Sammy and his dream world

Dan is concerned. I can't blame him. Sammy has some pretty serious dreams, usually they involve much blood, death, and fire. Before anyone says it's from what he sees on T.V. we do not have cable. we only watch movies and nothing he has watched has anything close to that in it.

he woke this morning to tell us how Courtney died in a kitchen fire in the house and he tried to save her. he wasn't quite so eloquent but seriously. he dreams I die almost every night. sometimes I get hit by cars, sometimes he runs me over with cars. One night he was crying because he dreamed that he killed AJ with a toy. He has also woken us up to check things, like whether or not his brother has feet, since he dreamed he took Nate's feet away. he doesn't cry when I die in a dream though

we are a little freaked out by the viciousness in a lot of his dreams and we wonder

could he just be crazy on top of it? is it normal for spectrum kids to dream like this. I think I read somewhere that it might be. I also know I read that a lot of bi polar kids dream like this. so what gives?

any insight people. I'm hanging by a thread here

LOOK! it has a penis.

Sammy is playing with a balloon. it's blue. he comes flying out into the living room and says LOOK IT HAS A PENIS. i squish it with my belly. of course Daniel and I are lost and have no clue what he is talking about until he squishes the balloon and a huge phallic appendage comes out of the end of the balloon. then he points it at me.

seriously

then he tells me it's a pear, then a shoot gun

but a penis???

now all of my children are making penis shaped balloons
then Sammy popped one. and looked stunned. I asked him if he was OK and he said . "yes,That scared me ha ha !" which I have now learned is a learned skill (thanks Shannon) he can generalize the phrases we have taught him and is able to use them properly

very similar to when we took him to down town Disney and he saw the T-Rex bones and said as loud as he could " I found his penis!"

perhaps we have an issue?

The land of Spinning pumpkins

Things have been very "autism" here. I dont know how else to say it. I haven't had any time to post things and am still getting caught up on all of my vacation posts. Sam has been like the energizer bunny these days. maybe it's spring coming , maybe it's my insanity, who knows.

he has quickly vacillated between one thing and another, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if you will.

One minute he is saying " i call you sweetheart, I just love you more than camels" the next it's " i hate you, My want a new mommy" his newest choice phrase HOLY SHIT! he says it just to say mostly but once in a while he makes it make sense.

we had his IEP and they did give him full days and speech 30 minutes in/30 minutes out. He also has a socialization goal and such. I have a terrible fear he is going to fail at kindergarten. How do you fail at kindergarten you ask... well by the end of the year they want him to read, write, count (with 1-1 correspondence) from 1-20, recognize all his colors and shapes, and be able to pick his name out of a group of other names that start with S ...independently! he will get the colors, he may even get the name. but this poor boy cant count past 12 and with 1-1 number shape correspondence only gets to 6. and that took him 18 months to learn. he knows the letter S-A-M but he never puts them in order. again 22 months of home ABA.

so i dont see how it is even possible really. but he surprises me every day so who knows. we will try and if we fail we start over. no harm no foul?

Day two Vacation/Day three

Day two- rough trip really. We left later than I had wanted to and as a result Sam and Nate were not happy. Though I have to say Sammy did far better than I could have imagined.
We got to memere’s about 7:30. The last 30 minutes of the trip consisted of screaming from nate, at which Samuel would scream for him to stop screaming. Fun fun fun

Day Three- sam, louise and I went to the farmer’s market. Sammy had a loquat and LOVED it. He keeps talking about the circle fruit. We bought him a pint of strawberries and he ate them all as we walked through whole foods after.
Thankfully his barrack Obama/black man obsession seems to have faded. He hasn’t mentioned it once since we have been here.
Daniel and I went out with Michelle and Jay (who also have a child with autism) for valentine’s day. We went to raglan road. The food was amazing. I will post about that on the food site later though. All in all a great start to our vacation.

