Friday, February 16, 2018


re·sil·ience- the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

I have heard it time and time again. I am strong, resilient, unshakable. Yeah, but no. Not this time.

I feel as though I am drowning in a giant sea of cold, wet, sticky, mashed potatoes.

I don't know if I can recover from the mess in my world right now. It has forever changed everything about how I think. How I parent.

Sometimes you have to make the hard decisions. Knowing you don't have a choice doesn't make it easier either.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Sometimes, It's just hard.

Photo by K. Ellington
When you have a child with mental health issues as well as autism things get pretty murky. The world around them isn't set up to deal with it. The medical profession lacks knowledge and sensible options. Getting treatment for a child like Sammy can be near impossible. No one is equipped. No one has answers.

Not even me.

Not even close.

Not even a little bit.

My heart is breaking right now. I won't go into too much detail since I have discovered that some people in my world twist things until they are unrecognisable. I will say, Sammy is struggling right now, as am I. Our whole family is deeply shaken with uncertainty, doubt, fear,and sadness.

Worst of all there is nothing I can do to fix it.
I am powerless.
except for prayer.

So right now, it's just hard.
It's like climbing a mountain, wearing a swimsuit, in February, without shoes.
But I will keep climbing because Sammy is already up the mountain and he needs Hero Support.

so while I still don't want to deal with this. I will. I will fight the good fight and rest on my Lord. Because, sometimes it's hard...

But that doesn't mean impossible

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Everything is ...Fine

It's been months, weeks, days, whatever since I wrote here last.  I can't remember.  You see I've been in a giant black hole for months. It was surrounding every fiber of my being.

I spent days thinking about how I could kill myself in ways that my children wouldn't find me and be broken by it. I wrote and rewrote suicide notes to my children. Telling them over and over that it wasn't their fault. Telling them that I loved them. How could I say I loved them? How could I give up and say I loved them?

So I kept going.

Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. for them at least. It was unbearable some days as I forced myself to get out of bed and teach them.

One day, at my lowest point I was sitting and really ready to just give up. I had cried all the tears, I had nothing left. I was simply a giant black hole.  My sweet daughter Annabelle wandered into the kitchen and climbed up beside me.  She hugged me and said , " I am your gift, You are my gift. I love you".

This baby. I was horrified when I got pregnant with her. I was maxed out physically, emotionally,financially, and mentally. I just couldn't figure out how I would be able to care for yet another baby.
But as always God knew best and gave me her, because that moment was on the horizon. She saved me.

It prompted me to increase my medication, and I am on a much better path right now.

But that isn't why I am writing. I have been thinking about how mental health is treated in this society. People don't know what to say, or how to act when they find out you have depression. Some think they can just tell you to "snap out of it" others will say " well, it could be worse"
I assure you, we know.
we know it could be worse
we know we should be happy
we want to snap out of it
we know we have so much to be grateful for
we know we are loved
we know people need us
we know our children,families, friends,siblings, aunts, cousins... love us
we know we have so much to live for

but none of that matters.
none of it
Because the darkness is stronger than that. It swallows us whole.
We begin to believe that we are being kind to those we love by alleviating the burden created by our depression.

Depression, deep dark scary depression, is exhausting. waking up every day, getting out of bed, and even eating, takes everything we have.

sometimes that is just too much to handle .
So if you love someone with depression, just love them. be there. remind them  they are safe.  Love them. It's ok to be there with them and be silent.
You can't fix it for them. You can't make it go away. We cannot just snap out of it. Just because we seem "fine" doesn't mean we are.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Depression - Suicide - and the lies that your brain whispers

Let me start by saying -
I am safe.
I am in no danger.
I am in treatment.
I am on meds.
I am trusting in God.
I am safe.

I am not posting this for advice. Honestly, I just have to get this out so I can move forward.

Suicide - the check mate of the battle with depression. It's final. It's brutal. People are left in the wake of it, shattered, and drowning themselves.

Thet begin to ask why. How didn't they know they were loved? Why didn't they tell me? How didn't I know?

There is this fine line of deception that happens in the heads of someone that is depressed. Our brain plays tricks on us.

We begin to believe that no one wants to hear it, no matter how many times other's reach out.We begin to believe we are a burden to our friends . That they don't want to know, because it's always us.
Your brain begins to tell you that you are a burden on everyone around you.
You believe it.
You feel isolated.
You fall deeper into the void of your own mind.

You convince yourself that you aren't worth it, you aren't loved, you aren't able to take one more breath.

Because your brain whispers to you. It tells you that you are a burden to your parents, your children, your husband, your friends, your church. You begin to see that everyone would be better off without you.

And you move forward with the belief that the world will be brighter without you. That no one is going to miss you.

