Friday, September 30, 2011

It's Only Fear

So I tried puzzling out what bothered me so much about the Parenthood episode. About 3 am I woke up with an AH-HA moment. It was the moment when Kristina had the ultrasound. When she agonized over knowing the sex of the baby simply because having another boy meant a higher chance of autism. BINGO

The baby.

I have 4 boys. One girl just ONE girl so far. I worry each time I have a child that I will have another child like Sammy. Having a child like Tyler doesn't frighten me, I  can do that. Sammy makes me feel ill-equipped and crazy.. it makes me feel like I am in a free fall and there isn't a damn thing I can do to fix it. I hate fighting it every day. I fall into bed each night so tired I can't breath. I feel like I am never off duty, like I am never safe. Like a soldier going into battle day after day. I can't handle giving birth to another Sammy. Felling again like I was somehow at fault, somehow blamed. I cant go through that again. I can't beat myself up over another child being autistic. Those words "your son has autism" still echo all these years later. It makes me second guess what people think, what I think and what I do. I question it all , every day, every...single...second. Different studies with different faults. I know he changed after getting a HiB shot. I have re read it in his baby book over an over, but he was born "different" so what caused that?

More so on days like this when it's been a horrific week. It's been so bad here some days that the fear I have for my son gets so heavy I cannot breath. I cannot think. I feel like I am drowning in it. As though my lungs cannot move , paralyzed by fear and focus. It's been that kind of week.
On top of it I worked this week and I was tired when I watched Parenthood.

My daughter is my fear. Like I could somehow handle it better if Nathaniel was diagnosed tomorrow? There was a fleeting moment when Grace was born, when I looked and saw it was a girl. A quick,fraction of a second that barely existed where that thought crossed my mind. It was almost an unconscious thought barely on the surface.That thought... She's Safe.

 I agonize over everything with Grace as well as with Nathaniel. I am terrified she too will be autistic. Some things already don't seem right. Am I just over analyzing it? I will love her no matter what. The same way I love Sammy fiercely, without reservation. But Lord please not my daughter. I know that sounds horrible to say. Typing is actually placing me on the verge of tears. I want to cry. It isn't that somehow my daughter is better or worth more to me than my sons. It's simply that she should be safe. I know too many moms and dads of autistic girls now to believe that. It may be less prevalent but it isn't any less real. She isn't immune to it. Apparently , neither am I.