Our Awesome Week

We had a busy week this week. But taking a minute to link up with

Marbleized painting with shaving cream for Divine Mercy with red and blue.

On Tuesday we went on a field trip to Sky Zone! So much fun packed into an hour.

On Wednesday we discovered that squirrels LOVE donuts and we worked on antonyms and reading. Nate is getting the hang of sounding out words quickly.

Thursday it was rainy and gross out. Torrential downpours and a crabby family meant art project time! We all worked on these abstract art flowers. We also colored in an immaculate heart medal. Since May is Mary's month

Today we went to the Nest to spend some time outdoors with friends. It was warm and sunny and just awesome. Until Grace threw up all over the place. So we came home.  We cleaned out the garage with the help of a giant dumpster and a helpful teen!

Then pizza and a movie before bed!

Totally awesome week until the puke. I hope the puke stays contained. This weekend we have a basement to clean out and a fence to put up!

Who wants to help?

For Direction

Daniel and I have some major choices that we are trying to make. We are praying for discernment and fasting for answers. Not because we feel that it has to be done this way but because we believe God has put this on our hearts for holy week.

Easter is coming. The bright light at the end of Lent and I CANNOT WAIT.

I gave up any and all alcohol during holy week. Last night was a tough night. The kids were crazy. The floors that I vacuumed and mopped were covered in dirt from teens that didn't wipe their feet after digging out a project for me. I am behind in laundry. I am stressed about money. I am stressed about Dan's work.

I prayed furiously for direction last night. I felt as though I was spinning out of control and ready to crash. Too many plates spinning at once inside my head that they would all inevitably crash.

I woke to these lyrics today from Mandisa

"So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There's nothing He can't do
He's telling you

(Take a breath, don't forget
Hang on to His promises)
You're an overcomer"

and this

ok God. Thanks.

Moving Away

For as long as I can remember in my adult life I have wanted to get out of Massachusetts. South Carolina, Georgia, and Virginia have called my name for decades and I just feel so at home when I get there.

A big part of the need to move is my inability to handle the winters here. The cold makes my body hurt and my fingers and toes burn from October to June. I am anxious about snow and watching my husband drive to work in 6+ inches of snow. It's pretty, on a Saturday, when we are all home with no where to go. Otherwise. No, Just No!

The kids may miss it though. they love making snowmen and sledding. But poor Nate always ends up with hurting fingers. Sam refuses to wear anything remotely warm on his feet or body. I have to hide his shorts because he would wear them in the snow. Grace is always naked, even when it's cold. I can't keep shoes on her! Then of course there is the coats and car seat issue. such stress! then winter hats at the kids school that could spread lice. Months of bitter cold with chapped lips... just ewwww

Daniel and I have been praying about what to do. I have some family here and it is hard leaving them. There are a few things that make me worried about leaving the one place I have always lived. I can feel God tying up the ends I need to feel peaceful about moving. I can almost see it happening, as though I am watching a chess game of my life. I have no idea what the end result will be but I am starting to get some real peace about moving.

 We are going to florida in June and we are hoping to get a jump on moving then.

Prayers and Positive thoughts welcome

The Rice Experiment

We did this at home
we did some things differently however.
we used the same size glass mason jars.We sterilized each one as well as their lids and collars.
I boiled the rice and placed the same amount in each jar. We covered it until it cooled and then placed the lids and collars on.

the first 2 weeks there was no mold at all. I was wondering if maybe the original experiment had worked simply because of contamination. Admittedly, we were not very good about saying things to the jars.
We got better about paying attention and speaking to the jars.
A small spot of mold developed on the I hate you jar directly in the middle.
Then some sad / negative issues came about.
suddenly We noticed both the I love you jar as well as the I hate you jar began to show signs of some mold.

4 weeks later.

The I hate you jar was covered in thick green and black mold.
The I love you jar never molded more than that small amount.
The ignore jar was not moldy but had become dried up and shrunken.

Trying Something New for Nate

Most of you know that Nate is homeschooled and doing well. He is solidly into the first grade work and loving it. Sam will come home at some point. I am just not ready yet.
I struggle with finding new and interesting ways to teach lessons. making sure we dont miss anything makes me feel a little worried sometimes too. 
So this next month I am reviewing something new . Time4Learning.

