HAPPY EASTER

HE IS RISEN

forgiveness

IEP

The numbers are hard to hear sometimes. Seeing where the real deficits are and knowing how hard my boy is working is a tough pill to swallow. Most of you know we struggle with homework here  and so we had to talk about it at the meeting. We tossed around ideas and thoughts on how to motivate Sam and we came to the conclusion  that there was no answer. We have tried consequences, rewards, loss of recess, and nothing worked. Even missing recess didn't phase him. He wouldn't be angry or upset. He just didn't care.

It wasn't until the end of the meeting, when the reward system for his classroom was brought up,  that we figured it out. Actually Mrs G. figured  it out first. Mrs HM jumped on board and Mrs. A agreed. she came up with a great way to approach it with Sammy. He came home thrilled he had a new plan.

I am so blessed to have a team that works and understands Sammy.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Sam's IEP meeting. The sitter is booked, the husband is off, and we are ready.

We don't have an adversarial relationship with our team here. In fact our team is beyond incredible. They have worked with Sam and our family to get the best results possible. Sam has flourished and blossomed at the neighborhood school.

They have put him into the right groups, they understand him, and they support and love him. I know not everyone can say that about their team, but I am blessed with the ability to say that about ours.

I am proud to be a member of our school family.

Babies, Sunshine and Butterflies

Sitting here watching a movie  tonight and suddenly I'm a pile of mooshy teas. October Baby, a must watch movie for sure. Suddenly I see the girls in my mind's eye grown and making choices on their own. My boys are growing so fast as well. The days last forever but the years just fly by.

We are nearing the end of lent here and Easter is approaching quickly. A sign of rebirth and New Life. A reminder of the awesome power of God and his power over my entire life. This Lent has sucked for me physically. I have been humbled for sure.
I have always been a get it done myself sort of person. That was not an option this time around.

My family and my friends had to take care of me. They all pitched in and helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. I love my parish family. Say what you want about organised religion, but it saved my life in more that one way.

Easter is coming! The Sun is shining more and more.It's spring and time to renew ... well, everything

Forward Progress

Sam finished up the wrestling season a few weeks ago. There was a banquet for the kids and food and  awards. It was also Tyler's final banquet, but I am not in any frame of mind to think about his last anythings right now. So for now we talk about Sam.

Sam dressed up for Coach P. Shirt and dress pants and vest. He couldn't wait to show Coach P how spiffy he looked. It wasn't lost on Coach and he made sure to comment. Coach P shook Sam's hand and told him how glad he was that Sam was there. It's been a few weeks and Sam will still ask once in a while " Coach was proud of me wasn't he?"

He keeps talking about how much he wants to wrestle again next year and how much he loved it.

SCORE

He received a crystal award with his name on  and it sits beside Tyler's on the mantle. He shows every single person that comes in the house!

One Month

It's been one whole month since Evangeline arrived earth side. Shes a spirited little thing. She loves to cuddle and snuggle up and she loves to stare at us.



We are so in love. We had her picture taken by a friend who has a photography business. Since my camera broke in the hospital and I have yet to settle on what I want. She fit us in on the fly even though she is super pregnant.

18 and Life

My Darling Son,

You are now an "adult" in the eyes of the law, but to me you are still the pudgy little boy in flannel pajamas. You've never moved past that in my mind really. It eventually all flashes back to you cradled in my arms minutes after you were born.  So be gentle with me young man as you spread your wings. You see you are learning to fly and I am trying to learn how to let go.

I will have far less control over the choices you make from this point. Not because I cannot exert my will but because, I choose not to. You my boy have proven yourself to be a man of character and of that I am beyond proud.

Your faith is the core of everything you have been taught. I know your faith is important to you and I am so proud of the way you live it everyday. You stand behind your words with actions that any mother would be proud of.

There will never be a shortage of advice from me I am afraid. While I may be letting you fly, I am still your mother. That same mother that screamed at your wrestling matches, laughed at your punchline-less jokes, and taught you to smile for pictures so you didn't look like you were in pain. I am also the same mother that slept on a couch for a year so that you had a bed and would do it again in a heartbeat. Don't ever be afraid to come to me if you need it.

So many young men your age are faltering and failing because being a young man in the world today is hard. Being a man of faith and conviction in times like this is even harder.

Remember your faith, your love, and everything in between and that my door and my heart is always open for you.

Snow.

Seriously it's snowing again. Not just a flake or two but really snowing. We have like 6 inches on the ground already. The weather man called for 1-3 in our area.

