Monday, January 16, 2012

My Heart Monday

I sat with you last night with my nose buried in your fluffy soft blond hair. You always smell the same, even after a bath. It's something that is and has always been uniquely you. It makes me smile and I know someday you will be bigger than I am. That day is coming fast. How I miss your walk, and your silly dances. How I miss the happy you on the dark and stormy nights. My focus is shifting to a different goal for you. I am learning to accept this little by little each day. Please love be patient with me. It is so hard to release where I thought we would be

Some days my darling boy I miss you much it hurts.I remember the tiny baby you were nestled in my arms. The baby you were before you learned how to push away,move,run. The child you were before you autism closed you in a little glass case. Your eyes were always different and I never understood that, until you were older and we were told. I miss kissing your face without you squirming away. I miss holding you against my skin and drinking you up like cold water on a summer night. Kissing your curls and breathing you deeply. I miss the tiny baby that needed me.

I want to hold you and not be pushed away. I want a hug, a real one, without asking every day. Instead I get a peppering of them throughout our lives. Feast or famine they say, and this is no different. I may not get all the hugs and kisses I want but I have come to see your affection in the subtle things you say and do. I see it when you lean on me while you play Wii. I see it when you reach your foot under the dinner table and rest it against my leg tapping just sets of three. The moment you tip toe dance and giggle when I catch you unraveling my toilet paper for the hundredth time. the pieces of your snacks that leave on my computer, for me. Small moments that I hold so tightly, I fear they will shatter in my hand as a glass bird.The beauty of each moment overwhelming me like ocean waves upon a grain of sand.

 For many days and many nights I mourned the loss of the boy I thought you would be. I cried for the boy I had imagined sitting beside me coloring pictures and making sandcastles. I cried bitter tears for a child that said my name and called for me as I left the room, helped me in the kitchen, and snuggled beside me to sleep. I sighed softly at the idea of having a boy that enjoyed my company, knew his letters and  numbers,sang little nursery rhymes and said "I love you". I cried because none of that was to be had. Instead I had a boy whose whole world was parallel to mine, with locked doors and no windows.

But now; now young man I celebrate the boy you are. The moments of sunshine and rainbows. I smile and I thank God for you and your elaborate ideas that only you seem to understand. I praise the moment of joy and laughter that are sometimes few and far between. I pledge to help make more of those moments. I was able to hear the words I longed for. I am watching as you learn how to read and sing simple little songs. I love that you help me in the kitchen even if it is only to steal bites of cheese. I applaud your battles each day to enjoy,live,breath and teach the world around you,as only you can. You my son are a shining star and for that I am eternally blessed.

I don't know where our lives are going my sunshine boy, I only know that together, it will be OK. I need for you to trust me. I need you to know, my darling boy, that every moment with you I am blessed beyond belief. My darling Sam, you are a ray of light into my day even when you are a little black rain cloud. I am blessed and honored to be your mother. Be patient with me my boy, it's only love that fuels me.