I've been invited to try Time4Learning for one month in exchange for a candid review. My opinion will be entirely my own, so be sure to come back and read about my experience. Time4Learning can be used as a homeschool curriculum, for afterschool enrichment and for summer skill sharpening. Find out how to write your own curriculum review for Time4Learning.I am going to have both Sam and Nate use it. 

Goodbye Too Soon.

A friend very dear to me has suffered a terrible loss. A life Gone too soon. I see people saying that they don't understand how things like this happen. How can one person feel so hopeless.

I understand too well exactly how someone gives up all hope.



22 years seems like long ago and far away.
I was 14.
I was lonely. I felt like I had no friends.
I was emotionally unstable.
I was self abusive
I was anxious all the time.
I was angry all the time.
I was sad all the time.
I would cry for no reason. Sobbing.
 A friend of mine took his life over a girl. I still remember my friend Kevin telling me in the band room. I was sitting on the left hand side of the stage. He was behind me when I asked him what was wrong. He told me.

I don't remember the rest of the day.
It was as though my brain shut off and I just couldn't function. That kind of emotional disconnect can be scary for a teenager. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I was isolated and scared and numb.

It started to make sense to me. I was drowning in a giant sea of despair.

Now I know those were all warning signs but back then I had no idea that I was in the process of a breakdown.
That weekend I took a bunch of pills.
I distinctly remember the clock in the car on the way to the hospital. 5:55pm.
I remember thinking make a wish.

"Dear God, please, please just let me die"

The next thing I remember was an incompassionate doctor shoving a tube down my throat to pump my stomach. I remember talking to the woman from the mental health ward as I threw up the charcoal they were pushing into my belly. I remember her asking me if I heard voices. I remember wanting to punch her.

22 years seems like a long time.

Years later. I drove my car into the water at Jone's Beach.
Again I had lost my focus. I was getting divorced. I was loosing everything. I had no job. I had no money. I had no pride. I had just lost Emma. I was broken. I was raw. I was tired of fighting th demons that chased me all hours of the day and night. I felt unlovable. I felt lost. I felt unworthy of the air around me. I was saved by an Angel.
I was 24. That was 12 years ago.

In those 22 years I have given life to 6 amazing children.
I have married the man of my dreams.
I don't know that those 22 years have had much more impact than that on anyone but me.
But, these days I know that nothing is so hopeless that it cannot be fixed. Nothing is forever. Nothing is lost forever. It may feel dark and cold where you are. It won't always be that way.
These days I have FAITH and TRUST in His Grace and His Glory.

I make this promise to those of you reading this. I am here. If you ever feel as though you don't matter. If you ever feel like there is no way out. I am here. Talk to me. I promise I will be there.
Because I do understand.
I have been there.

Friday in Lent

Fridays seem to bring extra practice for patience during Lent. It never fails that on Fridays during Lent I find my job as a mother overwhelming. I remember last year speaking to a friend about how crazy I was feeling one day.  She clued me in to the work God does in us during this time. It's especially easy for him to come into our hearts when we are open. When we are sacrificing for him during lent we are practicing obedience and hopefully growing closer to Him.

Lent opens us up for lots of soul work.

It's no mystery I have been working on not yelling this year. I do mostly ok for a few weeks at a time. Then something breaks or spills and I loose my crap. I beat myself up a lot on the inside over my perceived failings. I have some crazy baggage from years ago that I still haven't worked through entirely. So when something spills or breaks I feel so out of control over it that I flip out.
I am slow. But I am learning my triggers.

Today alone has been one mess after the other.
spilled coffee
discovering so sugar
discovering no cream
spilled flour
spilled dirt
broken glass
missing sponge (dang cat)
laundry
extra laundry
potty misses
sugar messes
marker messes

all before noon.
Instead of loosing it I stayed calm. I even managed to snap a picture!

covered in powdered sugar

But I am trying.
How is your Lent going?

