Monday, January 9, 2012

My Heart Monday

I want so much for Sam. I want to see him grow and be strong. I want him to be happy and unafraid. Sometimes I worry that I make it harder for him. I push him, I make him do so many things that he really just doesn't want to. Sometimes it's for me, sometimes it's for him. Things like wearing socks with his shoes. Honestly I don't want to have to buy new shoes every other month because they become the stinky shoes. I don't make him wear underwear because that would be torture and honestly no one is going to know (well I guess they do now huh?) I make him say hello to people we meet, I make him look up. I make him say thank you. I make him try things. I make him do so many things that seem counter intuitive because I think it's what's best for him. I have no idea if what I am doing is right. I feel lost just like every other parent on the planet.

Tonight is a night like that. I feel lost, devoid of a path. I feel like each day bleeds into the next like watercolor on a coffee filter. Each color mashed up beside it. For me, parenting has always been a little like that. Putting autism in the mix just turns the colors muddy and dull. So I pull back and regroup. I clean my brushes and my paints. I set aside my arts for the night and I sleep. Restless,churning sleep. I wake and I start all over. Hoping that the water colors on the coffee filter will make a beautiful butterfly this time and not just another wet soggy mess to clean up.

picture from craft kaboose