I want so much for Sam. I want to see him grow and be strong. I want him to be happy and unafraid. Sometimes I worry that I make it harder for him. I push him, I make him do so many things that he really just doesn't want to. Sometimes it's for me, sometimes it's for him. Things like wearing socks with his shoes. Honestly I don't want to have to buy new shoes every other month because they become the stinky shoes. I don't make him wear underwear because that would be torture and honestly no one is going to know (well I guess they do now huh?) I make him say hello to people we meet, I make him look up. I make him say thank you. I make him try things. I make him do so many things that seem counter intuitive because I think it's what's best for him. I have no idea if what I am doing is right. I feel lost just like every other parent on the planet.
Tonight is a night like that. I feel lost, devoid of a path. I feel like each day bleeds into the next like watercolor on a coffee filter. Each color mashed up beside it. For me, parenting has always been a little like that. Putting autism in the mix just turns the colors muddy and dull. So I pull back and regroup. I clean my brushes and my paints. I set aside my arts for the night and I sleep. Restless,churning sleep. I wake and I start all over. Hoping that the water colors on the coffee filter will make a beautiful butterfly this time and not just another wet soggy mess to clean up.
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| picture from craft kaboose |
http://crafts.kaboose.com/butterfly1.html
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janice v · 689 weeks ago
Holli Souza · 687 weeks ago
I can relate to you from experience.... it gets easier, I PROMISE. As he grows and things we "force" them to try and do make them stronger. I like you, made Cory wear underwear and socks. Today, he still HATES underwear but tolerates cotton boxers. He wears socks without compliants, most of the time. He still struggles with the social aspect of autism and often needs reminding of the ADL's (thank goodness for post its). He has to be "reminded" (often just a slight look or gentle touch" to know he forgot to say hello or his manners. He will be 18 in a few months. I often think back to ALL the unnecessary comments of my parenting. It wasn't that I was being mean, I was loving my son to the ability that he could understand. Nothing nor no one can take the words, I love you and make them as sweet as he can. Yes, he still doesn't come for hugs or kisses but he shows his affection through the ways he knows how. I will take that any day!