Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Depression - Suicide - and the lies that your brain whispers

Let me start by saying -
I am safe.
I am in no danger.
I am in treatment.
I am on meds.
I am trusting in God.
I am safe.

I am not posting this for advice. Honestly, I just have to get this out so I can move forward.

Suicide - the check mate of the battle with depression. It's final. It's brutal. People are left in the wake of it, shattered, and drowning themselves.

Thet begin to ask why. How didn't they know they were loved? Why didn't they tell me? How didn't I know?

There is this fine line of deception that happens in the heads of someone that is depressed. Our brain plays tricks on us.

We begin to believe that no one wants to hear it, no matter how many times other's reach out.We begin to believe we are a burden to our friends . That they don't want to know, because it's always us.
Your brain begins to tell you that you are a burden on everyone around you.
You believe it.
You feel isolated.
You fall deeper into the void of your own mind.

You convince yourself that you aren't worth it, you aren't loved, you aren't able to take one more breath.

Because your brain whispers to you. It tells you that you are a burden to your parents, your children, your husband, your friends, your church. You begin to see that everyone would be better off without you.

And you move forward with the belief that the world will be brighter without you. That no one is going to miss you.

The truth is...
The sun will still rise and set without you.
The rain will fall, the birds will sing, and the flowers will still grow.
The people that love you will never see those things again. Because your light is gone from their day.
Because darkness swallows everything whole. It's the largest monster you will ever face down.
I am facing it now, and I am terrified.
 But I refuse to let it take those I love too.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

24 hours and counting

In 24 hours I will be in plane. I hate to fly. Just thought makes my heart beat extra fast and my mouth get dry. I am so afraid. Flying for me is like standing in front of a firing squad. It triggers my anxiety in ways I can't even place into words. But in 24 hours I will be on a plane.

You see my boy has been at BMT ( basic military training) for 7.5 weeks now. The young man I would sit with on the couch and talk to about his day, the boy I hugged every day, the boy who made me laugh and scream ( sometimes at the same time) is graduating from the air force training program.

The boy who took over 2 years to walk. MY LITTLE boy is now a man and a member of our armed services. He left me scared, and uncertain and I know I will see a confident man.

As scared as I am I will do anything for my children.
and now one of my children is doing anything for his country.

my heart broke the day he left. You see it had to. That was the only way that it could ever have grown enough to encompass all the emotions I have running around in there now.

I am so proud of him. I could just burst. He is part of the 1% of the population that chooses to support our country. I am proud of the man he is and how hard he has worked. He wanted this and he went for it.
I am fearful. I am so afraid I will be handed a flag sitting by a graveside. My heart fears this like no other fear I have ever felt. I know I have no control. I know that I cannot change God's Will. I KNOW THIS. But this fear is always in the back of my mind.
I am uncertain. I do not know what his future holds. Not that I ever really did mind you. He could be stationed anywhere in the world. I can't call his CO and complain they sent my boy too far away.

But this is what he wants.
In 48 hours he will be a real AIRMAN!
In 48 hours I will hug him.

How did my itty bitty baby get here so fast?

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Lost in Translation

From the outside I seem together and normal. I look like everything is great. I smile. I clean. I teach. I pull myself together. What you don't see is the constant battle in my head. The constant fight to feel better. The constant work it takes to put one foot in front of the other.

Don't get me wrong I have good days. More and more lately. It's getting better. The meds are helping. I am slowly getting better.
But some days
Some days I just want to quit. I really just want to give up. I want to step off this merry-go-round that we all call life.

 I hear myself crying out from inside my head but the words somehow change. In my head I hear " I give up", "I quit", and "not one more step". These voices cry out so loud it is almost deafening. Like standing in front of a freight train that is barrelling down the tracks towards me.
The voice stuck on repeat that reminds me I am failing, falling apart, and broken. Those voices tell me time and time again that I cannot and will not be OK. It tells me that this is my new normal and it will never get better.It is loud and clear.

But somewhere it get's lost in translation.
Those aren't the words I feel. Those aren't the words I say.

The quiet voice from my lips is simple
"Lord help me." "Mary pray for me" 

I turn to my Lord when I can't turn anywhere else.

You may be asking why I am writing this. There are a few reasons really.
#1. It's time we bring PPD and depression into the light. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make me selfish. I can't just "Get over it" I cannot just make it disappear. It's how I'm built. It's part of what makes me me in my own very unique experience. I have been dealing with depression off and on my entire life. The first time I remember feeling dark and hopeless I was young. Maybe 6 or 8 years old. 
It's an undercurrent in my life.

#2. My god is bigger than my storm. I take my meds. I take care of my family. I do the things that need to be done. My god is the only one that can heal those wounds of my heart and correct and quiet the voice that tells me I am worthless. My prayers are heard.I am loved. and I will be ok. He is my voice of truth when I cannot trust my own. He is my rock that in these times I cling to. He is everything I need. 