I'm complaining aren't I?

tonight however I can go to sleep happy knowing that so far... there is school tomorrow. I'll deal with it in the morning if there isn't

Spring

It's the first day of spring right? so why am I still freezing here? Why is there snow on the ground still? I am so tired of snow and ice. I want sunshine and flowers. I want my lilac to bloom already. Since I can't have those things I figured I would start an I LOVE SPRING list.
It will at least keep my mind off the new numbers released by the CDC of 1 in 50 kids are dx with autism.

                                           

Lilacs.
Flowers.
Sunshine.
Garden prep.
The smell of turned earth.
Time outside.
Warm air.
Open windows.
Birthdays.
Cookouts.

I can't wait for warmer weather.
What would you add?

Little things

Sam has been freaking out about MCAS the last few months.  He gets accommodation but because he is technically able to read he has to take the MCAS. He is in 3rd grade and is just now beginning to read on a 1st grade level he gets someone to read the test to him. He gets a scribe for all long written areas.

Tonight Sam is excited about MCAS, just for this minute ,because he gets gum. Three dollar a container, gluten free, all natural gum with xylitol.

Today was better

Today everything with Sammy was better. No major freak outs. No violence. Nothing. I need to make some time to try and reconnect with him over the next week or so. I don't know how to reach him sometimes.

 

Sam is so explosive. One minute he loves you and everything is fine and the next he is swinging a shovel to kill his brother. Simply because he got angry. Simply because he didn't have a clear expectation on how to respond. It feels like I have failed.

But, today was a new and better day. Today no one got hurt. So for now that has to be good enough.

Making use of my time

I could write about the crappy day Sammy. I could write about how we had the police here before 11 a.m. and how we have hit a definite limit with him. I could tell you about how it took me all day to figure out why Sam was such a wreck. I could tell you about his fear of MCAS this week. But I don't want to relive it right now

We the kids moved the bedrooms around last weekend so we will soon have an empty room for the girls. I am beside myself excited about planning this bedroom for the girls. I've never been able to plan a girl room before. Pinterest and I have become great friends. Dwellinggawker and I get along fantastically well and I have thousands of ideas. Now budget is an issue of course so I need to come up with something cheep and easy but sweet and fun. Something that will grow with the girls for the next few years but isn't overly frilly.

Let me know if you have ideas. I could use them

Miracles

Tyler had to work at school today. He was to be at the school for 8 am and work until 1pm. At about 1130 the phone rings. Tyler got his hand caught in between a chain and a tree. His hand was crushed and bloodied and once again Daniel was off to pick him up. After an afternoon at the emergency room the conclusion... NO BROKEN BONES

I'm still not sure how that happened.

It was hard not having control today. I didn't go to the ER with him. I couldn't. I was here being loved and blessed by the ladies of my church.My kitchen and playroom have never ever been so clean. The littles went to a friends house. Laundry is caught up. I can't even find words to describe how blessed I feel.

my house is clean.
my children are healthy

My Church

I was raised Catholic.

 There was a period of time where I chose to do things my way and leave the faith. It didn't work out so well to be honest.
I went back to church. I discovered my husband (who I had known forever) and he is the absolute love of my life. I started to learn more about my faith and started to understand so much more about what it meant to be Catholic. I met Michelle a few years later through AYSA and I liked her right away. She always seemed so calm , something I wasn't. She introduced me to the ladies and mom at SFX. I'll be honest some of them scared me at first. The Energy the ladies had was amazing. I later learned it was because the Spirit was in the room and really did move these ladies. The Entire parish loved us, accepted us and took us in. We moved over to SFX and we have been there happily ever since. I learned about adoration, Divine Mercy Sunday, Confession, Forgiveness, and real Faith.

Apparently I am still learning.

This time about Generosity, Love, and Service.

I am forced to rest right now. The people of our church all came together and set up child care for a week after Daniel used his PTO. Meals are being delivered every night for us. There are a bunch of other things that are being done to help. We have friends taking care of an issue with the house. Not to mention the love and care of all these people praying for us and checking in on us.

I really love my church family.

In case you forgot...

 I know I forgot. I have officially been reminded.

Sometimes... I'm not so smart

I can be thick headed and strong willed. I have always been a fighter. For as long as I can remember I have been "the strong one". People would comment on how I they thought I was so strong, so tough. Well let me share a secret with you. It's all an act. It isn't strength or toughness. Sometimes, things just need to be done and I just get them done. In fact, I handle emergencies and stresses really well usually. Its after its all over that I fall apart.

 If you read my post yesterday you know I have finally conceded because I have no other choice.Let me explain just a little. It may be rather raw and disjointed. I can't guarantee it will make sense , but I will try.

