unless of course Nathaniel is close by, then she prefers his ears. ( he has ears like velvet, almost like they don't have any cartilage)

So this time. I have some major perspective. I know that no matter how freaked out I am right now. I will never regret having this baby. Because, once I hold him / her in my arms it will all be fine. What people say won't matter. It will be my arms filled with a soft, warm, squishy, and perfect baby.

I am not 16 anymore. I am a married woman doing exactly what God and my Faith ask me to do. He has this under control. I am just along for the ride.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Pretty Spaces

I am in a funk right now. I feel like my entire house is a mess and choking me. I am trying to get our house ready to have a Realtor come look at it. I need solitude. I need beauty. I need... something.

I feel stressed and sad. I feel emotional.
I don't feel like myself.

I have learned, however, that this feeling always shows up before a big change. That I need to slow down and breath my way through it. Sort of like being in labor.
I have been holding a moment this past week or so in my head.
one small itty bitty moment that made me feel happy, safe, and loved. I doubt my friend even knows the impact it had on me.

I keep thinking
"Smell the flower- Blow the bubbles"

it's getting me through it.

Monday, July 14, 2014

In This I am Grateful

We have vacationed and enjoyed the past few weeks. Summer is fleeting and fast. It makes me sad to think of how quickly the leaves will turn and the air will become crisp.

In this moment however
I am Grateful

for summer breezes

 and sun kissed smiles

for pools with children happily splashing and enjoying freedom.

I am Grateful for vacations

and in-laws

and cousins

I am grateful for playgrounds.


and Peace

I am grateful for love and understanding and friendship and support.I am grateful for my next breath and glass of great wine.

For Silly

For teenagers

For the love that is my entire life.

I am blessed and for that I am Grateful

Monday, June 16, 2014

What's Missing?

Today was Father's Day and we celebrated with a breakfast out.

 First we made cards while Daddy got a little extra sleep, but of course Miss Gracie wanted to be with Daddy. While I retrieved her Evangeline got into the yellow paint. It's was everywhere.

Then we went for a walk and had a lovely breakfast together. If you are at Margret's in Fairhaven try the Honey Custard French Toast. Super Yummy.

Then a cook out and cake and fun.

Then we went to church.

The entire time I felt like something was missing.

I am happy with my family and my life, though the stress right now often takes my breath away.

It occurred to me tonight as I sat there folding laundry.

I missed Vavoo.
I would give my arm to sit with him and hear his stories about the war. I miss him so much. He was the one person that always treated me like I could do no wrong. He loved me despite the angry , awful, depressed teen I was. He loved me. period. My brothers, my cousin, all of us. he loved us.
I miss him.