Thursday, September 29, 2011

Raw emotions

   I am not knows for being warm and cuddly or soft. In fact my husband often refers to me as having "sharp edges"  At some point I replaced the "melodramatic" child  I was with this crusty sharp edged no teary person. I don't like that about me. I am emotional and intense. I get angry, I get cranky, I can even sometimes get down right mean. I do my best to avoid the last one as best I can.It doesn't happen often. Depending on who you ask, they may tell you varying degrees of that. I just don't do soft and squishy. I  am loving and gentle with my children but I don't do empathy or sympathy well. I have gotten better and actually go through a checklist in my head now  when someone says something sad to me or tells me something emotional, even when someone dies I often don't cry about it in front of anyone but will sometimes cry alone.Things often come out of my mouth sans filter. I have asked people if they had a stroke and other embarrassing things. So i now stop before I react and I have trained myself to not react emotionally to things on the outside. Unless, I am tired

   Like today. I worked last night and the babies didn't sleep much then this morning Sammy had yet another  behavior and I had to forcibly dress him. Grace was cranky and got overtired before it was time for her to nap. That resulted in screaming and crying. Nate bonked me in the face which is still sore from surgery. I am down on myself about a ton of stuff and being tired just makes me feel even more vulnerable. So why on Earth I decided it was a good day to watch Parenthood I don't know. I don't understand what I was thinking.

Now, my belly is in knots and my head is spinning trying to place where my thoughts are. I can't seem to flesh it out... I promise when I do I will come here first.