Day 2 - Lent

Yesterday was a day so full of anxiety I could barely breath. It had me questioning my ability to be a parent, a wife, and even a person without inflicting damage. I had planned on going to church in the morning but I woke up with a yucky headache. Tyler helped out and let me rest while the motrin kicked in.

Then I had planned on going at night but Gracie was just off and it was late. So I never made it to get ashes. I beat myself up over that for a long time. The bigs went, thanks to Tyler's girlfriend giving them a ride. So there was that.

Lent seems to be a time of serious anxiety and stress for me. My hero friend Michelle at Normal Chaos calls them involuntary penances. Every year they seem to become more and more obvious. Last year was a doozy with having Evangeline and suffering through Postpartum Hemorrhaging. I basically had no other choice but to sit still and heal.

Today was day 2 of lent and I find myself in a mostly calm space. It's nice for a change. I even got some coffee this morning while it was still hot!

Grace has been off today and Evie has been ultra clingy. Then Grace woke from her nap and was itchy. I assumed it was her eczema but when I really looked I discovered she was covered in HIVES! 

Sam has an anaphylactic allergy to pistachios. I have an  anaphylactic reaction to pecans. I began to panic with no benadryl in the house ANYWHERE. I went and picked some up and she seems just fine now. I just have no idea what caused the hives.

this next week looks like a doozy for me. 

How is your Lent going so far?

Kisses and Blessings

My sweet girl has turned one.


525,600 minutes.. one year. How fast it Flies

How do you measure a year?

For us this week  we are celebrating 525,600 minutes of pure love and amazing blessings. The truth of every second  is nothing more than love.

From moments of doubt and uncertainty. Was I really even in labor? Shouldn't this be more painful?

To a screaming, squalling, cuddly little ball of pure love!

She settled into our lives as though she had always been there and was exactly what was missing.

When the nights and days ran into each other and I just prayed to live through them.

 

When the sun began to shine and the smiles came. The blessings knocked on my door.

Despite the sleepless nights and the long days full of worry. The awe and wonder of it all broke through every ounce of fear.

And She Smiled. Not just at me but into me. Her being presenting itself in a way no other child before had. Her presence was unmistakable

She would cuddle close and hold on tight as though her life depended solely on being in my arms. I reveled in the wonder of the child that surprised me.

And yet each day the wonder and awe grew. It bloomed like flowers in the spring after heavy rains.

She would not quit. She held the world in her hands and studied each moment as though it was the only one.

Laughter and sunshine despite many grey and bleak days.  She surrounded me in stars and moon glow.

She smooshed into me as though she were part of my body still. Cuddled deep into my heart and soul.

Watching through her eyes as the lights sparkled on the tree, sensing the wonder of all the world around me. I counted my blessings as she slept peacefully in my arms.

At almost a year I began to wonder how the year sped by. 

Now she is one. Self confident and aware. She knows what she wants. Her smile lights up my day and her tears tear at my heart. She does also still hate her carseat. Yet, I am amazed every day with how much I love the tiny, powerful, unexpected miracle that God has blessed me with.

I am blessed beyond belief to have such a wonderful little girl in my arms.

I can simply hope that my love is enough and that His Grace keeps it that way.

Conflict and Chaos

I feel sad. Of course I knew I would on a human level, but I wasn't prepared for the conflicted feelings I am dealing with now. I am looking back on things in a very different light. I know we both did what we did because we both felt we were doing the right thing. We both acted out of love for the boys, even if we were coming from wildly different places.
 She did teach me a lot.

 She taught me how to sew. She bought me my first sewing machine and sewing box. I still remember her patiently teaching me how to read the pattern for the pig costume I was making AJ. I still have that sewing machine and sewing box. I still smile when I look at it. I always have, even when things were dark.

 She helped me discover fine dining. I cringe when I think back. She took me to a nice place for my "last meal" before Tyler was born and I ordered a filet mignon. We were at a place in Fall River on the water. I ordered my steak well done! Oh if I had only known.

She taught my older boys to swim. I don't know how and my older two are absolute fish! They loved her pool and her hot tub. Looking back on that, it was a wild experience for them. It was something I didn't have the capacity to give them.

