Monday, February 6, 2012

Big Girls Don't Cry

Something is wrong with me. I am not someone that cries. Lately though, I cry at everything. I drop something tears, look in the mirror,tears... you name it , tears!

Perhaps it is the stress of my world spinning just a little too fast perhaps it's just my inability to cope with the day to day. So many people live lives worse than mine and yet here I sit,crying. I can't help it lately. I can't breath. It isn't even the autism that is making it the issue. It's Tyler's surgery and my flooded kitchen, and my messy house, and my lack of funds. I feel like  I can't breath. I feel like I am standing on jello trying to balance a peanut on my nose. I am tired.

Perhaps the years of  dealing with Sammy have just become so heavy that I can no longer fight it. I have been weakened like the underpinnings of an antique farm house placed on the edge of the ocean. Autism is my ocean and apparently not only can I not swim it but I also cannot build beside it.

I am constantly anxious. My heart will randomly begin beating in a fight or flight response to nothing in the room. Quiet makes me uneasy, noise makes me uneasy, I make MYSELF uneasy. I am cranky and judgmental with everyone. I snapped at my husband more times in the last few weeks than I have in the last 10 years. I am frustrated and sad and anxious all the time. I feel muddled and sad. Did I mention I feel sad?  I know the winter time is so hard because of the lack of light. I wish I could hibernate.

I just can't get myself out of this funk.

I think I need help. I am ashamed to admit I NEED help. I don't know where to start I don't know where to turn and I am embarrassed by it. I pride myself on being stoic and tough. I grew up being told that I was melodramatic and since have made every attempt to not be so "melodramatic" for fear that I would be made fun of . It's funny how sometimes the littlest things stick with you isn't it.I don't often show emotions to anyone, unless you count anger. That one I have no issue with  *sigh*

This is so hard to admit to anyone that can even make a difference, so I put it here. I don't really know what else to do. I don't know where to start. I miss being happy and feeling in control. I hate that I keep crying over stupid things that make no sense.  I feel like I am underwater. I can't breath.

I have everything in the world to be happy about. I have a great house, a wonderful husband, an incredible family, beautiful kids,smart kids, compassionate kids. I have food in the fridge and now a wonderful dog(more about that later)

So where do I start?