Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Sammy  has come into my bed here and there over the last year. It doesn't happen often anymore but it does still happen. Last night was one of those nights. I woke to his hand against my back, fingers splayed and his nose against my shoulder. It's his plugged in posture. So very rare for him to connect to me. It's been a long time since he felt the need to be "plugged in". As soon as he woke a bit and I woke too the hands were down and his face was mushed into the pillow.

It seems my boy had a nightmare. It was enough that it forced him from his comfort into my space. It ripped him from where  he likes to be ,out of his comfort zone, into my energy to reassure him. He NEEDED me to be there and he NEEDED me to be close. I was his comfort. I can count on one hand when that statement has been true.

Turns out his favorite phrase " I hate you mom ,I hope you die" came true in his dream. Both his sister  and I died. He was distraught and perplexed by the feelings that overtook him. He was heartbroken and tearful.

He almost said it again today, but he stopped and Said " I hate you, and I hope you... don't die! But I'm really MAD you ruined my life"

I may not be able to win them all but I do think I won this one