She once sent a giant... I mean GIANT bag of stuff from her store. Crafty things and doohickies. Little cups and butterflies. I loved it. I still haven't used all of it. It was a really thoughtful thing for her to do. That was while things were going well with all of us. She braved 100* heat to see the boys play despite it taking a toll on her.

She gave me my first car. A ford Mustang convertible that I LOVED driving. I felt so bad ass in that thing. I will never forget driving to work in Acushnet, just a little too fast, and spinning it all the way round on a sand patch.

She placed the most obnoxious crying baby mat under my feet at the baby shower for Tyler. It made me so frustrated at the time.

She patiently tried to teach me to wrap gifts. She even secretly had me wrap my own one year. I was terrible at it. I still am. She loved Christmas though. She was always like a big kid. The cookies and the egg nog to decorate the tree. The burned batch and one broken ornament each year. We still do the cookies and egg nog here. There was this bubble bear that was possessed too.
The hours she spent lovingly putting out her village and decorating. I don't have that patience at all.

I guess those things make me sadder than I thought they would.
But most of all...
She loved those boys. Loved them like they were her own children. And really, that is always a win in my book

True Forgiveness-

There are people in this world that break parts of who we are and challenge us in ways that change the trajectory of who we become. They inject something into our character, be it good or bad, and it becomes part of us. We don't always have a choice, and it doesn't always feel good, but it is still part of our being. It shapes how we grow, learn, relate, and feel.

Sometimes those things are awful and tear apart the person you are. They break you. They wound you.  And yet, in the darkness, there is still forgiveness.

Seeing the pain in my children's eyes as they embark on the loss of someone they love is difficult. It hurts to sit back and watch them as they maneuver the unforgiving  clock that just keeps ticking faster. There is no turning back. I am saddened by their loss of time, their loss of love, and their loss of innocence. I am saddened at a life being torn from this world so painfully. So soon. Without reparations made. I am saddened that this poor woman and her family , of which I was once part, are hurting.


I want to remain angry and recount every misdeed. I want to be spiteful and not care.

That is not who my Savior created me to be. I have chased those shadows for years and many days before this journey, I forgave the hurt. I moved past it because, people don't behave poorly because they are happy and healthy inside. People that inflict pain do it because they hurt inside. Because  they are broken and want the world to be broken beside them. they do not want to be alone.

Despite the madness and evil . I have forgiven. Truly forgiven. I release it all. I will continue to pray. I will continue to support my children.

As a child that comes before our Savior and asks for forgiveness, so I go before him and ask for mercy. Not for myself but on behalf of her. Because Lord,  I finally understand. Any animal, when wounded enough, will strike. I refuse to let myself become part of the spiral.

Bells-

Dinner Bells actually.

We all love food in this house. In fact if you ask any of the kids what their favorite things are their first response is always a food. In fact I asked them for this purpose.
What is your favorite thing?
Tyler- tacos(after fire)
Austin-John- Fish and chips (after guns of course)
Samuel - cereal in a box!
Nathaniel- Pancakes...with bacon and syrup.
Grace- cookies! momma! and fruit pie.
Evangeline - banana I would think. If she sees one from across the room she points and squeals.

I have been having looking for a way to help the kids feel like they have more stake in the household. I devised a plan for each child to have a day to cook. They choose the meal, make the list, and cook the entire thing. I help the boys and Daniel helps Grace on her day.

Monday- Nate
Tuesday - Tyler (aka Mexican night)
Wednesday - leftovers
Thursday- A.J.
Friday- Sam
Saturday- Grace and daddy
Sunday is all mine.

Sam wanted to make lasagna this past Friday and it was SPECTACULAR. A.J.'s  has been a win each week with a lemon dill Hake, stuffed burgers, and 2x baked potatoes. Tyler made some stellar Cheesy Chicken Burritos, and an amazing boiled dinner. Sam struggled the first week with focus and quit half way through. Nate made pancakes with hash browns, pineapple banana sauce, and bacon this week. Grace made chowder one week and grilled cheese the next. She wants to make fruit pie for dinner this week. We have to work on that one for sure.

