This is absolutely the last post I want to write today. Sam had a rough day yesterday at school, came home and things got tougher. By 6pm I had practically carried Sam up the stairs to his room for him to calm down. Normally no big deal but I am very pregnant. Grace has been a giant ball of clingy mommy neediness, Nate was full throttle all day long. My house was a mess and family stopped in unexpectedly to visit. I of course was mortified because my house truly looked as though a bomb had gone off.
What I want to write about is how fed up I am. How I spent most of the day and night beating myself up for being a failure.What I want to write is not what I am going to write.
I am making a CHOICE
Wednesday night my son's school hosted an amazing speaker. Dale Thomas, a spunky blonde with a southern drawl reminded me of something I had read and heard a dozen times. EVERYTHING is in my control and I am the only one who can CHOOSE how I handle it. She challenged me to wake up and say "good morning gorgeous" to myself.
So when Nate began acting like a child overdosing on pixi sticks, I made a CHOICE to turn on the music and dance with him.
When grace started crying for the bazilionth time, I made a CHOICE to dance around the room with her.
When Sam threw a fit and I had to bring him upstairs, I made a CHOICE to walk away , count to 100, and try again.
When family showed up, I CHOSE to smile and enjoy the company of two amazing people and not worry about how my house looked to them.
I did not choose to stomp my feet and pout and cry... oh I came so close> There was no part of me that felt blessed. I was hopping mad, but every word Dale shared on Wednesday was still bouncing in my head.
"IT's YOUR CHOICE"
I would not have chosen a child with autism if I had been asked, but it's clear God did. The path of my life that lead to Sammy makes it's obvious to me, Sam was part of my big plan. I have learned so much from that fluffy headed child and I don't presume to know the plan of My Lord, but it gives me peace to think this way. I don't believe that God causes hurt and pain, that is just a side effect of being human. I do not belive that my son having autism is a horrific thing...it isn't cancer, it isn't death. I can still hug him even on a bad day. I do believe that it is all possible for his Glory. I CHOOSE to focus on that.