Tuesday, January 13, 2009

give me one moment in time

over the last 4+ years I have been through so much with Sammy. I still kick myself for all the things I didn't know or realise. It makes me sad because I am sure he would be even better off if I had caught it sooner. but that is just my head talking

I've been giving a lot of though lately to the future. what life may or may not be like for Sam as he gets older. granted he isn't rain man or anything but he certainly isn't your average Joe either.

will he drive

will he live on his own

will he get married

should we consider training him for first communion and if we do what then. it has gluten .

he seems to be on an upswing lately, directly proportionate to the downturn he took the past few weeks. he got dressed and ready for school without too much fuss ( i let him wear his jammies under his clothes)he ate dinner, cuddled and was just great. he told me he loves me and hugged me without me having to ask (a rare occasion) he asked for a cup cake and waited until I got it.

his speech suddenly jumped a level and now i can understand him 80% of the time.

praise god

its good today. but you never know. it's like having a wild animal in the house it can turn on you any second.

someone today was talking about how frustrating regression can be. it is so hard. every day with Sam is like a dance. 12 forward 6 to the left and 9 back. but somehow we always end up ahead of where he was when we started. He is starting to be one hell of a dance partner.

I'll take it. at least now he knows I'm here. at least now he can say he loves me. he is Sam after all. every moment of everyday is such a challenge for me to care for him... but I think everyday is even more of a challenge for him to try to fit into the world around him.

1 comment:

  1. I am new to your story. I know the guilt you feel about not knowing earlier. My son doesn't have Autism but he has a language delay. I didn't even consider anything was wrong until his doctor mentioned it to me when he was three. I just thought he didn't want to talk to me. So I did the talking for him.

    He went into the early childhood program and his speech sky rocketed. We still have issues. Now he is having issues in school because he doesn't understand everything the teacher says. His teacher keeps saying he doesn't pay attention but that's not the issue at all.

    I go 'round and 'round with myself. If I paid closer attention. If I was aware of what a language delay means. If I got him in the program when he was two. Maybe school would be easier for him.

    I try not to do that to myself. I try to remind myself that I am human just like he is. I try to be kind to myself. He knows when I'm not.

    I know Autism is different than a language delay. By no means am I comparing the two. Just that I know the guilt.

    Try to be kind to yourself. You are obviously a wonderful mom who loves her child. You do the best you can with the tools you have. Maybe one day we'll understand Autism better. The possibilities are endless.


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