We have been having fun and its nice to see the boys learning skills they are going to need in life. Grace really looks forward to Daddy cook time on "purple day"

Feathers in the Sun

We have an old down comforter someone gave to us years ago when they bought a new one. It's probably about 8 or 9 years old. It's soft and worn and so very cozy. It's also quite old.
It has a small tear that I tied together with a hair tie until I could get to it. It also has a bunch of smaller holes now because the cat loves to play on it and chase the poofs.

The kids were all in my bed the other day. I was so tired because Evangeline had a rough night. I wanted the kids to go play, or go to sleep, or go to college. or something!

then I saw it.

I giant fluffy feather. It was high above Grace and Evie and it was softly falling down. The sun danced over the small wisps of feather edge and it made me smile.

Suddenly those babies couldn't be small long enough. We blew that feather around and caught it and giggled.

I felt like I was right where I wanted to be and I wanted to stop time. I was so overcome with pride and joy for the life I have.

It isn't easy here. Most days it isn't even fun. But we are working on it. Even if it takes a feather in the sun to remind me

Sometimes Healing Comes in Strange Places

Loosing  a Child

That phrase upsets me. I didn't LOOSE her. I know exactly where she is. I know she is safe and loved and comforted. I know she is waiting and I will see her again someday. I know Mary is watching over her until I can wrap her in my arms.

I hate the phrase
LOOSING a baby.
as though it were a tissue. or a shoe. or a set of keys.

babies aren't lost
You do not misplace them or forget where you had them last.

They are babies.
And when they pass before we hold them, or while we hold them, or after we have held them they aren't LOST

they are found.
In the arms of Mary. Held and safe and loved.


Because my heart cannot bear to think of any baby being LOST.

My sweet girl is not lost. She is Held.
as am I.
as we all are.

A moment of healing came in the few weeks past that I had not expected. Healing through the pain of another mother with aching arms. It never seems fair.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me because after all this time I still grieve the space without her. I often think of how old she would be, what she would be like, and who she would become.
Some people just move on. right?
Sometimes I wonder why I cannot.or rather have not completely.

But these past few weeks have been different. I will miss her forever and will not be complete until I get to hold her in my arms.
I never did get to hold her in my arms.
I was so young. so alone. so confused. and so in denial.

For that Sweet Emma, I am forever sorry.

But I know she is held. I know she is loved. and I know she is waiting and it would seem after a brief moment the other day. that she has some friends as well.

peace comes in crazy places.

45 Days

It's been 45 days since our van was stolen.

They never did find the thing. It is either out of state or it has been scrapped. Either way it's irrelevant.
That van was on it's last leg. It's inspection sticker was over a year expired, the doors fell off if you opened them wrong, the brake light was out, it smelled of something similar to old cheese, it would die if the brake light stayed down, it had a check engine light that stayed on for over a year, the oil gauge light came on every time you stopped, the front seats didn't move so I had to drive with a pillow behind me (since I am so short), and the brakes were going.

It was dying.
I don't care if it didn't move at all. the fact remains that someone took it. I don't care why or how. I don't understand why people don't understand that if it isn't yours DON'T take it. I don't care if it shows up on your door step. unless it's wrapped and addressed to you IT ISN'T YOURS!

I had been praying for a new van. This wasn't what I meant. Sometimes prayers are answered in ways we can never understand because it is all for his glory. In the end, the outcome was better than I could have imagined.

The van was replaced but there was more to it.
Again we were given amazing gifts of love and support.
A fractured family relationship was repaired.
Our community, church, family, and friends showed us what true selfless giving is really about.
In the end we were blessed.

I think about the people who stole our van often.
I was angry for a second. When my beautiful Grace cried giant tears of true loss and sorrow over her shoes and her car seat, I was ANGRY.
I don't care if you hurt me. So many people have and will again I am sure. My babies are a different story.

It's those moments I find it hardest to pray for the thieves. It's those moments that I need to pray for them the most. Because, anger can be so caustic. It destroys you from the inside out until all anyone sees is a bitter angry old person that cannot or will not smile.
I can't let them take any more from me then they have already
and so
I pray for them.

