Saturday, January 19, 2013


I feel defeated. Sam has been extremely difficult to deal with.He is belligerent for hours on end and he just sits there spewing his garbage at me constantly  Its a barrage of trash talk and it really wears on a person. I work really hard to be positive. Dan is never home so I have zero back up and when he is home he is so tired I  still don't really have back up. I am just spent right now in ways that you can't even imagine unless you have a child like Sam. It's getting to the point where it's hard to like him and that breaks my heart. I love that boy more than anything, but it is really hard to like someone that tells you you're stupid and that they hate you 10,000 times a day. Every request that is made of him lately is met with "you're not the boss of me, you're the boss of you, and I am the boss of me stupid" I know most of that (minus the stupid) is just a script he learned at school to help teach him not to try to control friends choices, but someone missed something with him on it. This isn't your typical autistic meltdown of *I can't handle what is going on right now so I freak out" this is more *how hurtful can I be towards the people around me, even though I know it's wrong*
He is completely aware that what he is saying and doing is not OK. He knows it is hurtful. He just doesn't care

I am just tired and spent and I feel so isolated and alone right now. I know it will get better. I know this is part of the deal. I know that  holding on to our behavior plans and being consistent are the key. Is it so bad for me to wish it wasn't so damn hard all the time? To just wish we didn't have to struggle and fight our way through this

I try not to personify and vilify autism as something bad because it's part of my kid. It's just part of what makes him who he is.But just for today, just for this moment, I really wish I could punch autism in the face.
I know if it's coming out this way from him, it must be worse on the inside. It's impossible to see your kid hurt and not feel broken inside too.
For today I have had enough