Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Conflict and Chaos

I feel sad. Of course I knew I would on a human level, but I wasn't prepared for the conflicted feelings I am dealing with now. I am looking back on things in a very different light. I know we both did what we did because we both felt we were doing the right thing. We both acted out of love for the boys, even if we were coming from wildly different places.
 She did teach me a lot.

 She taught me how to sew. She bought me my first sewing machine and sewing box. I still remember her patiently teaching me how to read the pattern for the pig costume I was making AJ. I still have that sewing machine and sewing box. I still smile when I look at it. I always have, even when things were dark.

 She helped me discover fine dining. I cringe when I think back. She took me to a nice place for my "last meal" before Tyler was born and I ordered a filet mignon. We were at a place in Fall River on the water. I ordered my steak well done! Oh if I had only known.

She taught my older boys to swim. I don't know how and my older two are absolute fish! They loved her pool and her hot tub. Looking back on that, it was a wild experience for them. It was something I didn't have the capacity to give them.

She once sent a giant... I mean GIANT bag of stuff from her store. Crafty things and doohickies. Little cups and butterflies. I loved it. I still haven't used all of it. It was a really thoughtful thing for her to do. That was while things were going well with all of us. She braved 100* heat to see the boys play despite it taking a toll on her.

She gave me my first car. A ford Mustang convertible that I LOVED driving. I felt so bad ass in that thing. I will never forget driving to work in Acushnet, just a little too fast, and spinning it all the way round on a sand patch.

She placed the most obnoxious crying baby mat under my feet at the baby shower for Tyler. It made me so frustrated at the time.

She patiently tried to teach me to wrap gifts. She even secretly had me wrap my own one year. I was terrible at it. I still am. She loved Christmas though. She was always like a big kid. The cookies and the egg nog to decorate the tree. The burned batch and one broken ornament each year. We still do the cookies and egg nog here. There was this bubble bear that was possessed too.
The hours she spent lovingly putting out her village and decorating. I don't have that patience at all.

I guess those things make me sadder than I thought they would.
But most of all...
She loved those boys. Loved them like they were her own children. And really, that is always a win in my book