Friday, March 23, 2012


just a warning this post is 100% irrational pity party. I apologize up front. you may want to skip this

As a mom it's my job to protect my babies. I can't seem to let go of the failure of it. I hear sirens and I  cant breath. I see an ambulance and I my heart races. I look at pictures of baby girl before and my heart just breaks into pieces. I just want to cry... but I can't. There are tears here and there, but nothing major.

My husband isn't over-reacting this way. It's just me.

I am so sorry. I feel like it's just one more failure, one more piece of this puzzle that I lost.It's just one more thing I can't make right, I can't control and I can't change. I can't take it back. I can't fix it. It's an endless loop in my head "damn it Annie, if you had taken her,if you hadn't just needed a minute. Why didn't you listen to the voice in your head that said PUT HER IN HER SEAT ?? then this would not have happened." That's all I can hear. I feel stupid feeling so sad. She's a rock star. She is doing so well I cant even put it into words. She doesn't pick or poke and she lets me cover it in medicine. It would be nice if she stopped picking up beads and trying  (and sometimes succeeding) to eat them.

I always said God didn't give me a girl because he knew I would screw it up. I would damage her. I laughed about it when boy number 4 was born. Look what happened, he gave me a girl and yup... I screwed it up.


I know it isn't logical or healthy or any of those good sort of emotions. It's been 12 days.  Shouldn't I be over this already? really? what the hell is wrong with me that I am still so stuck on this when no one else around me is. you can tell me it's the trauma of it or what have you but my husband was there too and he doesn't feel like this...

There is a tiny white line across her lip where it's starting to really heal. I can count each stitch on the outer layer of her skin. Tiny little dimples along the jagged bright pink line that no one can see in her pictures. It might as well be neon green in my eyes. All i see in it is the failure to protect my girl, the loss of what she was. Yet another hurdle she has to jump, like having me as her momma isn't going to suck enough, now she has a giant scar to remind her that momma didn't protect her.