Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Wrong Side of the Road

Photo credit source
Sometimes what you want and what you get are very different things. Sometimes there is nothing you can do but simply resign to the change in the picture. Autism was a lot like that for me. It was so much like getting on a plane headed for somewhere warm and ending up here. The seasons are great but I really thought I was going somewhere warm all the time. I don't love it any less now and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. Even still, what I have is very different from what I asked for.
Sometimes the hardest lesson to learn is that your past follows you. The choices you make, the person you were,follows so closely behind that you don't even notice. Then that past, jumps in front of you and takes over. It is sad that sometimes people aren't ever allowed to change.
I want more than that for all my boys. I don't ever want them to look back and be ashamed of the person they use to be. I know when I look in the mirror I don't see what everyone else does. I want so much more for them. I want to see them grow into adults that can contribute to society in any way they feel led to. I don't want them to make choices that set up road blocks.
The same goes for Sammy, I want him to be happy and fulfilled. I want him to be able to look back on his life and be pleased. I want him to always hold his head high and proud because of how awesome he is is.
Because he is awesome.
People are more than the mistakes they have made. People are more than bad choices, bad relationships,bad circumstances. It's hard enough to survive a badly dealt hand but then to have it haunt you your entire life is even harder. It never goes away.I want more than that for my children. I want so much for them...
More than anything I don't want them to be me.
I don't want them to feel the way I do when I look in the mirror. Someday I will stop beating myself up over the mistakes I have made. I keep letting God work through it for me. I don't really have a choice since I am surely not strong enough to do it alone. I'm tired of running from it and I am facing it down. Every ounce of me hurts right now and the tears are bound to come. The only way to make it stop chasing me is to turn and face it head on.
It's time to face those demons, those horrible dark creatures that have been following me for 10 years. It's the only way I know how to do things. So I will take a deep breath, firmly plant my feet on the ground and make it happen.