"Heavenly Father, you above all people know my heart and theirs. you know their motivations, their needs, and their wants. I ask you to bless them Lord because you, not I , are the final judge. Help them to be so blessed they hear your words and return to you. Help them to listen to your calling and change so that they do not inflict pain on anyone else intentionally again"
In your name ~ Amen

I have prayed it more in the last two weeks then ever before. I am certain I will be praying it more in the weeks to come.

TRIUMPH

I hate to admit it. I am a yeller.

I yell when something scares me. I yell when I am angry.
I yell when I am frustrated. I yell when I am being ignored.

It's terrible really.

and my kids tune me out.

I was starting to really worry that maybe I missed something with Nate until yesterday. I was ready to yell and I stopped. I got eye level with him and explained it to him. Without frustration or impatience.
I watched it click.

So today I banished yelling.

I prayed hard before my feet even hit the floor. I knew I was undertaking a HUGE thing. I didn't allow myself  to say " I can't"

I showed up and gave my kids every ounce of what I want them to give me.


I DID IT!
One whole day without yelling. (though at the end of the day I may have spoken a little louder than need be when Sammy hurt Evangeline by playing to rough)
But I am calling it a win.

Praise God.
Today I had the grace to make it happen. I will make tomorrow the same.

Breath in

Sam had a tough early week this week. At one point he launched something large and heavy across the room. He had plans that night to meet up with his coach from last year. I wanted so badly to pull the pin and not let him go. I wanted to ground him for eternity. I wanted to cry and scream and yell and stamp my feet much like a child would do.
Breath In.

Breath Out.

 the thoughts running through my head were making the room spin.

"it's because you are a bad mother. You caused his autism and now look at this. If you don't get this under control now he will be a lost cause when he is older. It's all your fault."

That loop plays over and over in my head at least once a day. It's so painful because somewhere inside I am still not passed that second sentence. Getting there, just not yet.

Breath In

Breath Out.

Gentle-

It isn't the end of the world. No one got hurt.
Breath In

What is it that he NEEDS right now?

Gentle -

He must be really anxious.
Breath Out

THAT'S IT

he was anxious because he was going to see coach. I took a few more deep breaths and went upstairs. We talked about why he was so upset and what was wrong with his reaction. He hugged me(without prompting) and apologized.

He went down and  made  tried to make my coffee.

He went to visit with Coach and he had a great time.

Some days I just need to Breath in and remember

Gentle.

Transformation

This blog has always been about Sammy and life with Autism in the house. But so much has changed. I just don't see it the way I did before. Yes, Sam still has autism but it doesn't consume us. it completes who he is in a unique and special way.

So on that note - things will be changing at YLMBreadless.

Some big changes. Some little changes.

It's the new year and I picked a word to focus on this year.

gentle

 I try to be gentle with the people around me.I often fail with the ones I love the most. I explode all over everyone sometimes. Seeing it afterwards makes me feel terrible. 

But where does it start?

It starts here

right here.
If I spoke to my friends the way I speak to myself I wouldn't have any friends.

from looking in the mirror and finding every flaw to mentally flogging myself over every little mistake. I find every imperfection and dwell on it. I tell myself that if I were a better mother / wife / friend /housekeeper these things wouldn't happen.
the fingerprints on the stove would be cleaned already.
my kids would listen better

my house would be picked up

there wouldn't be laundry on my landing

I call myself names and I find every single flaw, wrinkle, and imperfection.

It creates a level of constant frustration and unhappiness. It makes me want to hide from the world. It steals all of my joy. It destroys my relationships and my heart.

So starting right now. I will be more gentle with me so I can be more gentle with others.

Counting

I pretty much got sideswiped by November. We lost 3 cars in 4 weeks, I learned I have multiple disks bulging into my spinal cord, I got a severe breast infection complete with cellulitis and abscess, and we got hit with some financial crappiness. Seriously November was terrible!

But it's December now. It's Christmas time and while huge part of me want to cry in my cornflakes and pout about all the crap that I have been handed, I refuse to.

