Thursday, May 3, 2012

Long Way Home

The past few weeks I have become particularly sensitive to losses. There was an anniversary and a birthday of a wonderful man who was killed 4 years ago. I was blessed with the opportunity to read about a deeply personal moment frozen in time for a dear friend. I listened to an interview with Steven Curtis Chapman talking about the loss of his daughter. Little Avery passed away and it has all had a profound effect on me.

There is nothing you can say in those moments. There is no real tangible comfort is there? I lost my Emma when I was only 14.5 weeks pregnant and sometimes I feel alone. I feel like I can't relate to people who have had real tragedies. My Emma is real only to me, because she never took a breath, because I never held her. Sometimes it feels like she was never really here. People have said horrid things because to them miscarriage isn't a real loss. Whatever the reason I feel that way doesn't matter. It's how I feel. Some people meaning well say "everything happens for a reason" and "god doesn't give you more than you can handle" I always feel angry when I hear that. I don't think everything happens for a reason BUT I do think that God can use ANYTHING for his glory.

Hearing about those other losses always brings me to a thoughtful place. A few years ago that place was very dark and scary, but not too long ago I had a dream I was sitting beside Emma and holding her hand. It was peaceful and somehow I was able to hold onto those feelings of peace when I think of her. But losses such as the ones I have seen lately bring me to another place.

I talk all the time about the deep sense of loss I felt when Sammy was diagnosed. I have even spoken of the sense of loss I felt over Grace's injury. But Avery really got me thinking.
Even when we KNOW our time is limited (as all of our moments are) we still assume there will be more. You are never ready to let go of a loved one. How unfair it all seems sometimes doesn't it?

Avery's mom and dad thought they had more time. So did I. So did my friends. I am sure so many of you did as well.

We never know when our time is up. I look at Sammy and I think about all the time I have spent forgetting to just live.  I worry all the time. The shock of little Avery passing so soon has me really prayerfully thinking about death and dying, love and loss, and faith. Boundless faith, because for me, it's the only way I got through Loosing Emma, Divorce, Sammy being diagnosed, fear, anger,depression, Grace being hurt, and every other step I have taken.

I know one day we will be with our loved ones. I know one day everything will make sense and I will see the true beauty in all of God's plan for me, for Sammy, for Grace. I hope Emma knows me in heaven. I wish I could hold her just once in my arms. Someday we will all be home in heaven, but for some of us the road is just a bit longer.

No one should ever loose a child. It doesn't seem fair. If you have a moment and you are the praying type please say a prayer for Avery's parents and family. I am quite certain they need them.

And as Always joining up with the beautiful amazing Shell over at