I found out I was pregnant with Evie at the end of June. I knew we wanted more babies and we have always allowed the Lord to choose the timing and size of our family. I just wasn't as prepared as I thought. During the pregnancy our financial situation became precarious because I was no longer working. The pressure was on, Sam was out of control, my S.A.D. became overwhelming, it triggered extreme O.C.D. behavior. I couldn't do the things I needed to do in order to satiate my compulsions which just compounded the crazy feeling that was spinning out of control. I felt so frightened and overwhelmed. I even considered the idea of adopting out the baby.

I still didn't stop or slow down or deal with everything going on in my head. I didn't ask for help. I just buried my head and pushed. It's what I have always done and it use to serve me well, back when things were simpler.

Then Evie arrived. She was beautiful and amazing.

Then Chaos. I had no idea the ramifications would be so far reaching this time. I had no idea that I was about to land on my butt for the next 3-4 weeks. I suffered a Postpartum hemorrhage. It could have been far worse. It went from an amazing birth experience to a scary moment in the blink of an eye. My midwife, the nurses, OBGYN, and my husband all made it less traumatic then it could have been. My poor husband stood by and watched the chaos. I remember telling him that if something happened to me to not leave our girl. I was never actually afraid. I felt weirdly calm and peaceful.

I thought once I got home it would all be fine, but it wasn't. I was told to rest 2 weeks. I was told no lifting, no house work, no grocery shopping (my MW was specific about that) and I did as I was told. But the bleeding didn't stop, in fact it got worse. More medication and more rest. Every time I did more then get up and go to the bathroom It would start again. I finished day five yesterday. It should be over, but it isn't quite over yet. I have no choice but to sit it out and let my body heal ...slowly.

So yesterday I finally submitted to HIM.  and today I woke up to his message...
HERE
HERE
oh yeah and
HERE
Three places in my face within 5 minutes of logging on... 5 minutes .
I feel protected right now by HIS GRACE... strangely enough. I have every reason to be blue. Every reason to be sad and anxious. I have suffered with PPD though 4 out of 6 of my babies. Just Grace and Evangeline have been born without me feeling sad. Even when Grace would cry, even when Grace got sick and was placed in Hasbro Children's Hospital, even when Evie cries without a reason I can understand, even being stuck to this chair, dependent on people. It still feels like the sun is shining.

Don't get me wrong I am frustrated beyond belief. I am humbled and broken and listening.
However, I have learned that I am far more loved than I have ever imagined.. and that is a humbling experience.

(It's been a while but I am linking up with Shell over at PYHO)

By HIS Grace

 There are always difficult life lessons to learn. They hide around every corner and under every rock. You often have to go after them to find their little hiding places, but other times... not so much. Times like this those lessons jump out and bite your face like a rabid dog. I apparently have a lot to learn, and I'm going to learn it whether I like it or not.

I'm not sure if I am supposed to be learning I cannot control everything, or if I am not as isolated and alone as I thought, or if I just need to learn that it's ok to slow down, or to ask for help, or that I am loved. Maybe it's something I haven't figured out yet. My friend Michelle always says "AVOID THE WRECKING BALL AT ALL COSTS" well, this time I tried to and failed.

Maybe it's simply a trial. I set out this year planning on posting something positive every day. It's a real challenge to do that right now. I kinda just want to mope about things, but I am holding out on the happy.  The Devil hates those good works doesn't he.

Maybe it's every single one of these things ... who knows. Oh yeah, HE does

So OK I give up. I'm listening Lord... quietly

Peace

Due to some unforeseen circumstances I need a little more help the next few weeks. Recovery hasn't gone as easily as I would like and I am left feeling powerless and stressed. My house , my life, and my laundry are all a mess. The pile of dirty clothes is now taller than I am. I think ... since I am not allowed downstairs right now.

I am a do it yourself kind of girl. I don't often ask for help or accept help. I don't like to be vulnerable. It's very difficult for me for sure. This has been a humbling experience.

A dear friend of mine has begun organizing some help me while I am down for the count. I feel so blessed to have the friends I do. My sister in law came yesterday and spent the day with me while my friend Michelle took the littles for the day. It was very restful.

I am so grateful to have people that care about me this way

Extra Sunshine

I don't love daylight savings time, but I do love the extra sunlight at the end of the day. From here it just gets better. It's almost SPRING !!

More sun means more outside time for Sam. More outside time means less meltdowns. Less meltdowns means a much happier momma. Happy momma is a good momma.