I am so blessed. I am so loved. My life is awesome because I woke up today.I may be home bound right now and I may have to rely on other people right now. But, I am blessed to have those people.

The person who stole our van also wrote themselves a check. Our mortgage was refused due to ISF. That all got fixed right away and for that I am grateful.

The person who stole our van took our children's car seats including a beautiful britax seat. That was all fixed right away as well and Evie doesn't hate her new seat as much. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also took my 6 wrap, my ergo, and my meitai wrap- my three favorites for out of the house baby wearing. A stranger to me sent us a beautiful 6 wrap in colors that make me feel happy and safe and comforted. A complete stranger sent me a beautiful Tula in the same print I had been drooling over forever. I am grateful.

The person who stole our van also stole Grace's stroller. A friend made time to send her DH up with one for us. I got to visit with a delicious little two year old with the best cheeks ever. I am grateful.

My church, my friends, strangers, and even people in our family have pulled together to fix this. For the first time in a long time I feel loved by some people I really thought didn't care and I am reminded how loved we are by these people who are in our lives. People that just made an effort to let me know they are thinking about us, praying for us, loving us, even from afar. I am grateful.

It made me think again about God.
Time and time again I have been questioned about faith. "how can your God make this happen"
I do not believe that God placed me here, but it was allowed to happen for a reason. Those reason may be about me, my kids, my husband, or anyone in our circle. I don't know why. But I do know this...

It is all for his Glory. It is through his fire I am refined. That thought and the support of a few really amazing people I get p and I keep focused. It is that thought that keeps me from delving into an OCD nightmare. I can feel it looming one false step it will take me down. I do not doubt it.

But I have faith.
He gave his only son for me. I got this. Because compared to that , what I got isn't even close,
My kids weren't in the van. My kids are healthy. My MMIL is also healthy (praise God). I have an amazing husband, parish, and God. Everything is under control.

To the person who took our van and cashed that check.
I don't know what you are feeling or thinking. I don't know if you still have our van. Please know that I am asking everyone to say a prayer for you too. That you see how much you are worth in God's eyes. That you know the kind of outpouring of love I have seen since you took our van. I pray for you every time I pray for me. Because you can strip me of my possessions, my money, my sense of safety, and my sense of peace for a moment. But nothing you can do can make me stop loving and praying for you. Because God loves me even when I screw up ( and trust me have I ever screwed up) and he loves you too. You don't have to believe the wind exists to feel it and even when you can't see it, it is still there.

3 days

Our van was stolen Early Sunday morning. Change is hard for those of us that aren't on the spectrum. Add to that the rigid thinking and you have disaster. Every ounce of me wants to hide under a rock and pretend the world around me is gone.

I am beside myself.

My husband made the distinction that at least we are not Job from the bible. He is right of course. It could be so very much worse. For those of you not familiar with the story of Job. his entire life crumbles around him. He looses everything. Including his children.

Yes even his children.

We have lost a lot this past year but this past year I can say I have been more focused on God than ever before. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I am listening.

The story of Job has been on my mind since the day the van was taken. I remember it's really just "stuff" it can be replaced. We all still have each other.

Then last night Grace climbed on Tyler's bunk bed and fell off, on her head.
My first thought was " this is it, this is where the shit gets real. Please God"

She is fine. By the grace of God she fell on a down comforter and it broke her fall like an air bag.
I have never been more grateful that my son's room is a mess than I was last night. As I watch Nate, Grace, and Evangeline all playing together on the floor beside me I am once again humbled and blessed.

We got some fantastic news yesterday as well. Praise God!

To the person who took our van,
I don't know why you would do such a thing. I do know that everyone makes bad choices. Everyone makes mistakes. There is no mistake you cannot be forgiven for. It's just a van. I pray no one was hurt during this. We are praying that you have a sudden change of heart and let someone know where our van is. We, as a family, will continue to pray for you. I pray this was a sudden and single case of bad judgement on your part. If not and you are having substance problems or you need something. There is help for you. I will personally help you if I can. Know that no matter how many mistakes you make You are STILL LOVED and in my prayers.

It is through your fire Lord I am refined.