Day four- Church today. Sammy went off with Kayla to the child ministry program. He did very well and even tried to participate. I can’t even explain the way I feel to see him acting like the other children. To watch him focus and smile and play along side other kids in a way that seems so “normal” I can always see the things that make him different but hey they are there and that’s all there is too it.
We brought everyone to CiCi’s pizza. I made Sammy a GF pizza on a bagel and brought it with us. Packed some treats and sweets for him and he was really quite happy. He was so good the entire time we were there. I wonder if just the change of pace had made him so much easier. Then again the other shoe just may drop and kill us all. If it hit’s the fan, it will hit.the.fan. And then we are all screwed.

Day One The first day of our Florida trek. Fun I tell you. We left at around midnight for the first leg of our trip. Sam of course woke up INSTANTLY and began screaming. He was cold, he was hot, he needed a drink, he was tired, he didn’t want to sleep, the world was turning the wrong way and there were too many stars in the sky. Typical Sammy I guess.
We have been trying to teach Sammy knock knock jokes. I think these are probably the easiest to understand. So I start with this Monday of last week, We still have not met with true success.
It goes like this.
Me---Knock knock-
Sam--Who’s there?
Me---Boo
Sam-- AHHHH *running away*
Once in a while he has said “Boo Who?” but when I ask him why he is crying he always tells me he isn’t sad. No matter how many times I tell him that it’s the funny part and explain it.
We went through the tunnel/bridge and Sammy was impressed though at first he said he didn’t want to be underwater. He didn’t want to get wet.
We get to the hotel and Sammy asks me who the bathroom belongs too. I tell him we sleep here tonight it’s our hotel room. He looks at me and asks “in the bathroom?” Hey he makes me laugh daily!

obama

Sammy learned about martin Luther king Jr in school. they also tied it in with Barack Obama. well Sammy has gotten it so confused. he now says every day about 500 times a day that Barack Obama was a black man, he got killed cuz he dreamed and he also now thinks that every black man we see is Barack Obama. so we go to the mall and he screams across the concourse "look barakobama" at the very top of his lungs. and if that weren't enough he begins flapping and jumping on his tip toes. no way to get out of that quietly.

Sammy has been taking out my water bottles and working hard lining them up over and over. i put them away over and over and he just keeps doing it again. not so bad but like this time it was directly across my doorway. not fun

Sammy enjoying his brownie so much he fell asleep while eating his good day treat. melatonin is the best thing ever.

it's just a joke

so that is Sam's new phrase he says it all the time. it makes no sense and he usually says it when i am really mad at him. i haven't figured out where he got it from but I am sure i will.

he drew a great picture at school. Mr. Ohno. its just eyes and a head legs and two hands. he also got student of the week this week again. you see Sammy strips off all unnecessary clothes at school... socks, underwear, tee shirts you name it. so Friday he came home and his socks were still on so his teacher gave him student of the week. YAY SAM.

Tracey and Erin gave Sammy a ball for Christmas that he LOVES. it was full of air and big and red and looks like a giant chuzzle. well it got popped and he cried for days over it. until he realised that he could put it on his head and wear it. so he does. he wears it everywhere. he loves it. it's his new favorite stim toy. thank god he now leaves my microwave pieces alone!

give me one moment in time

over the last 4+ years I have been through so much with Sammy. I still kick myself for all the things I didn't know or realise. It makes me sad because I am sure he would be even better off if I had caught it sooner. but that is just my head talking

I've been giving a lot of though lately to the future. what life may or may not be like for Sam as he gets older. granted he isn't rain man or anything but he certainly isn't your average Joe either.

will he drive

will he live on his own

will he get married

should we consider training him for first communion and if we do what then. it has gluten .

he seems to be on an upswing lately, directly proportionate to the downturn he took the past few weeks. he got dressed and ready for school without too much fuss ( i let him wear his jammies under his clothes)he ate dinner, cuddled and was just great. he told me he loves me and hugged me without me having to ask (a rare occasion) he asked for a cup cake and waited until I got it.

his speech suddenly jumped a level and now i can understand him 80% of the time.

praise god

its good today. but you never know. it's like having a wild animal in the house it can turn on you any second.

someone today was talking about how frustrating regression can be. it is so hard. every day with Sam is like a dance. 12 forward 6 to the left and 9 back. but somehow we always end up ahead of where he was when we started. He is starting to be one hell of a dance partner.

