Thursday, January 16, 2014

Sometimes Healing Comes in Strange Places

Loosing  a Child

That phrase upsets me. I didn't LOOSE her. I know exactly where she is. I know she is safe and loved and comforted. I know she is waiting and I will see her again someday. I know Mary is watching over her until I can wrap her in my arms.

I hate the phrase
LOOSING a baby.
as though it were a tissue. or a shoe. or a set of keys.

babies aren't lost
You do not misplace them or forget where you had them last.

They are babies.
And when they pass before we hold them, or while we hold them, or after we have held them they aren't LOST

they are found.
In the arms of Mary. Held and safe and loved.

Because my heart cannot bear to think of any baby being LOST.

My sweet girl is not lost. She is Held.
as am I.
as we all are.

A moment of healing came in the few weeks past that I had not expected. Healing through the pain of another mother with aching arms. It never seems fair.

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me because after all this time I still grieve the space without her. I often think of how old she would be, what she would be like, and who she would become.
Some people just move on. right?
Sometimes I wonder why I cannot.or rather have not completely.

But these past few weeks have been different. I will miss her forever and will not be complete until I get to hold her in my arms.
I never did get to hold her in my arms.
I was so young. so alone. so confused. and so in denial.

For that Sweet Emma, I am forever sorry.

But I know she is held. I know she is loved. and I know she is waiting and it would seem after a brief moment the other day. that she has some friends as well.

peace comes in crazy places.