The truth is...
The sun will still rise and set without you.
The rain will fall, the birds will sing, and the flowers will still grow.
The people that love you will never see those things again. Because your light is gone from their day.
Because darkness swallows everything whole. It's the largest monster you will ever face down.
I am facing it now, and I am terrified.
 But I refuse to let it take those I love too.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

24 hours and counting

In 24 hours I will be in plane. I hate to fly. Just thought makes my heart beat extra fast and my mouth get dry. I am so afraid. Flying for me is like standing in front of a firing squad. It triggers my anxiety in ways I can't even place into words. But in 24 hours I will be on a plane.

You see my boy has been at BMT ( basic military training) for 7.5 weeks now. The young man I would sit with on the couch and talk to about his day, the boy I hugged every day, the boy who made me laugh and scream ( sometimes at the same time) is graduating from the air force training program.

The boy who took over 2 years to walk. MY LITTLE boy is now a man and a member of our armed services. He left me scared, and uncertain and I know I will see a confident man.

As scared as I am I will do anything for my children.
and now one of my children is doing anything for his country.

my heart broke the day he left. You see it had to. That was the only way that it could ever have grown enough to encompass all the emotions I have running around in there now.

I am so proud of him. I could just burst. He is part of the 1% of the population that chooses to support our country. I am proud of the man he is and how hard he has worked. He wanted this and he went for it.
I am fearful. I am so afraid I will be handed a flag sitting by a graveside. My heart fears this like no other fear I have ever felt. I know I have no control. I know that I cannot change God's Will. I KNOW THIS. But this fear is always in the back of my mind.
I am uncertain. I do not know what his future holds. Not that I ever really did mind you. He could be stationed anywhere in the world. I can't call his CO and complain they sent my boy too far away.

But this is what he wants.
In 48 hours he will be a real AIRMAN!
In 48 hours I will hug him.

How did my itty bitty baby get here so fast?

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Lost in Translation

From the outside I seem together and normal. I look like everything is great. I smile. I clean. I teach. I pull myself together. What you don't see is the constant battle in my head. The constant fight to feel better. The constant work it takes to put one foot in front of the other.

Don't get me wrong I have good days. More and more lately. It's getting better. The meds are helping. I am slowly getting better.
But some days
Some days I just want to quit. I really just want to give up. I want to step off this merry-go-round that we all call life.

 I hear myself crying out from inside my head but the words somehow change. In my head I hear " I give up", "I quit", and "not one more step". These voices cry out so loud it is almost deafening. Like standing in front of a freight train that is barrelling down the tracks towards me.
The voice stuck on repeat that reminds me I am failing, falling apart, and broken. Those voices tell me time and time again that I cannot and will not be OK. It tells me that this is my new normal and it will never get better.It is loud and clear.

But somewhere it get's lost in translation.
Those aren't the words I feel. Those aren't the words I say.

The quiet voice from my lips is simple
"Lord help me." "Mary pray for me" 

I turn to my Lord when I can't turn anywhere else.

You may be asking why I am writing this. There are a few reasons really.
#1. It's time we bring PPD and depression into the light. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me selfish. I can't just "Get over it" I cannot just make it disappear. It's how I'm built. It's part of what makes me me in my own very unique experience. I have been dealing with depression off and on my entire life. The first time I remember feeling dark and hopeless I was young. Maybe 6 or 8 years old. 
It's an undercurrent in my life.

#2. My god is bigger than my storm. I take my meds. I take care of my family. I do the things that need to be done. My god is the only one that can heal those wounds of my heart and correct and quiet the voice that tells me I am worthless. My prayers are heard.I am loved. and I will be ok. He is my voice of truth when I cannot trust my own. He is my rock that in these times I cling to. He is everything I need. 

#3. To remind you that it's never hopeless. It's never hopeless. It's never hopeless.
I need to hear that sometimes as much as everyone else. I want you to know that if you feel as though you can't take another step or those voices are too loud to overcome or you just can't catch your breath, remember you aren't alone.
It's never hopeless. 
And most importantly,
If you are reading this and you think 

Not. One. More. Breath.
Don't Give Up
Reach Out.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Lonely in a house full of people

I'm not alone in a room. Ever. I don't even pee alone. My girls follow me as I change my clothes and make my bed.
Yet I still feel alone. Empty.
The only thing that even seems to help is prayer. I know it will be ok.
This is simply the result of having no car, of being stuck at home every day. all day.
I haven't left the house in a week. Even then it was only to go grocery shopping.
I don't really want to leave the house, to be perfectly honest. It's cold outside. I don't like being cold.
We have gone down to one car. It's hard but it saves a ton of m
oney. Right now that is important.

Even in a house where I can cuddle with children at night. Where I teach lessons all day and nurse a baby all night. I still feel lonely.

It feels selfish to feel this way. I am so very blessed and I know this.