I'll take it. at least now he knows I'm here. at least now he can say he loves me. he is Sam after all. every moment of everyday is such a challenge for me to care for him... but I think everyday is even more of a challenge for him to try to fit into the world around him.

before

after

3rd times a charm

all about me

being the mother of a child with special needs is not the easiest thing in the world. It can often be undignified and really down right too fast to manage. So as a result of this and working nights (to be home with sam during the day) and poor eating habits. i've put on more weight than I am happy with. I'm working at loosing 25 pounds or so. I found a great site ,im moving my butt and enjoying it... mostly. feel free to come and join me anytime at my fitness pal

[url=http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker][img]http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/12/229/120229.png[/img][/url]Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free [url=http://www.myfitnesspal.com]Diet Journal[/url]

living with sammy is the equivelant to living with an abusive boyfriend

poor Sammy has been so sick. coughing and hacking. fever and wheezing.
Interestingly enough when he runs a fever he seems normal. I should have known something was amiss when he explained to me that his head was a melon and if I ate it he would go to heaven. He really isn't feeling much better yet, but he feels well enough that his sensory issues are over the top. his blood sugar is a mess and he is off diet from the Tylenol for the fever. necessary evils yes but the fall out sucks. he screams and cries. he hits AJ whenever he gets in striking distance. he is stealing food and tonight he woke from his nap freaking out. screaming about the light and the noise and everything else. I am exhausted. poor baby cant help it. he is stimming on everything. he keeps singing songs over and over and over, playing with the door chain like a cat with string. counting to ten over and over. kicking screaming and just being an autistic 4 year old.

but he still wants to love me. he still kisses me and hugs me and smothers me. he rubs my face and my shoulders and my chest. he has been so sick he keeps even asking to nurse. that has been forever.

he just woke up. tells me he peed in his pull up. gets a new one and says its not a pull up its a nemo swim(swim diaper) i get him a pull up he asks to cuddle by sitting in my spot. he smiles and touches my cheek. "Sammy hand cold" he says he is sitting with me stimming on my ear phone wire cuddled into my chest. And for this moment there is no where else I would rather be in the world then here with my Sam I Am

sammy can be angry

So the other day sammy got angry with Daddy. He yelled and screamed and kicked and hit. it was terrible. Slightly less terrible for me since for once it wasn't me he was thrashing about on. so YAY for that. Dan misses most of those angry moments since he works during the day. So after about 15 minutes Sammy calms down . this was the interaction that followed/

Daddy - are you done being angry Sammy?

Sam - not angry now.

Daddy - Are you done hitting?

Sam - My not hit you. My want to play patty cake (insert pause here) wif you face!

I fell off the couch laughing so hard I hurt myself

by george i think he's got it

at 4.5

for about 6 months I have been working with sammy to teach him "jingle bells" this is the end result

my christmas concert

I cant

I cant keep doing this. all week every morning getting Sammy dressed has been a nightmare. he screams and kicks threatens and punches me. I can't keep doing it anymore. I'm going to loose control. it's not his fault but how much do i have to endure? I cant keep this up much longer.

it rips me apart having to deal with this. he is so miserable and unhappy lately. I just can't keep this up indefinitely

FAIL---GIANT FAIL

sam got gluten. nice crust of bread. whole wheat honey bread. CRAPTASTIC!

i have this issue with him being gluten free. It makes him behave 100% better. he hits less and screams less. So today there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
However, when he has gluten he is also more alive, more present, more in my world. it's harder for him but he is more here.
How do I make a choice?
he has to behave so he fits in, but what good is fitting in when he is dulled?




on a side note I found gluten free dye free crap free candy canes WIN!