I love spring. The promise of a new beginning. Planning our garden, daffodils and crocus growing in our yard. Soon my Lilacs will bloom. Oh how I love Lilacs. Easter and new dresses for the girls. (how odd that still feels to say) Sammy enjoying an Easter egg hunt again this year with all of the neighborhood kids. Oh how I love SPRING

Cupcakes and Godchildren

Today I received two great gifts.

Chocolate cupcakes.
 and
My brother and his wife asked me to be their son's godmother. I have never been more excited ever. I feel so blessed to have J in my life. She is an awesome mom, a super sweet person, and she can help when the girls need someone girlie.

So excited.

Today.

It isn't always about being so happy you jump up and down. Sometimes it's simply being grateful for just being.

Today I am grateful
grateful that I am home with my children.
Grateful that I can hold them.
Grateful that I am alive

Wonder Hubby Strikes Again

My darling husband has been caring for me for the last 2 weeks since Evie was born.He has been doing laundry, cleaning house, taking care of children, cooking meals and waiting on me.Not once has he given me a hard time about it. He just manages to get it done. I hope he knows how grateful I am that he works so hard to make me happy.

15 minutes before Squish joined us Earth side

He held my hand and rubbed my back during labor with all our babies. He holds my hand for no reason. He kisses my forehead because he knows it calms me. He loves me without complaint. I could learn a lot from him about love and service.

I tend to complain, cry, pout and sometimes I even sulk. He doesn't. He just takes care of me gladly.

I'm pretty blessed.

  

Evangeline's Birth Story

I have to put it somewhere so I don't ever forget the awesome that was her birth


 had an apt with my midwife on Friday (39w2d) and baby was super low. It was getting difficult to walk around between the SPD and having such a low baby. We went over my birth plans which essentially came down to " don't touch me unless you need to or I ask for help" I laughed and told my MW that I would see her Sunday (my last 3 babies before Evie were born on a Sunday) I left and double checked my apt. for the next week and told the receptionist I likely wouldn't be there for it. I just really felt like baby was going to come very soon.

Saturday I didn't even have so much as a Braxton Hicks and I was not thrilled. I was starting to wonder if my intuition had been off. Sammy had a major behavior and as a result broke his brothers metal toddler bed. we decided to go shopping at an IKEA for a bed set I wanted for the boys to replace it. I had no idea that IKEA was like the Labyrinth and you couldn't get in and out quickly. The littles had a blast and we found what we needed. It took us hours to find the exit and then the lines were INSANE so we opted to leave without what we came for because at that point my hips hurt so bad I wanted to cry. I lost the remainder of my plug while walking around IKEA. We stopped at a Panera on the way home and I had half a sandwich but didn't really feel that hungry.

Suddenly I began to have a panic attack and I realized Baby would be coming sooner rather than later. I felt that way before each of my babies births. We went home collected the older children and went to church. I met up with people I hadn't seen in a while and they were all asking when I was due. When I told them Wednesday but I felt baby was coming tonight everyone was excited. I felt especially anxious this time and asked our deacon and priest for extra prayers.

We got home and fed the kids and I just wasn't hungry.  Around 11 I started to feel some real contractions and really got nervous. I just felt like Something wasn't right and there was some sort of impending doom.  I started to feel hungry but everything I tried to eat made me gag. I was so mad that I didn't nap earlier because now I was tired and too keyed up to sleep.

I put on my birth music (full of eminem and fort major as well as some great praise and worship music) I sat on my ball and tried to be calm. I wasn't in any pain yet and the contractions weren't even time-able yet. I just wanted to nap and it was making me so mad that I couldn't. Around 1 am we called the midwife to let her know that yes I was in labor and would head over when I felt ready to. At about 130ish my legs started trembling and I started gagging after every contraction. The hospital was 25 minutes away and it was snowing so we called the midwife and let her know I was heading in.

I got in the car and prayed a rosary with my husband and that brought some relief of the fear and feeling something just wasn't right. I didn't have one single contraction in the car at all on the ride there. As soon as I got out of the car however I had one on top of the other across the parking lot into the ER.It was now just after 2 am.

I got up to L&D on my own without a wheelchair but had contractions every 10 feet. It felt good to be moving and to have something to focus on outside the fear. I got hooked up to the monitors and had my stress test (hospital policy) it felt nice to hear squish on the monitor and see baby was doing fine. it calmed my fears some thankfully. I was still gagging and puking after every contraction at this point. My MW checked me and said I was 4 stretchy to 6 so we were in business.there would be no other checks for the rest of labor! I got in the tub and it felt lovely for about 30 seconds.

