I had to drive to work tonight. It was snowing. I hate driving in the snow. I know what your thinking "Why the hell does she live in New England?"
My family is here. I grew up here. the anxiety over the snow just started the last few years or so. It has gotten really bad lately. I find myself anxious or on edge a lot more than normal. Tonight was different.
The snow was unexpected. I thought it was done. I didn't go into work yesterday because I didn't want to get stuck up in Boston an hour from home in 6-8 inches of snow. Now to be fair Boston itself doesn't have a ton of snow, but it was night time and dark and snowing really bad.
I felt like I couldn't feel my fingers. I couldn't catch my breath. I wanted to throw up.I was crying and praying and begging God to not take me from my babies. I was sure if the snow didn't kill me the anxiety would. I wanted to pull over on the highway but I was closer to work then home at that point. I was terrified, my entire being was shaking. I kept screaming at the snow as it came down, tears streaming down my face. I found myself flapping my hand so much like Sammy does. In that moment everything froze.
OH MY GOD IS THIS HOW HE FEELS EVERY DAY??
I get it now. Sort of. I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my head around everything he feels. I get the anxiety. I have had panic attacks before, but this was different. this was like slamming my face into a brick wall. I couldn't stop it, I had to keep going even though every second hurt more. There was no way to get free from it, there was no way to make it better other than getting to the end of my trip. My poor boy , feeling that way every day , getting dressed and going to school. I got here and I shook so bad I couldn't even stand up! My poor sweet boy, I have lost my temper when he was melting down before. I have snapped and yelled. My God, I am so sorry. If anyone had yelled at me during that, I would have completely fallen apart.