i lost it

my mind , my temper, my hold on life in general. i lost my temper with Sammy today. it was not pretty. I didn't beat him or anything. I stopped myself from going that far but he totally pushed my buttons.it was totally my fault. nothing more nothing less.

he is a sensory kid. he hates socks and shoes and coats and hats and underwear. he loves brushing his teeth but hates brushing his hair. if he sneezes he is stuck in place because the feeling of it is far too overwhelming. I know all these things. i know because of this it takes 20-45 minutes longer to get out of the house.i also know that I don't always give him much choice when it comes to his sensory issues. I know he can't help it but I also won't put his shoes on 5,000 times. It also doesn't help that my husband is a softy for this behavior and tends to fix it 5,000 times, so Mondays are tough to begin with.

so this morning he puts his boots on and 20 minutes later he says "make me feeeeeellllll weeeeeeiiird!!!" he is almost completely dressed and now needs to undress following the order that he put them on all the way down to the boots. the boots were put on after the pants but before the shirt, coat, hat, and gloves. at this point it is already time to leave and he is throwing a bloody fit. screaming , squirming , swinging, and kicking. I lost it. I yelled at him, pulled his clothes back on (all in the wrong order mind you) and walked out the door. he stood at the stairs SCREAMING. We get in the car his seat belt is too tight, his car seat is crooked, his pants feel weird. I have essentially screwed myself for the entire day! we get to church he refuses to get out of the car , I climb the mountains of crap in my car and yank him out. It is 16 degrees here today at 9 am. he hollers all the way to the church doors, at which time I inform him if he continues his behavior I am putting him in the donation basket. more wailing and gnashing of teeth ensue. NICE.

we get through mass I feel so bad for loosing my temper with him. He really cannot help it to be honest. So I tell him I am sorry I was mean and that I yelled. He hugs me and I feel better. he looks at me and tells " when you angry, you like hulk" great ... a big green monster. niiiiice

its been 1 whole year

one year since sam was diagnosed with autism.
365 days
52 weeks
8760 hours
525600 minutes
31536000 seconds
countless tear drops, screaming matches with Sam, myself and quite often God himself. Unimaginable guilt and pressure.
smiles, therapies, tantrums, hugs, kisses,punches,bites and moments where the dark just took over and wouldn't let go

those of you that know me well, know I have always suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder, so winter is tough already. Not to mention I hate the holidays. so this last year was a shock in the very simplest of terms.

but here we are one year later.I can't believe all the emotions I have been through in this past year. the fear, the anger, the sadness,the shock, the desperation, the inability to even wrap my head around the journey i was faced with.

last year I had a child who couldn't talk, wasn't potty trained, couldn't eat with a spoon and fork. He hit me every day all day. He screamed for hours and hours on end. He ran away, out of the house at night. he couldn't follow a single step direction, hold a pencil or sit for more than 5 seconds.he hated us all, and to be honest I didn't like him very much either, most days. there were no moments of clarity. there were no smiles or hugs and kisses. there was nothing but complete and total loss and darkness, the kind that is void of sound... and hope, He never invited me in. he didn't play with toys, he didn't smile. He never looked me in the eyes, and he never said I love you.

now.
he smiles and plays and seems to love life. he kisses and cuddles and hugs. he tells me he loves me. he helps me cook. he holds a pencil and cuts with scissors. he sits at school and holds my hand. he has a gentle side and sometimes even astounding moments of complete clarity.he seems to walk back and forth between our worlds and sometimes he even lets me in his. he holds my heart and my hand and we are in this together. he sings nursery rhymes and hugs his brothers. I love him and I LIKE him. he does well in school, he tries so hard. He went from class bully to a wonderful amazzing young man. he Even got student of the week!

there are still tough days and tough weeks. there are still challenges. his diet is so much work to maintain. but it works, and works well.

most of all these days there is hope. a wonderful warm light that washes us and keeps me sane, and whole. there is HOPE. thank God for that