Saturday, March 15, 2014

Goodbye Too Soon.

A friend very dear to me has suffered a terrible loss. A life Gone too soon. I see people saying that they don't understand how things like this happen. How can one person feel so hopeless.

I understand too well exactly how someone gives up all hope.

22 years seems like long ago and far away.
I was 14.
I was lonely. I felt like I had no friends.
I was emotionally unstable.
I was self abusive
I was anxious all the time.
I was angry all the time.
I was sad all the time.
I would cry for no reason. Sobbing.
 A friend of mine took his life over a girl. I still remember my friend Kevin telling me in the band room. I was sitting on the left hand side of the stage. He was behind me when I asked him what was wrong. He told me.

I don't remember the rest of the day.
It was as though my brain shut off and I just couldn't function. That kind of emotional disconnect can be scary for a teenager. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I was isolated and scared and numb.

It started to make sense to me. I was drowning in a giant sea of despair.

Now I know those were all warning signs but back then I had no idea that I was in the process of a breakdown.
That weekend I took a bunch of pills.
I distinctly remember the clock in the car on the way to the hospital. 5:55pm.
I remember thinking make a wish.

"Dear God, please, please just let me die"

The next thing I remember was an incompassionate doctor shoving a tube down my throat to pump my stomach. I remember talking to the woman from the mental health ward as I threw up the charcoal they were pushing into my belly. I remember her asking me if I heard voices. I remember wanting to punch her.

22 years seems like a long time.

Years later. I drove my car into the water at Jone's Beach.
Again I had lost my focus. I was getting divorced. I was loosing everything. I had no job. I had no money. I had no pride. I had just lost Emma. I was broken. I was raw. I was tired of fighting th demons that chased me all hours of the day and night. I felt unlovable. I felt lost. I felt unworthy of the air around me. I was saved by an Angel.
I was 24. That was 12 years ago.

In those 22 years I have given life to 6 amazing children.
I have married the man of my dreams.
I don't know that those 22 years have had much more impact than that on anyone but me.
But, these days I know that nothing is so hopeless that it cannot be fixed. Nothing is forever. Nothing is lost forever. It may feel dark and cold where you are. It won't always be that way.
These days I have FAITH and TRUST in His Grace and His Glory.

I make this promise to those of you reading this. I am here. If you ever feel as though you don't matter. If you ever feel like there is no way out. I am here. Talk to me. I promise I will be there.
Because I do understand.
I have been there.