Planning

{this is by far the hardest post I have ever written or published. I am debating if I even have enough strength to publish this one. If your reading this , I must have put it out there. Please, be kind}

this is not my own photo. 

Planning what you might ask? Planning time for a nervous breakdown silly!

Yes, just a few days ago I sat at my very own kitchen table trying to see if I could schedule in a convenient time for a nervous breakdown. I don't do messy and I sure as hell don't love unplanned ANYTHING. I figured if I could keep it together until this family I am working with is done I should be fine to take it.

How absolutely control freakish does that sound?I know some of you (family & friends) are reading this thinking I am bat shit nuts! Well, yeah, maybe a little. the bottom line is I feel like there isn't time to go off the deep end. I feel such a weight of responsibility every moment of every day that I literally couldn't even find time to fall apart. Falling apart would also mean having to get messy. So many of you have commented to me about my honesty here at YLMB and I thank you for that. This place here, this sacred piece of space, is mine to deal with my demons. I vent here a lot, but I feel like I owe it to a lot of you as well to let you see all sides of it.

Not a big secret either, that I am Catholic. I talk a lot about my faith and my Savior so what I say next shouldn't surprise anyone.
My dear friend gave me something to try to help me through this, to get the "flame thrower" over the "bic lighter" of God's grace. The issue is never God, the issue is our humanness and the innability to let God into the spaces we need him to be in. Being the controlled person I am I tend to give him very little wiggle room. I love him and I still push him away and fight against him. Totally not proud of those moments , but it is entirely what it is.
So... I worked on this visualization that my friend Michelle had told me about .
What I got was Jesus beside me at the table. I kept expecting him to speak to say SOMETHING!! He didn't he just sat there silently with this look on his face. I don't know how to describe the look I saw but his eyes made me still. My mind was so still for just a moment and I heard this song



and then poof it was gone. I  know this sounds crazy to those of you that don't get it. I know to those of you that don't believe in God this must seem like pure foolishness.Regardless, I had to share this because, well, that's what I do here. No filter,no expectations, no limits. If I change that ideal now, then the last few years haven't meant anything.