Monday, February 20, 2012

Under Siege

I feel out of sorts in my own skin. Sammy is still struggling at school and I am worried that if we can't figure this out he will stop moving forward, academically. The next door neighbor told me he got written up on the bus again. I now have to call the company tomorrow and figure this out. This will be his second offense. He has been angry all weekend and even at one point told me "Shut up you stupid B****" while we were leaving for church. We don't EVER talk like that here, we don't use those kinds of words. He does not watch cable or play video games I haven't approved. I just don't understand where this comes from. My instinct at the moment was to beat him senseless, but Thankfully I used self control instead. I was so angry. He knows what he is saying, he knows it's hurtful and he knows it will make me cry. So what can I do?

Our neighbor, the little girl, comes over everyday to play. I have been noticing lately that she really ends up playing with Nathaniel more than Samuel. It makes me sad to watch him without a place.

He went to work with Dan on Sunday and called me to say Hi. I loved every second of our conversation but it occurred to me that he sounds different. Different in his cadence and lilt than any of the others did on the phone, It stole my breath. A burning pin point of light smashed into my skull at a thousand miles an hour. Like being blindsided by a mac truck or being swarmed by bees. It was something I didn't expect.How could I forget? As Sam gets older I see these finite things that remind me he has autism and while some I expect to find, others still catch me off guard. Like the cadence of his words on the phone.