Monday, December 8, 2008

i lost it

my mind , my temper, my hold on life in general. i lost my temper with Sammy today. it was not pretty. I didn't beat him or anything. I stopped myself from going that far but he totally pushed my was totally my fault. nothing more nothing less.

he is a sensory kid. he hates socks and shoes and coats and hats and underwear. he loves brushing his teeth but hates brushing his hair. if he sneezes he is stuck in place because the feeling of it is far too overwhelming. I know all these things. i know because of this it takes 20-45 minutes longer to get out of the house.i also know that I don't always give him much choice when it comes to his sensory issues. I know he can't help it but I also won't put his shoes on 5,000 times. It also doesn't help that my husband is a softy for this behavior and tends to fix it 5,000 times, so Mondays are tough to begin with.

so this morning he puts his boots on and 20 minutes later he says "make me feeeeeellllll weeeeeeiiird!!!" he is almost completely dressed and now needs to undress following the order that he put them on all the way down to the boots. the boots were put on after the pants but before the shirt, coat, hat, and gloves. at this point it is already time to leave and he is throwing a bloody fit. screaming , squirming , swinging, and kicking. I lost it. I yelled at him, pulled his clothes back on (all in the wrong order mind you) and walked out the door. he stood at the stairs SCREAMING. We get in the car his seat belt is too tight, his car seat is crooked, his pants feel weird. I have essentially screwed myself for the entire day! we get to church he refuses to get out of the car , I climb the mountains of crap in my car and yank him out. It is 16 degrees here today at 9 am. he hollers all the way to the church doors, at which time I inform him if he continues his behavior I am putting him in the donation basket. more wailing and gnashing of teeth ensue. NICE.

we get through mass I feel so bad for loosing my temper with him. He really cannot help it to be honest. So I tell him I am sorry I was mean and that I yelled. He hugs me and I feel better. he looks at me and tells " when you angry, you like hulk" great ... a big green monster. niiiiice


  1. Oh I feel for you. I know the guilt I feel when I loose my temper with my children...and you've got all that guilt and then some because of his autism.
    Oh my heart broke for you just reading this. You are a fantastic mommy though...just re-read your diagnosis anniversary post and see just how far you've brought him. And hold on to that today.


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