Monday, August 13, 2012


I am dealing with some very personal and emotional stuff right now and it is really hard for me. I keep trying to stuff it and go past it, but I can't. What has worked in the past does not work now and as a result I am struggling to tread water. I figured I would put it here in the hoped that writing it down will ease it somehow. I am so afraid I will regret this.

I can usually get by during this time because nothing MAJOR triggers it. This is different, because just the time line triggers it.

I lost a baby at 14.5 weeks. I know I have talked about Emma here before. I always hesitate because I don't want people judging my grief. I don't want to be a downer in the group.
I understand its been a long time. I understand it was "only" 14.5 weeks. I know so many that dealt with it being far far worse. Far more...tangible.
This wasn't tangible. I barely even acknowledged it then, I couldn't. It's something I truly, deeply, and unquestionably regret. It took me years to even fully acknowledge loosing her on August 22, 2001.
Some may realize that is Sam's birthday with just an earlier year. He came in 2004.
This year on his birthday I will be 13 weeks pregnant with this little squish. Emma's due date and Squish's are just weeks apart, and it's driving me mad.

Months ago I entered a contest on The Blog here and apparently I won. I had forgotten I entered. I received a beautiful comfort bear and a book (which is going to be a blessing for someone else) from them. It's funny how much the big white bear comforted me.

Then I read this story and I can't breath. 

An old friend of mine just lost a baby and my heart breaks for her.

I am surrounded by it. I can't run away this time so I guess I am going to trudge through it. Just please God, don't let this baby come on her due date. I can't do that, please.
I keep panicking that squish is gone too.I can't get control of myself. I feel crazy.

I obviously have to deal with this. I just don't want to. I worry that people will judge my grief. That they won't or don't understand. Let's be honest here. I don't even understand.