Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Long Days and Longer Nights

Sam has been having a rough time lately and as a result the entire family has been in a tail spin, I am being bombarded with reports from the bus, from school, from my husband while I am at work. He comes in ans starts bullying his brother or me. He is swearing at EVERYONE any time he gets even slightly frustrated. I am at a loss and I am just plain tired. Tonight he ran away... like really

ran away.

My heart stopped.

What can I do to stop this craziness? How can I protect him from himself? He has no idea what could happen and there isn't any real way i can explain it to him.
I just keep thinking what if he runs away when I am work. What if he runs away and gets hit by a car? What if I have to call the police and they take him away from me?
That last one hits home. I spend every waking moment dealing with this. I am doing my best. I give it every single thing I have in me.

What if it isn't enough?

What if it isn't enough to protect my little fluffy headed Sammy. My sweet boy who often smells like growing grass and smiles with every inch of his body is so vulnerable. So fragile, so...confused and there isn't anything I can do to help him.
No amount of tears will bring him back if something happens. He doesn't know where he lives, he doesn't know his address. He just knows his name and the name of his school, but school is out in just a few days. How am I going to do this? I can deal with the bad behavior, the PICA, the stories, I can deal with the refusals and the frustration. I can deal with it when he can't find the words and he gets so mad he screams. I can deal with the swearing.

I can't deal with the running away, because I have no control. I have no real say. I can't make it better.
I have to install locks he can't reach or unfasten. I need alarms on the windows. How am I going to afford all of this? How can I not do it? his life depends on it at this point.

I love this boy so much and I would do anything to protect him. I am 50+ miles away at work right now and I am so afraid he won't be in his bed in the morning. I would protect him from anyone that ever tried to hurt him. What happens when the person hurting them, is them. WHAT THEN?!