I spoke with a priest this past weekend about how we sometimes miss mass because it's easier than the fight. He asked if Sammy had made his First Communion. When I told him that No we didn't even enroll him in CCD because he doesn't have enough understanding of the subject. Not to mention that he can hardly sit still anyway. He suggested that We think about whether we are asking the impossible for Sammy. To wait for him to "understand" when he might never really get it seemed unfair to this particular priest. He suggested that Sammy is exactly how the good Lord wants all of us. Simple and loving. It was interesting to think about.
Last Night was tough sitting thorough mass with him. We belong to a fantastic church with amazing people. Most of the people there know us and know Sammy so I don't really have to worry. However on holidays and days like Ash Wednesday people who don't normally come to church..well.. come to church. Behind us sat an older couple and in front of us sat an older couple. Sammy was all over the place, could not sit still, tapping his feet and flitting his fingers up in the air. He can't help it, but it can be embarrassing when people are frustrated with him. Which boils down to my failings. I worried about the people behind me in church were thinking about me more than what was frustrating my boy. Why do we do that to ourselves? The people behind us sighed heavily and shifted uncomfortable every time Sammy made a noise.
The people in front of us, another older couple, were very sweet. The older woman looked at me in a very loving and sympathetic way saying " you have your hands full dear" I just nodded because at that moment it had hit me that this is what my life will always be like then she said something that I never expected "My nephew is like that too" she may have said she was praying for me and that it would be ok but I couldn't think because of the tears in my eyes. She was being compassionate and THAT is the true idea of what the Lord wants from us on a daily basis. That woman displayed God's grace in an instant. How wonderful it was for God to touch my life through her. Thank you Lord
The other side of that was the internal struggle, the idea that it isn't just me. Its been over 4 years since we were handed this diagnosis and I still question if they were wrong. I still have issues with denial I guess. The idea that she could tell he wasn't just another poorly behaved child hit me like a ton of bricks. It was both validating and painful at the same time.