You don't know what you don't know.
That sentence always bugged me. It's true, yes, but it sucks. Sometimes ignorance is really bliss.
Watching Grace grow and develop has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Scary dark unhappy things and tons of super shiny sparkly sort of things.
Last night at the table she was covering her eyes with her hands, giggling and playing peek-a-boo. The look on her face of sheer joy and excitement made me so happy I could barely contain myself. There was something else there, a look, a presence. She looked over to her brothers with anticipation and a glint of "Am I wonderful? Is this right? Does this make you happy?" I am probably reading far too much into this and it was simply just Grace being silly, but something occurred to me in that moment.
Sammy never did any of this.
I am going to let that sentence hang for a moment all by itself. That moment's realization came like a punch in the stomach. It literally sucked the wind from me. I never noticed if Nate did it because I was just too busy slaying dragons. I was too busy fighting battles I couldn't win and I missed it with Nate. I missed a lot with Tyler and AJ too. I was in a terrible place back then and busy simply fighting for my life and sanity. It's hard to see the sparkle when there isn't any sunlight. I missed so much, even though I was right there.
I was standing.right.there.
I won't miss it this time. I drink this girl in like a cool glass of water on a hot summer day. I watch her and smell her and breath her in. Her breath smells of ice cream. How amazing is that? She smells like ice cream! She smiles and claps and looks for approval. She stands and calls my name. She favors me. She wants to be near me, fingers entwined in my hair and her thumb in her mouth. Oh that thumb, she loves it, it is her best friend. She has opened my eyes to all that is and I am grateful. I am watching around me for things I may never have noticed. I am delighting in simple things I didn't even know I was missing. Because I didn't know,what I didn't know.
I watched Sammy last night though those same glasses I watch Gracie through. He was sitting on the couch in his buzz lightyear pajamas that are a year too short. They are comfy and he likes that they don't touch his ankles. He wears no shirt, and his soft fluffy head is a mess of hair going every which way. I walk over to breath him in for just a moment before leaving for work. I kiss his feather soft hair and whisper that I love him. He looks up and tells me he hates is homework and all I can do is smile. That is Sammy, uniquely him in the lilt and cadence of his voice. I smell him again. Sammy also has a scent all his own, it's always the same, even after a bath. He looks up, hooks an arm around my neck and says "I love you mommy...like a banana" and I know, he means it. He smiles his Sammy smile, with his hanging loose front tooth and big blueberry eyes. He smells my hair and nuzzles my cheek. He lets go and just like that "POOF" he's back in his world with his pencil spinning on his fingers.
If I hadn't taken that time to stop and watch him. to absorb him. I would have missed that.
But I wouldn't know, what I don't know...