I feel isolated, alone, and frustrated. I hate feeling this way. Its hard for me to do bedtime, dinner clean up, next day prep, homework with Sammy, nurse grace to bed, and write. That's a good day. Add to that behaviors for Sammy, wrestling matches, practice, Nate, Sam and Grace missing daddy and it's a recipe for a nervous breakdown. I feel like all my time is spend worrying about everyone but me. It makes me feel like I am completely isolated , which makes me feel sad, which makes me feel selfish, which makes me feel guilty.
It's hard to give 100% all the time, even when you don't want to. I acknowledge that this is what I have chosen for my life and as a result I need to suck it up and just keep going. I just can't figure out how I am going to be able to keep my head down and push forward when Squish gets here. I have to find time to make some freezer meals, find a place for another baby dresser, and get everything all set for when I am in the hospital having baby.
It's times like this that all I have to lean back on is my faith. I truly believe that as crappy as things are right now, it will get better and it will be OK. I am so grateful that I am able to hold fast to the help and love of Jesus through all of this, because if I didn't have that, I likely wouldn't be here. It would have ended many years ago at Jones Beach. If it weren't for my faith , the love of God, an angel, and a miracle, I wouldn't be here writing. Sam, Nate, Grace, and Squish would not be here.
I am just grateful tonight that no matter how dark it gets right now, it will never be as dark as that afternoon on Jones Beach.