Tuesday, April 24, 2012

For My 1 in 88s

My darling boy, my sweet sweet Sammy. You can't possibly understand how very much I love you. Too the moon and stars isn't even close and 10-100 is too small a number. My darling feather headed boy, you light my days with your smile and hope. You shine  through your beautiful blue eyes like nothing I have ever seen before. I cannot imagine my days without you. I love you so much, your being, entwined in  my heart strings. I keep you close by and hold tightly because I don't know what your future holds. You asked me tonight to check your brother to make sure he was ok, one year ago that would have never happened. The moments and phrases that are uniquely you make my heat leap with joy and pride. Seeing your beautiful school pictures come home, with your hair that you combed yourself. You are a powerful force my boy. You are amazing in so many ways that even we haven't figured out yet. you have made me aware of emotions I wasn't entirely sure I could feel. I am grateful to be your mother.

Even in your darker moments, my fluffy headed boy, your being resonates with everything around you in a way I have yet to find words for. You are often so connected yet detached, happy yet sad, angry yet joyful and always uniquely you.

My sweet fluffy headed boy I hope you know how much I love you. That someday, when your "big as daddy", you will read these words I have written for you and smile. You will picture me with my arms wrapped tightly around you and my nose buried in your hair and you will remember what it was like to be  little. I pray that you will be happy with where you have been, who you are, and what you have accomplished. You see for some of us, things come easy. Yet, we still give up, we still complain and we still get angry with God because we just don't understand.

 So for now I want you to know.

I have done something out of the ordinary, something hard and scary for me. I signed up to participate in a half marathon for you. Because I can't fix so many things that are difficult for you, the least I can do is step outside of my comfort zone, raise a flag, raise awareness ,raise money for autism. I am doing this for you my sweet fluffy headed boy, because after all the determination you have showed me in you life it is the least I can do.

I hope someday you look back and remember how very much I loved you. I hope you read this in 30 years and it makes those difficult moments less painful. . I can't eliminate sorrow or stress, I can't make the world bunnies and tea parties. I can't save the world. But you sweet fluffy headed boy make me really believe I can.

And as always Linking up with Shell over at Things I Can't Say