Friday, May 11, 2012

Where it Began

It's been a crazy week here. Tantrums, refusals, non compliance and angry outbursts. I'm writing to forget about what this week is like. I need to get out of my own way.I don't know where this post is going. I don't know what to write. I just know I need to write.

Where did this began? How did I get here?

I can sugar coat the world I was in or I can be real. This life here, as difficult as it is now, is still easier than my life before. It's still brighter and less emotionally taxing then the way things felt before Sammy, before Autism.

Yet the life I was living so many years ago before  was filled with shadow and pain. I was broken inside. My life before Dan, Sam, Nate and Grace was a blue vase. I can't say I loved it. I didn't. I wanted to run from it every day. I hated the life I was living and some nights I went to bed praying that God would take me in my sleep so I wouldn't have to face another day. I was desperate, I was broken, and I wanted out. 

Things fell apart and I fell deeper. I felt like I was underground walking through mud. I felt scared and lonely all the time. I had no direction. I couldn't breath. I made a lot of mistakes, I hurt people. I hurt myself. I allowed too much and never put my foot down. I was scared all the time.  My blue vase was shattered into a thousand nasty little sharp pieces.  I was angry at everyone. I was angry at God. I was , most of all, angry at me.I lived it , but I didn't "get it" I had an older son with Aspergers but the effect of it was minimal. It wasn't real because it didn't really change anything. He was in 3rd grade by the time we knew anything was really up. It didn't hit me like the freight train Sammy's diagnosis did. 

I found direction a few years later. I found my strength and started moving towards the life I have now. I discovered in the space between that I am far stronger than I even give myself credit for. I found my faith and made peace with God. I took some extra deep breaths. God fixed my vase, and made a beautiful blue serving platter. Now it doesn't  just hold the things I like, it serves everyone around me.
 then Sam was diagnosed. It shattered me, or so I thought. I thought my beautiful blue serving tray had been broken, it wasn't. Everything is just the way it should be here. Sammy is wonderfully made and who he is. It is Sammy (and this blog) that brought people to me.  i wish Sammy didn't have to hurt and struggle. I wish it was easier for him. I wish I was a better mom for him some days.

I am working through where I was so I can get to where I need to be. I have found, on this journey that It isn't always the strength that matters. Sometimes, we have to be soft and malleable so that we can accept, adapt, and move on.

I have love now. I have safety.I spent a long time being super strong and guarding my emotions. I didn't cry, I didn't feel, and sometimes I didn't sleep. Since having Grace, I have found a softer side that I wasn't sure I had, there may even be a few bunnies having tea around here.

So even though my week has been hellish and I want to pull my hair out, I have also been very blessed and loved this week.  No matter how bad it gets here, even at it's darkest hour, it is still far better now than it ever was then.