#3. To remind you that it's never hopeless. It's never hopeless. It's never hopeless.
I need to hear that sometimes as much as everyone else. I want you to know that if you feel as though you can't take another step or those voices are too loud to overcome or you just can't catch your breath, remember you aren't alone.
It's never hopeless. 
And most importantly,
If you are reading this and you think 

Not. One. More. Breath.
Don't Give Up
Reach Out.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Lonely in a house full of people

I'm not alone in a room. Ever. I don't even pee alone. My girls follow me as I change my clothes and make my bed.
Yet I still feel alone. Empty.
The only thing that even seems to help is prayer. I know it will be ok.
This is simply the result of having no car, of being stuck at home every day. all day.
I haven't left the house in a week. Even then it was only to go grocery shopping.
I don't really want to leave the house, to be perfectly honest. It's cold outside. I don't like being cold.
We have gone down to one car. It's hard but it saves a ton of m
oney. Right now that is important.

Even in a house where I can cuddle with children at night. Where I teach lessons all day and nurse a baby all night. I still feel lonely.

It feels selfish to feel this way. I am so very blessed and I know this.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Did I see you today?

I held you today. I kissed your forehead and cheeks. I rubbed your head. I changed you, I fed you, and I listened to you. I spent time feeding you. I folded your clothes. I walked up the stairs countless times to put your things away. I held you as you cried, and as you slept. I smelled your skin and wiped your tears.

Every moment today was surrounded by everything that is you.
But it wasn't until those last moments tonight while I had you on the changing table that I saw you. your sparkling blue eyes watching my face and mirroring my smile to you. Your soft noises and your giddy movements.

It was in that moment that I saw you.
The joy your smile and clear recognition of me brought me was immeasurable. It was my favorite moment of the day.

Then I wondered if I had seen your brothers and sisters today. Yes, I cared for them. I cooked for them. I cleaned, washed,wiped, and consoled them. I didn't see them all it seems. They blurred past me like gears in a clock wound too tightly. Flying by me as I blinked. This is why I will sit alone in a chair 40 years from now feeling as though I missed so much.

Tonight as I sit here writing and sipping my wine the thought occurred to me when I noticed my reflection in the screen.
Have I seen me today?
I saw every cobweb,every thing out of place. I looked in the mirror and saw my wrinkles and teeth that need work. I saw my grey hair and my extra pounds. But did I see ME???

I missed it, much like I missed the teen years wishing I could be thinner, prettier, smarter, more liked, famous, talented, and popular.That whole time I wanted to be anyone by me. I never saw the person I am trying to find now.
The woman created in HIS image. The woman who is loved by God and her family and so many other people out there. The person who isn't perfect in any way, because it's those imperfections and wounds that bring me to HIM.
I struggle with this beyond measure. I pray my girls will not. I have changed the voice I use to myself out loud so that they will never hear the same quiet voice I hear in my head. I want them all to see their own beauty and strength. I want them to know their weakness. I want them to know the cross he died on for us.

I struggle every day right now to even get up out of bed. I struggle to sleep at night still more days than I care to admit.

I miss me so much.
But these moments are when I lean on My Savior and breath. The rest is up to him because even though I haven't seen me lately. I have seen HIM.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Where to Put Me

I sat here at the computer thinking "What am I feeling?" and all I could think was " I miss.." but the sentence didn't finish itself. I feel like someone died, but that isn't the case. It's as though someone is missing from my world, but that isn't the case either. The only thing missing , is me.

I don't know where to put myself. I feel restless, and edgy, and dark, and sad. I have so much to be happy for. Beautiful children, an amazing husband, a kitchen I cleaned with a toothbrush and toothpicks... yet, I can't breath. Everything is being put in it's place slowly. My house is getting back to the way I need it to be. I can't put me back together. I don't have a place.

Where do I put me?

There isn't any solace. There isn't any peace. It's as though my soul is just tired.

I lean on God. I pray. I know he has me, and that is likely why I am still pushing through this. My faith is one of the major reasons I am still here. My children need me to be better. My husband needs me to be better. I need this wolf to stop chasing me.

As hard as this is, she is worth it. they all are.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

I'm Not Home Yet

This song sparks hope in me. It reminds me that no matter how much suck I have going on right now I am not home. this isn't the end. This isn't what it's about. I am bringing my suffering to the cross and taking rest in him. I try to remember to offer it up for those around me that are hurting and suffering. (thanks for the reminder my friends) In him, With him, and Through him I will find rest. Maybe not while my physical body walks this Earth, but some day.

But I still miss me. I miss the me that felt the sunshine. I miss feeling joy! Not just everyday joy, but the kind of joy that makes your eyes burn with the happiness you cannot contain.
I miss looking around and feeling like my life is a breath of air that fills my lungs. 
I miss the sunshine.
I miss the warmth.
I know I will feel those things again logically. But right now, it feels so hopeless. So impossible. 
It makes me angry.
I should be happy. I have every reason in the world to be happy. I am so blessed! I have amazing kids. a handsome, caring, superhero husband. I have a house that fits us, a yard to play in, and clothes to wear. I have food to eat. I have people praying for me.
Yet, I feel undeserving. I feel selfish for feeling so sad. 
Because I shouldn't feel this way.
I feel like a failure.

But I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. I belong to HIM, and I belong in the light.The Lord didn't make me to cry and cower. He made me to shine.
It's going to take a while, but I have to believe I will get there somehow.