We all have those moments when we think ..Ughh why did I go there?
That moment started my day. I sat there today thinking about when Sammy was born. The feelings and emotions I had. The feeling that we were going to loose him even though nothing was wrong with him. The frantic checks on him every time he fell asleep. then came the crying.The screaming. the loss of words.The loss of eye contact. The loss of him. He wasn't present anymore. he wouldn't let me hold him. I couldn't comfort him. I was something that made his world just as miserable as shoes and socks and pants.
The journey of the fight back to this place we are at. The clawing and ripping against the mountainside to get back to where we could feel ok. The fight back to where we are now. It might not be everyone's idea of normal but it by far better than watching your young boy be tormented by demons you can't see.
Why did I spend energy looking back? It's frustrating and overwhelming because in ever step forward I see so much we have missed. We work hard to just be. To just love him. we do that we just love him for being Sammy. It has to be good enough. After all what do any of us have to offer but who we are? And who he is is AWESOME