Saturday, January 21, 2012

To Whom it Does not Concern

To you~
   You may not agree and you may not understand, but you also do not live this life. Your words play on every insecurity I have as a mother of a child like Sammy. But understand my drear. I don't make this happen, I do not make this up and I don't wish this on anyone.

Do you understand what Autism is? Do understand that nothing I do makes this happen. I didn't teach him not to talk until he was over 4. I didn't teach him to flap his hands and walk on his toes. I didn't teach him to wake at 3 am and scream over the pajamas he was wearing. By the way Sir he still does that today. Sometimes he gets so frustrated that he cannot access the words he has, so he just stands there. Screaming. He sometimes gets so frustrated and angry that he hurts himself. As a mother you do everything you can to protect your child from being hurt by anyone...what do I do then when the person hurting my my child? Do you really think I create this? Do you really think I want my sweet angel boy to live like this?

Do you have any idea what it's like to live a day in my shoes? I wake at 3 am to fight with a child about pajamas or video games.I still have to physically dress my 7 year old child. I still have to wipe him after he goes to the bathroom. Am I babying him? Maybe, but it beats the meltdowns that spill over to derail the entire house. He screams at the top of the stairs because he is afraid they might be wet. He cries if it rains or snows and refuses to leave the house. He goes to school, refuses to work and gets in trouble on the bus. I am not there while he is at school. He runs away at the bus stop, tears through peoples yards , no matter how many times we tell him not to. He collects dryer lint and is obsessed with Lego blocks. He strips his clothes as he walks in the door. He has worn underwear exactly 3 times in the last 12 months. He eats in seconds and twiddles his fork. He flaps and screams while doing his homework. In the last week he has looked me in the eyes one.single.time. At 7 he still sometimes calls me dad. He runs through the house  almost hysterical until we force him to sit still so he can sleep. We finally get him to sleep just to start over again in a few hours.

I am not with him at school but he still acts this way. I know I am pretty cool but really I am not so amazing that I can convince doctors of this. A TEAM of doctors all concur that he has autism. His school team, agrees that he has autism. I can show you the test scores if you like. He is AUTISTIC damn it. I don't make it up. I don't make it happen.

At least now I know where we stand  and will limit my time accordingly. I am hurt beyond words. You may never know that this is to you, but that doesn't matter. I have to get this out. I am so sorry that you are so small minded that you can't see how we struggle. I hope and pray that you never know these bitter tears. I hope and pray that you never have an autistic child. Because , right now, this doesn't concern you, and I hope it never really does. Your ignorance frightens me.