I started to feel trapped in the water and wanted to get out it was now 3am. and my contractions were every 7 minutes or so, some worse than others. I was still feeling the need to pee every 5 minutes so I sat on the toilet and had a wonderful strong contraction. we listened to baby for a second and everything sounded great. I tried the ball but baby was so low it hurt. I could feel squish filling my hips at that point. I got something to help with my nausea since I couldn't stop gagging and it was making me crazy. I needed to stay hydrated if I wanted to avoid an IV. I decided to go for a walk and got about 5 feet from my room when I had to pee again. I tried a few more times to go for a walk but had to pee constantly. I felt like I had something prodding my bladder constantly.

I figured out that raising the bed and leaning over it felt awesome.The contractions weren't super painful except for the very peak of it. sometimes I pictured god hugging me. So I did that for the next few contractions it was now 345.I asked them to lower the bed so I could sit on it one contraction later I had to pee again and went over to the toilet. DH informed me that I had a bunch of bloody show on the pad on the bed. I figured I had about another hour or so to go . As I sat on the toilet I suddenly felt my body push and felt Squish slide down and I found myself growling. The midwife came in and checked just to make sure baby wasn't going to be born in the toilet.
SURPRISE!
There was baby crowned and ready to go. it was now 355

She asked if I could get up and I told her I couldn't move. Her and my Hubby picked me up and moved me to the bed where I asked to be I could not move on my own and they helped me position myself so that I could push when I was ready.The pressure was intense but not painful I felt full and slit in two along my pelvis. then my water broke as my body pushed on it's own again.. I remember saying "oh that took care of some of the pressure" then in the same moment baby came out with her hand by her face and she kicked at the same time. She flew out of me as the midwife tumbled her out of the cord that had corkscrewed around her body. 358

I looked and realized what I saw and asked " DID I JUST SEE BABY VAGINA?" (hows that for tact?!?)
baby was placed on my chest and latched right on. I squealed with absolute delight over baby. She was latched on cord intact for about 15 minutes. Then I cut the cord (first time in 6 babies) and about 10 minutes later the placenta came.

Delicious

I have been recuperating from a wild ride the last week. I have been in a chair for days getting up only when I have to. Dinner time could pose a serious issue for our family if not for the work of some wonderful ladies and an incredible husband. A few of my momma friends sent over food to help out. Pizza, soup, lasagna, and shells and they were all amazing. My mom helped out and picked up some rotisserie chickens. Another friend brought over fruit and meats and other healthy options too.I am looking forward to getting back on my feet and I am getting there slowly.
This little girl here was totally worth it though so I won't complain.

I feel so blessed to have ladies that care so much about me so I can just sit and enjoy this ball of sugar.

BREATHING

One Week

It's been one week with our newest member and already I feel as though I have known her a lifetime. From the moment I held her in my arms all of the trepidation I had been feeling the last few months disappeared  Nothing mattered in that moment as she cried on my chest.

I  feel like I have been waiting my whole life for her.

I remember feeling that way with Sammy. That similarity scares me to death.If the cards have been dealt I know they cannot be reshuffled.  There is still always that fear.

It's been one whole week and I am thoroughly in love with this little person who has taken over my lap. The boys are all puddles around her. They melt when she opens her eyes and look at them. Grace  is in heaven with her giant doll. She helps change diapers and sings Evie songs.

It's been one week of lifetime moments and I am so tired and sore. I am so blessed. I find myself with tears in my eyes over the sheer appreciation for my family.

Cookie Cutters

This picture represents the last three children I gave birth too. Grace, Nate, and Evie. All three of them are beautiful. I wish I could find a picture of Sam at this age he looked the same. I do wonder though when do I get one that looks like me? I don't think I am asking too much, do you?

They are so cute though. Their beauty takes my breath away

Attachments

I watch my sweet girl Evangeline sleeping. I sit and drink in her scent like the worlds most expensive perfume. I barely put her down because without her my arms ache. They physically ache without her. I bury my nose into her neck, her skin is so soft.
 There were some serious complications following the birth. It was scary for my husband. My care provider handled it wonderfully. I felt cared for and safe despite being terrified  I don't feel traumatized.

I just feel blessed to be here. Blessed to hold my sweet girl. Blessed to see the connection happening between Sammy and his newest sibling. Nothing brings him out like a baby does. nothing. You can tell me that our kids cannot connect. You can show me the studies about autism and empathy. You can list any statistic you like but i KNOW better. He has a hard time connecting to me some days , but it's there. He never struggles to connect with his siblings.